несколько своих наблюдений о перекочевывании одежды из сериала в реал вытащу сюда
из этой замечательной темы у гульнары pay.diary.ru/~gulinarazig/p167410384.htm

брайан и гейл


патрик и брайан



патрик и джастин (хотя на самом деле с этими свитеами как-то все очень запутано, об этом есть в вышеупмянутой теме, и о всяких других перемещениях одежды внутри сериала и ее появления в реале)


а сегодня на жж
попалось на глаза старое обсуждение фоток с glaad 2005...



представляете?)

но насколько я поняла, это не проделки патрика, а к этому имел непосредственное отношение фандом)
ozbrat: OMFG! That shirt looks awfully familiar :O
bigboobedcanuck: That is definitely one memorable shirt!
ozbrat: But why does he have it?
bigboobedcanuck: Hello, you were there! Bliss gave it to him after ripping it off her boyfriend's back. Have another drink....
хм...)

если кто еще не понял, то вот



и покрупнее, меня все тянет цветочки сравнить и убедиться, что у меня не едет крыша)



******

И еще меня опять озадачивают рубашки с длиннющими рукавами - ну воротники же у них вроде нормальные по размеру, а рукава?

ладно Рэнди и Питер ТАК носят - (эти двое ваще отдельная песня и она тут moveforever.diary.ru/p166307988.htm)



Хэл (когда в свое время делала парную с рукавами рэнди и питера, с трудом удержалась и не прилипила к ним хэла))



опять хэл - с вышеупомянутого glaad сегодня фотку увидела



а не далее как вчера я обратила внимание, что и тут рукавааа... итан голд))



че у них за мода?) или не только у них?


upd
нет, это требует немедленного повтора!


потому что... и как я раньше не заметила?
опять ПАТРИК!

и фотка, если не ошибаюсь 2004

то есть теперь это должно выглядеть так:





и опять подниму)
и опять Патрик)

точно помнила, что на Эммете эта рубашка была, но никак она мне не попадалась, не помнила где, но вот наконец вчера случайно мы встретились (313))


это Патрик на открытии Toronto Fashion Week

а это тоже Эммет-Патрик, требует доделки (не помню, а в эпизоде есть ли и где? а пока пусть так) Патрик-сентябрь 2005 аж



еще одну рубашку держу в голове, но она если и не глючит меня, то не на эммете была, а на брайане
вообще похоже, что патрик 2004-ый год проходил в одежде из сериала) жаль что его фоток в принципе мало довольно

запись создана: 13.12.2011 в 12:17

@темы: в кадре и за кадром, интересности QAF, Patrick Antosh

---

Пятый сезон для меня вечная загвоздка, как к нему относится) надо как-нибудь составить список безумий там происходящих (ну, по моему мнению) и моих претензий к героям и сюжетам, а точнее к создателям конечно, только к ним… самое смешное, что в этом «черном списке» скорее всего не будет отъезда джастина в нью-йорк)) но сейчас вообще не об этом)
Зацепилась вчера взглядом за фразу Ангелины (ничего, что я тебя процитирую?), что «Фильм прежде всего для зрителей, а не для удовлетворения амбиций сценаристов или кого-то ещё.»
Вот когда доходит до пятого сезона, в этом у меня появляются сомнения большие. Я не знаю как было на самом деле, ни на чем не настаиваю, просто мои сомнения, основанные на том, что я вижу, как воспринимаю происходящее в пятом сезоне и на тогдашних высказываниях самих Коулипов, которые мне попадались, то, что они говорили летом 2005 и как лично я их воспринимаю. (если есть чем дополнить, еще цитаты, вэлкам)

*********

Из интервью с Дэном Липманом в PlanetOut

Look, when you do a series finale of a hit show, you know you're never going to please everybody, so you just have to forget it and do what you [think] is right and hope that people will connect to it.

Когда вы делаете финал популярного сериала, вы знаете, что ни за что не сможете удовлетворить всех, так что вы просто должны забыть об этом, делать то, что считаете правильным, и надеяться, что людям понравится.

(с этим я даже в принципе практически согласна, несмотря на то, что мне не нравится результат)

*********

Из устных бесед

She spoke to Ron first. She asked him "Is the ending a big F.U. to the straight girl audience" ? he said he thinks "they are romanticizing the B/J relationship too much".

Фанатка говорила с Роном, спросила, означает ли финал большое FUCK YOU, в адрес зрительниц натуралок. Рон ответил что они, зрительницы, слишком сильно романтизируют отношения БиДжи

(зрительницы? Да неужели?)

******
На спец премьере 513

My boyfriend went to the screening which C/L supposedly said this quote and when I asked him about it, he said it was actually "whether or not they're together, they will always have a deep bond".".

Вместе они или нет, между ними всегда будет глубокая связь.

(на мой вкус такой несколько двусмысленный ответ, учитывая все остальное)

********
Ну и из переписки BabySe с Дэном Липманом

Through a series of fortunate (or unfortunate depending on your viewpoint) incidents, I found myself involved in a business transaction with none other than Dan Lipman. We sent emails back and forth, and eventually I asked him about the ending of the series. Here is his response:

'As far as the ending of the season/series is concerned: I'm sorry that fans have seen it before it's even aired. And those who haven't have made up their minds just from scanning the spoilers. We had to be true to our vision. We can't compromise that just to make people happy. No doubt people didn't like when Rhett Butler left Scarlett at the end of GWTW -- but it wouldn't have been GWTW without that. QAF is not a service organization like the Red Cross designed to cater to the needs and desires of the audience. We feel the finale is truthful and satisfying. To us, at least. And that's all that matters in the end.'

Что касается финала… Мы не можем пойти на компромисс только ради того, чтобы осчастливить людей. Вне всякого сомнения, людям не понравилось, что Ретт оставил Скарлетт в конце «Унесенных ветром», но без такого окончания это уже не были бы «Унесенные ветром». QAF не организация на подобии Красного креста, созданная для того, чтобы удовлетворять нужды и желания зрителей. Мы считаем, что финал правдивый и удовлетворяющий, для нас по крайней мере. И это все, что имеет значение в конечном счете.

(красноречиво весьма)

******

так что делали они возможно финал, да и весь пятый сезон уже вовсе не оглядываясь на зрителей и рейтинги.
И кстати рейтинги я так понимаю падали (если нет, и есть какие-нибудь другие данные или данные за другие годы, то поправьте плиз)
А вообще, учитывая, что сериал заканчивался, сильно ли их должны были волновать рейтинги? (я просто не в теме)

вот от первой трети июля (то есть после выхода 508-509)

от www.medialifemagazine.com

Precipitous slide
for 'Queer as Folk'

Audience dwindles to small few in its final season

By Toni Fitzgerald
Showtime’s “Queer as Folk” proved there was an audience for later gay-themed entertainment like “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy,” “The L Word” and the recently launched cable network Logo.

But in its final season, “Folk” has lost most of that audience. Ratings for the once-hip show have fallen by more than half since its 2000 debut, and it’s in the midst of its worst year ever.

Through July 10, the most recent data available, new “Folk” episodes are averaging a 0.30 household rating, according to Nielsen numbers provided by Magna Global USA. That’s down 12 percent from last year’s 0.34 average.
It’s off 57 percent from the show’s third-season average of 0.7, and down 66 percent from 2000-2001’s premiere season average of 0.87.
Most shows fade somewhat by their fifth season, but why the steep dropoff for “Folk,” which has remained in the same Sunday 10 p.m. timeslot and enjoyed lots of press coverage for its sex-soaked storylines?
Actually, it may be because of those storylines. A year after gay marriage was a critical, and very divisive, issue in the 2004 election, a show like “Folk” was bound to slip.
While “Queer Eye” and “Will &Grace” play gay for laughs, “Folk” stays serious and issue-oriented, with the gay marriage debate showing up in this year’s storylines. And that may be too much for formerly casual viewers to take.
“Look at where the gay community was five years ago and what's happened since the election,” “Folk” writer-producer Daniel Lipman told the Associated Press during last week’s Showtime Television Critics Association presentation.
With gays feeling increasing scrutiny over gay marriage and adoption, some homosexual viewers may have become exasperated with the promiscuity of several “Folk” characters, not wanting to watch a show that some say enforces stereotypes.
“Queer’s” final season ends Aug. 7.

Тут данные о 513

By Bill Keveney, USA TODAY 9 августа 2005

• Hot cooking. The second hour of Fox's Hell's Kitchen finale tied for the week's top-rated show among ages 18 to 49, attracting 5.7 million young adults. Chef Gordon Ramsay's reality show this week was picked up for a second season.

•Reality lull. Two of the more promising broadcast reality shows, ABC's Brat Camp and Fox's So You Think You Can Dance, sagged compared with a week earlier. Brat Camp dropped to 8 million (from 8.9 million), while a 90-minute Dance stumbled to 7 million (from 8 million). However, Dance edged Brat for the night's top young-adult honors, 3.9 million to 3.8 million.

•Audience dragnet. TNT's The Closer captured its biggest audience since its premiere: 6.1 million viewers.

•Hungry for more viewers. FX's two new comedies showed that they have far to go before they're as popular as the cable network's dramas. Starved, which drew a call for a boycott because of its depiction of people with eating disorders, attracted 1.5 million viewers. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia followed with 1.4 million.

•Popular posse. HBO's Entourage attracted a season-best 2.2 million viewers Sunday. Lisa Kudrow's The Comeback, which follows, trailed with 937,000 viewers.

•Goodbye and hello. The finale of Showtime's Queer as Folk drew a lackluster 547,000 viewers Sunday. It was followed by the premiere of Weeds, a comedy-drama about a pot-dealing suburban widow, which held on to almost all of that audience (540,000) in an odd time slot (11 p.m. ET/PT). A replay of the premiere episode in Weeds' regular time slot (Monday at 10) attracted 490,000 viewers.

•Comic bow. Bravo's new reality series Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List drew 850,000 viewers; it was preceded by a Griffin comedy special that drew 826,000 — modest numbers, but a jump of nearly 300,000 over lead-in Blowout.

•Having the first laugh. The premiere of Hi-Jinks, a new series in which parents pull pranks on kids, was a winner for Nick at Nite. It attracted 2.8 million viewers, a half-million more than the show that preceded it, a Fresh Prince rerun.

*****

www.tvguide.com/News/Ratings-Shameless-Army-Wiv...
март 2011

Shameless' Season 1 conclusion attracted 1.51 million people over two airings, hitting a series high.

The record numbers also gave Showtime its largest viewership for a freshman show's finale in a decade. (Queer as Folk got 1.49 million in 2001).

*******

про рейтинг пилотной серии

The Washington Post, December 6, 2000
TV Ratings Winners & Losers (excerpt)
By Lisa de Moraes
...LOSERS
"Queer as Folk." The ballyhooed remake of the out-there hit Brit series nailed just 1.6 million viewers Sunday from 10 to 11:30 p.m. Showtime, which telecast the remake, is in about 23.5 million homes. HBO's rerun of "The Sopranos" pilot at 8 that night posted 2.8 million viewers. HBO is in about 35 million homes...

@темы: пятый сезон, перевод, Коулип, интервью

---

опять из серии непонятностей маленьких в кадре и за кадром)

хотела в какую-нибудь из старых тем добавить, но я уже сама в них запуталась, так что сделаю новую, а темы потом соединю тегом

первое, (это не мое наблюдение, а flamencanyc) вот кусочек из 112, Эммет на встрече группы желающих увидеть свет, вспоминает момент в кафе



вот капс



все правильно? нифига)
браслет у брайана не на той руке, часы у теда тоже, и касса...
должно быть вот так:



сцена отзеркалена)) причем непонятно зачем
предположение, что из-за того, что это воспоминание не проходит, эммет вспоминает три разных эпизода, и там все в правильную сторону

а это тоже может и мелочь, но меня занимает - кто же взмахивает битой в итоге?)

вот эти кадры появились в доп материалах к третьему сезону, которые вышли на двд в 2004-ом году, конкретно в Behind the camera. With Cast and Crew
последнее, что снято, в последний день съемок первого сезона


на французском сайте написано, что актер игравший хоббса, к этому моменту уже покинул торонто, и битой по голове джастин получает от майкла (точнее, конечно имеется в виду, что в сцене в этой, в моменте удара, снимаются рэнди и хэл)
и вроде с этим все ясно и понятно, они много чего доснимали, переснимали кусками, особенно крупные планы видимо, и не там, где была снята основная сцена, а в студии, о чем нам не раз рассказано во всяких доп материалах)

но есть небольшая нестыковка

впервые об этой истории, про то, что битой взмахивает Хэл, было рассказано годом раньше, в Торонто, на QAF screening
A friend of mine went to a QaF screening tonight along with some Q&A. Randy and Hal showed up halfway through, they had been off filiming....no Gale. She said that Hal said:
"He gave a scoop: in 122, Hal played Hobbes and was the one to hit "Justin" with the bat. Randy piped in, "he really hit me too!" It was the last shot of the year and everyone was gathered around. Hal even said that it was *his* ass that "Brian" was rimming in 101, not Randy's"

Хэл сказал, что это он играл Хоббса в 122 и ударял Джастина битой, и Рэнди добавил, "И он на самом деле ударил меня!",
также Хэл сказал, что это его задница была в 101 в сцене римминга, а не Рэндина.
ну, с риммингом все понятно, шутки Хэл такие кощунственные шутит)), а вот с битой...
ну показали же в доп материалах спустя год этот момент
а теперь то, что меня смущает
нам сначала показывают скотта с камерой, и мы видим картинку на мониторе его камеры
ее показывают ближе и ближе,







потом она заменяется незаметно на картинку с видимо профессиональной камеры



и мы видим вот эти кадры



а потом снова показывают камеру скотта и все то, что происходит в помещении (в котором, кстати, мы видим колоны из Вуди))

но тот кусочек, что мы видим снятым с "профкамеры", это точно не тот дубль, которой в результате мы увидим в серии, это понятно, если сравнить капсы
вот в серии

а вот из кадров из допов (взаиморасположение головы джастина и лампы не совпадает по всем кадрам)



мало того, вот все кадры этого момента, которые мы видим в серии, прямо подряд























все снято непрерывно, и совершенно очевидно, что на ударяющем надет черный костюм,
в то время как в допах на Хэле клетчатая ковбойка, с фланелевой вечеринки

очень возможно, что в допах мы видим еще репетиционный момент, и хэлу сейчас принесут черный пиджак, он его наденет и отснимут то, что войдет в серию, а может и нет, может они пытались переснять, им не понравилось и оставили то, что было снято изначально (если оно вообще было снято конечно)
но короче мне так и не ясно, кого же мы реально видим в серии в момент удара в роли криса хоббса - Хэла или Alec McClure))

@темы: в кадре и за кадром, интересности QAF

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Закрытая запись, не предназначенная для публичного просмотра

---

31-е, однако...

С наступающим!

гифка)



зы резервная копия в каментах))

@темы: гифы

---

внезапно маленький переводик)

в проишествии винить -ula- & candygram )

Penis!fic

Author: techgirl_on_ij
ссылка на оригинал: techgirl-on-ij.livejournal.com/24709.html
Title: Penis!fic
Pairing: Brian/Justin
Timeline: 101


------------

Отлично! Мы направляемся в сторону задних комнат, снова! Обожаю Вавилон!

Ну что за унылый чувак. И как я должен выполнять свою работу, если вот-вот усну от скуки? Может он и выглядел классно на танцполе, но больше ни на что не годен!

Эээ… Брайан? Не мог бы ты немного помочь, пожалуйста.

Ох, спасибо, что вытащил меня из этого рта! Теперь давай просто уйдем. Мы ведь уже получили, что хотели, час или сколько там, назад? И я не против закончить сегодня пораньше.

----------

Ого! Это что сейчас было? Кого ты там увидел?

Судя по голосу, он молод и возбужден! Давай возьмем его домой. Сейчас же!

Брайан голый и мокрый, а этот симпатяга все говорит и говорит что-то. Не буду обращать внимания на слова, сфокусируюсь на его губах. Они выглядят очень заманчиво.

Наконец-то в постели. Мне не терпится трахнуть его!

Да что это с Брайаном? Ну кто отвечает на телефонные звонки посреди секса???

LOL! Он что, только что обкончал Брайана? Вот умора! Брайан будет в ярости!

-------

Я не понимаю этого. Мы были в постели, с Джастином, а теперь несемся в госпиталь. Что бы ни случилось, я не имею к этому никакого отношения! Я не успел даже дотронуться до него!

Хм… ребенок. Похоже, я все-таки имею к этому некоторое отношение.

В вышине на крыше, прижат к члену Майкла – не самое мое излюбленное положение. Отлипните уже друг от друга, ребята. Белобрысый пацан внизу ждет меня!

А доктор секси. Давай трахнем его. Брайан, давай трахнем его! И это не секс, если я не участвовал, чтобы ты там не говорил Майки.

О! Брайан, смотри, вот и Джастин. Поехали скорее обратно домой. Он мне нравится!

«Я буду трахать тебя. Я буду трахать тебя всю ночь.»

Да! С удовольствием сделаю это.

------

Брайан так хочет его, что я ничего не могу с собой поделать, но каменею буквально за секунду! У Джастина дрожат руки, когда он натягивает на меня презерватив, с трудом сдерживаюсь, чтобы не кончить от одних этих прикосновений.

Брайан, я в полной боевой готовности. Погнали!

ОМГ! Он такой тугой и аах, как он сжимается вокруг меня. Я серьезно, Брайан! Думай о чем-нибудь другом, не то я взорвусь прямо сейчас!

Вот, спасибо. Так лучше.

Длинные медленные толчки. Мне нравится это. Очень нравится!

Он вот-вот кончит. Я чувствую! Он стискивает меня все крепче. Боже, хорошо-то как!

Да, вот так, ускоряйся, направляй меня резче в него.

Oh. My. God. Извергаюсь в глубине этой маленькой тесной задницы. Мне кажется, я не смогу остановиться.

Я снова готов! Думаешь, он захочет взять меня в рот? Только не забудь предупредить его, чтобы он спрятал… Ох, черт! Малыш просто рожден для этого! Давай сделаем так, чтобы он был с нами долгое-долгое время!

--------

Джастин! Его зовут Джастин! Бога ради, Брайан, даже я запомнил это. Ты вчера совсем что ли был не в себе?

Брайан! Юный соблазнительный мальчик в нашем душе. Юный соблазнительный мальчик в душе. ЮНЫЙ СОБЛАЗНИТЕЛЬНЫЙ… Йессс! Спасибо, что наконец услышал меня, лучше поздно, чем никогда.

Давай, не останавливайся на одном шлепке. Мне нравится, когда ты делаешь это. Ой! А вот так даже лучше, забудь про шлепанье. Давай трахнем его!

У него потрясная задница! Никак не могу насытиться ей. Обожаю секс в душе: горячая вода, мыло и эта восхитительная задница. Я на небесах для членов!

Брайан опять отвлекся на Джастина. Я уже сбился со счета, сколько раз мы начинали одеваться за сегодняшнее утро, но вынуждены были прерваться. Как мне нравится его тело, и, Боже, я снова хочу его!

О, Майки уже здесь. С весельем придется заканчивать.

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Брайан, он умоляет увидеться с тобой вечером. Просто скажи «да». Ты же чувствуешь, что я хочу этого. Не смей меня игнорировать!

Черт! Мы уезжаем прочь от Джастина. И от его задницы!

«Он почти вымотал меня.»

Эй! Нечего наговаривать, я вовсе не вымотан. Я мог бы трахать его весь день! Одна мысль об этом заставляет меня подрагивать.

Ну, так когда же мы снова встретимся с ним?!

@темы: перевод, фанфик

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дневник Теда с сайта шоутайм

Тед - Ledger


01-07-01 - Episode 5

I'm 33 years old. That means for the last 12 years I've gone to gay bars an average of four times a week, 51 weeks a year (Subtracting 2 days for sickness and 2 days for Christmas and Easter when the bars are closed) for the last 12 years...that's 2,448 times standing in dark corners, lusting after unobtainable men since I turned 21. In that time I've attempted to meet an average of three people a night ...that's 7,344 men. (Subtracting approximately 23 for those brave souls with whom I've had "full-on" sex - and who, I might add, never called me again.)

This means, in my relatively short life, I've been rejected by 7321 men and have had one near-death experience. (Sometimes I hate being an accountant.) When you think about it, a rat wouldn't find his way through a maze if there wasn't cheese at the end ... and he certainly wouldn't try it 2,448 times! That does it! NO MORE GAY CLUBS! If being in that coma taught me anything it's this: There is no "dream man" at the end of the Babylon maze - there isn't even cheese.

There's just attitude, vapid twinkies, dangerous drugs and enough disappointment that any sane man would run in the other direction. SO RUN ALREADY! Hasn't my near death experience taught me anything? Yes. It has. It's taught me that life is short - too short to spend it being rejected by men I DON'T EVEN LIKE. I know there are good men out there - they just aren't in the clubs ... or, at least, aren't visible in the clubs - maybe they're wearing some type of club camouflage? Or maybe that's my problem - maybe I'm dressed like the wallpaper at Babylon.

They certainly treat me that way. I just need to look elsewhere - there are lots of other ways to meet guys. I just need to stop focusing on what they look like or how young they are or how big their muscles are. Face it. We're all gonna be old some day, and none of us will be able to count on our physical beauty - not even Brian. I just want to meet someone with whom I can really share my life with ... a soul-mate .. with cheese.

01-21-01 - Episode 6

Ran into Blake in the bathroom of Babylon. He's the asshole who gave me the GHB that put me into a coma -- Anyway, while we both were at the urinals he informed me he didn't just run out on me after I passed out. He called 911 from the corner -- perhaps this is just a small consolation, but it did restore my confidence in the queer community ... somewhat. However, just as I was about to ask him on a second date - yes I AM that pathetic -- I discovered he has a boyfriend. What God gives with one hand, he takes away with the other.

On a more depressing note ... (Yes it actually can get more depressing!) I aborted my attempt to meet men in a more "nurturing and stimulating environment" (aka Date Bait) My feeble escapade with Roger (Carnegie Mellon Voice Teacher who NEVER WORKED OUT IN HIS LIFE) can be compared with the Hindenburg on the scale of disasters - well maybe worse since the Hindenburg was at least able to get it up. I, needless to say, wasn't. What's wrong with me? He was everything I said I wanted - on an intellectual/emotional level. But I just couldn't develop an attraction for him. Trying as hard as I did just made it worse. The good thing is I realized being alone is far more desirable than being with someone you have no attraction for. Say what you want about sex...but sexual compatibility is important in the end. I guess I'm still willing to live with my dream that I will be able to have it all: a man I both desire and like. Hell, despite what Emmett thinks, being over 30 doesn't mean life's over. I can wait until at least 40 before I have to settle for mushy-assed choir masters - and maybe by then I'll find it attractive. Then again - maybe not.

01-28-01 - Episode 07

Why am I feeling so left out in my own life? Everything I talk about, or think about seems to be about Michael and David or Brian and Justin...like the only people that matter around this town are the "pretty ones." Even when Emmett and I are alone, that's all we discuss: Brian and Michael's sex lives. I don't even feel like I'm the protagonist in my own story anymore. I'm just the incidental character who stands on the sidelines and comments acerbically about how Brian is breaking the heart of yet another unsuspecting victim! Or how Michael isn't living up to his potential as a hottie....Arrrgh! Who the hell cares?! (I do obviously.)

But what about me?!! I guess I just need to accept the fact that they live - or maybe everybody does -- a more interesting life than I live. Maybe, this isn't going to change. Maybe, I should have stayed with what's-his-name (the choir director) and try to be happy spending Saturday nights watching reruns on TBS and imagining Roger didn't have the body of a young Ernest Borgnine... This is a really depressing thought, but at least I wouldn't be alone. Then again, maybe I should have stayed in the coma - at least people seem to notice me when I was nearly dead. Jesus! Listen to me! Get over it, Ted! Enough with the Pity Party! Cheer the hell up! Think I'll go rent a video (fifth one is free tonight!) and crack open some Ben and Jerry's....not a depression yet that can't be cured with a pint of Chunky Monkey and some quality time with my favorite porn stars.

02-04-01 - Episode 8

Thought I'd take a break from porn and masturbation this week. I don't think I've gone two days (apart from my coma) since I was 13 without having a wank at some photo or video of a naked stranger. Decided this obsession with fantasy men has kept me from settling for the guys with whom I could actually have a relationship - guys that aren't perfect. So, instead of watching a bevy of Eastern European Porn stars romp around nude, I got a book of Walt Whitman's poetry from the public library and started an investigation of my soul instead of my genitals. Unfortunately, I started with that part of Song of Myself where he talks about all those young men swimming naked ...Got me totally worked up and....Guess I'll just say I lost the book and pay the fine. God, that Walt Whitman! It was like a 19th century version of Honcho for Ye Old Queer. What can I say ... I'm weak. I could find the Rice Krispies box hot if Snap, Crackle and Pop would show just a little more damn skin.

02-11-01 - Episode 09

# of men who rejected me this week = 5 (6 if you count the hottie at the video store who wouldn't acknowledge me because he was fixated on this other customer with bigger biceps than me.)

# of porn videos rented = 7

Goals for this week - Same as last week:

1. Save Money.
2. Work Out More.
3. Do something positive for myself.
4. Attempt to Meet One Potential Boyfriend.

Ways I failed on my goals last week:

* "Save Money" - Spent a fortune on new porn...favorite was new porn-kung fu movie Sucking Tiger, Humping Lion- Mediocre sex...except the hot scene where the Kung Fu Master took a sauna with a pool boy. Why do porn stars have to talk? They all have nelly voices. Can't they just dub a butch guy's voice like they did in the 70s?
* "Work out more intensely" - Spent nearly 10 hours in the gym this week, but worked out about 3. We always end up looking at everyone else's muscles rather than working on our own. Or I'll say something about how I want a chest like Russell Crowe's and then Emmett will start an argument about who's cuter Russell Crowe or that new Irish actor that was in Tigerland. Today, I stopped working out because I wanted to cruise the sauna without Emmett blabbering away...I thought I saw this total stud give me a look...but he might have been checking out the clock. (Think his name is Buck, or Chuck or something else butch and monosyllabic.) But when I slithered into the steam I saw Brian was there bobbing for boyfriends, so it was pointless. Cruising a sauna with Brian is like studying physics with Stephen Hawking....humbling.
* "Do Something Positive For Myself" - Well...uh ... maybe next week.
* "Meet one potential boyfriend"- Cruised the new Brazilian coffee guy at Starbucks. Tried to break the ice when he asked me what I wanted to drink...I said "How 'bout a Hot-Single-Brazilian-Mochacchino-Latino"... He just stared at me with this look that was slightly south of contempt. I hate my life. I suck. I SOOOOO suck!

02-18-01 - Episode 10

* # of sex partners this week - 0
* # of times I've been rejected - 13! (An all-time record thanks to our trip to Chelsea!)
* # of porn videos rented - only 1. ("Sex Toy Story 3")

God, all those hotties in Chelsea. I think I'll stay right here in Pittsburgh, where there's still the inkling of a chance I'll get laid. The road trip wiped me out. Slept like a baby until about 5 a.m. when I woke up -- wet dream again - I can't believe I still have these. (Wonder if something is physically wrong?) God knows I whack off enough. Same old dream: Mikey and me... going to Disney World together. This time we're on Space Mountain and we go around this sharp corner. He pulls my arms around him tight, and then suddenly slips something into my hand - his favorite Captain Astro comic book... and suddenly I know that he loves me, so I ask him if he wants to cut the line and go on the ride again. He says he'll think about it, and I get really excited just because he's thinking about it... YOU ARE SO PATHETIC TED! Your fantasies are even boring! You can't even have a real erotic dream about someone... for God's sake at least get to second base!

Saw my parking lot paramour at the Supermarket again tonight. He is SO hot. He doesn't even look at me now. Asshole.

02-25-01 - Episode 11

* # of sex partners - 1 and a half (long story, no time)
* # of porn videos watched - 23 (busy week - should maybe seek help.)
* # of times I was rejected - ONLY TWO! (Mostly because I haven't really tried and Michael's moving in with David has put a damper on my going out.)

I feel completely weird today... depressed and lost and... What is going on? I guess Michael moving in with David has made me even more depressed than usual. Yet, I suppose I'm happy for him... or should be... just wish it was me. (Here comes Mr. Pathetic again!) But, then again... I think it's not just that... it's that everything feels different now. I think it's really because Brian and Michael aren't friends anymore, and our group has sort of fallen apart. As much as I hate Brian Kinney for what he did - not to mention that he treats me like troll-dirt - Brian and Michael's friendship was sort of the centerpiece for this little dysfunctional family we had. Now it's gone. Maybe that's why Emmett is acting so weird. (I can't believe he turned down that doctor's assistant guy!) I should just get away from Pittsburgh -- move to Columbus, Ohio or something. Some place with new people. No one should ever live in the same city their entire life. Heard Columbus is good for queers that want to settle down. Maybe, the change would be really good for me... maybe I'll finally stop thinking about Michael. Or maybe someplace more obscure where the competition will really be low - Butte, Montana? I bet I could find some gorgeous queer guy who doesn't know that there are other queers out there and he'll just fall head over heals in love with me. Possibly he'd find me charmingly humble instead of pathetic. We could move into some obscure cabin in the mountains so he'd never discover other men... Nice dream. Then again if I moved to Montana I'd probably end up the only single queer man within a thousand miles and end up dating a sheep... then again, I'd probably be the first man on earth rejected by gay live stock.

03-04-01 - Episode 12

NOTE THIS MIRACLE!

* # of sex partners in last week = 7 !!!! (An all time high!)
* # of times rejected = 3 (An all time low!)
* # of porn videos rented = Zilch! (Who needs 'em! I'm a sex machine!)

Thanks to my symbiotic relationship with Brian (AKA "Collecting Brian's Rejects"), I've completely changed my luck with men. Who knew there were so many men out there desperate for accounting help! Maybe it's all those numbers I spout out that distracts them? Who cares! Last night my "buddy" Brian and I were playing pinball - actually Brian was playing alone while I either bought him beers or stood on the side and pathetically watched, saying things like "Good one, Bri! Man look at those points!" Then this tourist from Quebec started to hit on Brian. He was total 100% Canadian beef and unbelievably hot -- even hotter than the 6 preceding hotties that were so hot they broke all the hottie-ness records to date! Anyway, Brian, still depressed over his fight with Michael, told Jean Claude (Even his name was hot!) to take a hike. Jean Claude started to walk away, totally deflated by Brian's rejection, muttering something in French which (I think) was the equivalent of "arrogant asshole." (Who knew Brian's attitude translates so clearly into Romance languages?) I quickly followed Jean Claude and started in on my sure-fire "tax advice" line... but then something horrible happened... Jean Claude asked me if I knew anything about Canadian tax laws. "Ugh!" I thought, "Damn these national borders!" I immediately fell into my old self-deprecating shuffle. But THEN something wonderful happened... he asked ME if I was Brian's boyfriend! Me! I stammered for a moment... and then I said: "Yes... but we're having some troubles. He just doesn't turn me on anymore, and he gets really jealous." Then I told him we better head outside or Brian was liable to throw a fit. And ya know what? He did! There's nothing a guy wants more than to cheat with the boyfriend of the guy who just rejected him! Call it the seductiveness of revenge. I guess I'm a jerk for lying... but like the tax laws, the laws of hooking up have lots of loopholes... especially for guys like me.

But... DISASTER JUST STRUCK!

Michael and Brian are talking! I mean, I'm glad for them, but... ARRRGH! This means Brian will be back with the boys and I'll be back with the VCR. I feel depressed. Maybe I should go buy a DVD player?

03-11-01 - Episode 13

* Tricks - 0
* Rejections - 0 (At least that's a good thing...except I haven't even tried.)
* Porn Tapes Rented - 0

I don't think I will ever speak to Emmett again as long as I live. The ingratitude! I'm out $1000 bucks, and he's not "out" at all! The least he could have done was tell me "thanks for the effort." I tried calling Zak O'Toole to get my money back, but he says there is a "no return" policy on private sessions. I said, "How do you "not return" a non-occurring sex act?" Then he just hung up. I am furious! I'd call the better business bureau but I don't think they have a category for hookers. They should. Hmmm? Good new business idea except for the legal problems. Maybe not. What am I thinking?! I'm not in my right head because of that damn Emmett! How can the queen of all queens think he can turn straight? Why would he want to? It just doesn't make sense. He was the one who was the first to claim his pride. It guts the very foundation of my sense of reality. Of course, the worst part of all of this is that I spent a grand on a hot guy and NO ONE GOT TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM! I'm going to call Zak one more time and try asking if he can at least give me a 15 minute session just for the sake of good business.

No go on the "good business practice" with Zak. But I did just get a delivery from his "personal assistant," a hot Honduran guy named Rodrigo - probably Zak's personal fluffer. He started saying something about Zak and his "P-Sigh-kick." I had no idea what he was saying until he pulled out a pocket dictionary and showed me the word "psychic." It seems Zak is into spiritualism and Karma...stuff like that. It seems he consulted his psychic on my suggestion of some compensation for the "non-event." So, this psychic (bless her clairvoyant little head) told him that the cards revealed that Zak needed to give something to a "small pathetic man who bestowed a large gift on him." That's me, of course! I was hoping the spirit world had said, "Give the pathetic guy his cash back" or at least an hour with Rodrigo. But instead, Rodrigo just handed me a large envelope and told me it was a gift from Zak and the spirit world. Money? No dice. Inside were two autographed pictures of Zak and his "buddy" circa 1983 (I think he's been surgically enhanced since then!) Bastard! I hereby swear I will never watch another Zak O'Toole film as long as I live - unless they ever do a DVD re-release of his infamous Tolstoy homage "Ward and His Piece" where Zak rapes the entire Russian Army - played by real Russians! (I suppose even I have my price.)

6 p.m.
Getting ready to go out to Woody's. I miss Emmett so badly right now. I'm imagining him criticizing absolutely every piece of clothing I own. Dressing boring just isn't fun without a queen to complain about it. Why couldn't he decide to change just his sex instead of his sexuality...I'd love to have had him as a transgendered fag hag. Now, I just have Michael and Brian - which makes me the only one who can't get a date in Pittsburgh.

03-18-01 - Episode 14

* Sex partners - 1.5 (Stopped in the middle of second - bathroom attendant walked in.)
* Number of times humiliated by rejection - 8 (Not bad, considering)
* Number of Porn videos rented - 8 (All this religious talk made me horny.)

Emmett is back with the One True Church - The Holy Temple of Queerness. Thank God. Now everything can get back to normal. And it is: Emmett is embarrassingly fabulous and gayer than Liberace at a Radical Faeries convention, Michael's dating David (but still secretly lusting over Brian), Brian's sleeping with everyone, Justin's mooning over Brian, and the lesbians are...well at least they're still lesbian. Then there's me...nothing's changed here. Still somewhat in love with Michael-but-clearly-getting-over-it. That's the biggest and best change I guess. Everything else is the same...always the same. Which is fine. Never been a big fan of change. It upsets the balance of nature. Anytime I try anything different I either end up embarrassing myself or in a coma. Stick with the basics: the three Ps: porn, perfunctory sex, and perpetual rejections. Good ol' Ted.

Leather Ball is coming up. Talk about embarrassing one's self! Why do gay men do leather? Where does that come from? We look bad enough wearing tight T-shirts - or at least I do. I would NEVER be caught dead in some pseudo-Gladiator drag. Have we no shame? Uh...come to think of it... no.

Time for lunch. Think I'll have tunafish.

04-01-01 - Episode 15

* Tricks - 1 ...One big one.
* Rejections 0 None Zilch!
* Porn videos rented 3 (not bad)
* Strap marks - 7!

Last night was...there are no words. I can't believe I did it. Me! Completely boring, totally predictable Ted...ME! A leather bottom! (One night only, thank you...I think?) First Dale made sure that I felt comfortable and trusted him. He gave me an "escape word" ("green")- He told me to say this if I wasn't comfortable doing something. Then so much happened next that I can't write about, just in case anyone ever finds this! But lets just say this, if before Dale Wexler I was a "a very boring tuna fish sandwich," after Dale Wexler I definitely am a satisfied plate of Mongolian beef stir fry...it was that wild! At first I struggled between feeling dirty and feeling thrilled. Ultimately, this whole leather thing isn't about "dirty sex"...it's a metaphor...it's about trusting another so much you let him take you into his fantasies...let him bring to life what he thinks your deepest psychological cravings are... God, what have I become? Will I ever get the wax out of my chest hair?

04-08-01 - Episode 16

* Sexual encounters - 1 (sauna - nothing special)
* Number of times rejected - 3 (not bad)
* Number of porn videos rented - 4 (all leather!)

Michael and David are still in Paris. Probably having the time of their lives. Good for Michael. He deserves it. This will open him up to the world. Everyone needs to try new things. Gosh knows I did. My leather experience with Dale has made me look at life in an entirely new way. Been researching more about the "leather lifestyle" online and also started reading Masoch. (He's the philosopher "masochism" was named after.) I also bought this beginners guide to the Marquis De Sade. (I never knew how little I knew about him. Cool guy!) Went to the leather store and picked up a new leather jacket and hat. I can't believe I used to think leather guys were freaks. I'm not going to dress in leather 24/7, but I really think it's a good new hobby. And it's no different than Michael's comic books, or Emmett's collection of designer scarves and Barbra memorabilia. (Talk about masochism!) What scares me is how easy it was for me to change. What else might I do? What other "absolutely never" might suddenly become my "new hobby?" Who knows, maybe someday I'll do another complete turn around and become a cross-dressing-pierced-born-again-straight-Barbra-Streisand-fan who likes to watch "Touched By An Angel." Then again...maybe some things will never change.

Dale just called and told me about this big leather convention in Chicago on Memorial Day. He said it's the biggest leather convention in the world, and becomes this incredible scene where you can meet hot leather daddies from all over the world. They're selling weekend packages at Fair Leather Friend. I sort of want to go. Supposedly, even the lobby of the hotel becomes a mini-Sodom and Gomorrah...emphasis on Sodom. I can't imagine Emmett, Brian and Michael would want to go. Maybe that's good. Maybe it's time we started individuating, and finding ourselves on our own. Then again, I'd love to see Emmett in an aqua leather jump suit...but not before lunch.

04-15-01 - Episode 17

* Number of sex partners - 0
* Number of people who rejected me - seems like a million (really 8)
* Number of videos rented - 8 (all were lousy.)

God I'm horny...so unbelievably horny. It's been nearly two weeks since the last time I had sex, and it's all I'm thinking about. Maybe I have a problem...but then again almost everyone I know (the lesbians excluded) only thinks about sex. Maybe I'm just being affected by my environment. I guess it's not just sex I want; I WANT A DATE. A real date, with someone who tells me his real name, and doesn't immediately leave after sex, and doesn't have a boyfriend. Then again...just sex might be fine for now. I could call up Master Dale...but I'm not sure I'm in the mood for role-playing. Dale just doesn't do lite leather...what would one call that? Leather lite? Ultra suede? Naugahyde? Who knows? I just want a date...just one measly little date. Is that so much to ask? Well, at least tomorrow is Saturday and we're all going to Babylon and, as God as my witness, I'll meet at least one new guy who doesn't reject me!

04-22-01 - Episode 18

* Number of sex partners - 1
* Rejections - 0 (other than every time I look in the mirror and reject myself for being an ass)
* Porn Videos Rented - 0

I feel like such a jerk. Finding Blake might have been the best thing that ever happened to me, and I screwed it up...over a misplaced wallet! Now he'll never talk to me again. I wouldn't blame him. Why did I have to listen to Emmett?! I swear sometimes he just wants to keep me single because he can't handle a real relationship himself. The old "misery loves company" scenario. Maybe, I did this on purpose. I bet a therapist would say I have a tendency to crush my opportunities for love. But was it love? How can I know? I know I think about him in a way I never thought about anyone before...even Michael. I know I want to protect him, and help him, and make love to him, and do anything for him. I think it was love. I know it was the first time in my life it ever felt real; the first time anyone ever loved me back. If he did really love me? Did he? It certainly felt like it...the way he looked at me. I know Emmett would say I was just looking at life through some sort of penis telescope, but I wasn't. I know this time it was about my heart. Why aren't things more clear? I guess I could just move on the way every other gay man would...just chalk it up to a "bad date"... but I can't. That's why I'm different. I know when I first met Blake it was a nightmare, a mistake, but it was a mistake which gave me a new lease on life. Good and bad aren't clear-cut issues. Fate is not easy to judge. I know his moving in with me was a second chance for both of us. I've got to find him. I've got to.

04-29-01 - Episode 19

* Number of sex partners - 1 (Blake)
* Rejections - 0
* Porn Videos Rented - 0

Just put Blake to bed. He fell asleep listening to "La Traviata." I love how he's taken to opera like he was born to it. I can't wait to introduce him to La Bohème...although maybe I should lay off the tragic heroines for a while. Boy, that cuts out a lot of opera...unless we limit ourselves to Schoenberg.

Tomorrow, Blake starts going to NA meetings at the center. It's going to be hard for him, but I think he can do it. I know he can. I bought a book on recovery yesterday. A little scary. It says a person who is trying to stop using drugs or alcohol shouldn't be in a relationship until he's through his first year of sobriety. Worried me a bit, but then I realize that these are just general rules. Everybody's different. Blake and I aren't some stupid co-dependent couple who have been through this time and time again. I'm not going to hinder his becoming sober, I'm only here to help it. I'm going to have to keep my distance from the bars and clubs. Seeing that could screw Blake up. No, from now on, it's going to be only healthy living and lots of nights at home.

06-10-01 - Episode 20

Blake just went to the store to buy us some Chunky Monkey frozen yogurt. He is looking so healthy and strong these days. I'm so in love with him...and I know he loves me. It still doesn't feel real sometimes. I still have panic attacks that someone is going to take it away...or that I'm just imagining how good everything is. But it isn't a dream. He's really been able to stay off drugs...despite all my so-called "friends" saying he can't. Why do people like Emmett doubt that someone can change? It happens all the time. Change happens. People do get over drug addiction and alcoholism and sex addiction. Sure some people don't...or maybe even a large percentage of them don't...but those people aren't as dedicated to getting better as Blake is. They also don't have me supporting them, showing them that someone really cares. But everyone just wants to think the worst. Can't they see their doubt and distrust makes it harder for the person trying to heal? At least Michael is attempting to be his friend now. I knew he'd be able to see the goodness in Blake. In a way, Blake is a lot like Michael...it's just that Blake didn't have the guidance Michael had when he was growing up. By the time he was 16, his parents had practically tossed him out. Maybe if Blake had someone like Debbie, things would have turned out very differently. And after all, it's not like he wanted to have a problem with drugs. It's not like someone wakes up in the morning and says, "Hmm, today I think I'll be a drug addict." He screwed up. But he can also heal...and he is. He has even started to look for work. He's excited about it too. This morning he put on that really worn white oxford shirt he has - I think it's his only one - and went out to pound the pavement. I really need to do something to show him how proud I am of him...to show him I believe in him as much as he believes in himself. Maybe I should buy him a new dress shirt or a whole new suit for interviews. He'd like that.

06-17-01 - Episode 21

I have to remain calm. I can't jump to any conclusions. But I'm freaking. Really freaking. I found a vile of Meth in Blake's coat. It might be from before I met him. I don't want to jump to any conclusions. But the suit was new...but then again he might have pulled everything out of his pocket at once. I've done that before. You don't really look at the contents, you just scoop everything out and shove it in the new jacket. Or maybe he was holding it for a friend. (That would be just as bad...sort of.) Or maybe someone is trying to set him up and slipped it in his pocket. Am I in denial or what? I just will ask him later. Or tomorrow. I don't really want to think about it anymore.

06-24-01 - Episode 22

It's over. I know that now. Blake is gone, and I don't even know where he went. As soon as I left the rehab center I started to head to Woody's to see if he had gone there to find his drug dealer. But I stopped myself. What's the point? Maybe some day in the future he'll hit bottom again and finally be in a place to change. But how many times does he have to fall? I don't want to think about it. I need to take care of myself right now. I don't want to have every other thought be about him. But it's so hard.

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дневник Мел с сайта шоутайм

Мелани - Legal Pad

01-07-01 - Episode 5

For the hundredth time: I hate Brian Kinney! Lindsay thinks he should have unlimited access to the baby... As if he were a real father. Just because he did us a "huge favor" and shot his precious load into a cup.

If Brian had access to everywhere he blew a wad he'd be the mayor of Pittsburgh. Can't she see his only interest in Gus is the same as it is with everyone: power and control.

That's why he hates me, because he'll never control me. I don't give a damn how charming or good looking he is. Lindsay's got to start standing up to him. If she doesn't, I will. I'm not gonna let him destroy my family. Need to get this thing settled soon - legally.

01-21-01 - Episode 6

Work sucked this week. Too many clients demanding too much of my time. Sometimes I hate being a lawyer. Thank God I had the weekend to spend on the art show with Lindsay and the baby. Gus is growing like a weed. He's certainly going to be an open-minded kid when he grows up that's for sure. During the art show he had every dyke, drag queen and queer boy fawning all over him like he was the second coming of Judy Garland. What will that be like for him when he's older? To never know prejudice when you're growing up? Although if we send him to school he's going to have to face the fact that he doesn't have a traditional family...he'll get some kidding. I know the center has a group for kids with queer parents. But maybe it might be better to home school him anyway. I wonder if Lindsay would be open to it? Don't want to be over protective but how necessary is it to expose a kid to hate so early? I know people will say we'd be keeping him from being exposed to the "real world", but what law says that a kid needs to be exposed to prejudice to develop as a whole human being? Are kids raised in violent countries better people because they've witnessed bloodshed? Were black children better off during slavery since they got to see the vividness of racism up close? Then again will Lindsay want to stay home for that many years? Doubtful. Well ... guess I'll just put that into the "things to be discussed at a much later date" column.

01-28-01 - Episode 07

This baby stuff is getting really expensive. It'll be nice when Lindsay goes back to work and we can get some more money coming in. How can babies be so expensive? He's worth it - when I get to spend time with him. Wish I had time off to get to know him on my own. Also be nice to have some quality time with Lindsay - starting to forget what it was like to have a girlfriend. I feel like all I'm good for is my paycheck. Starting to feel resentful...I tried to talk to Lindsay about it the other night but she kind of froze up on me. Luckily, things will be different soon. Patience.

02-04-01 - Episode 8

God I can barely keep my eyes open. First Lindsay woke me up because she had some nightmare, then Gus started crying - he might have a little cold. Now, I'm behind on this case, and I have no energy to put into it. Was really surprised that Lindsay made Brian do something about Justin the other night. Maybe she's finally learning that Brian leaves everyone else to clean up his messes, and he won't grow up until he learns to clean up after himself. Thank God! Maybe there is hope! ...Damn! Boss just came in and balled me out for not returning some stupid client's call. As if Lawyers are ever supposed to return calls in a timely manner.

02-11-01 - Episode 09

I wish Brian were DEAD!

I knew he'd do it! I knew that schmuck would back out on his agreement to give up his rights to Gus. Even worse is how Lindsay reacted toward the whole thing. It's like she doesn't even care! I couldn't even look at her tonight when we were watching TV. -Called my friend Angela from San Fran. She told me this great dyke-drama story about Myra (The hot bi-sexual actress who was dating Winnie- the power dyke from Cleveland she met at the Lilith fair last year.) Myra decided to get a breast enlargement - something she planned to do before she met Winnie. Winnie thought it was a disgusting bow to the patriarchy of Hollywood while Myra just saw it as a way to get better parts ... "or at least larger parts." (Angela's joke not mine.) Anyway, Winnie finally relented and Myra got the breast enlargement (34 DD). Everyone thought everything was fine until Winnie found this LOVE LETTER from Myra's plastic surgeon. (A Man! Go figure.) Winnie confronted Myra - who was still healing from the surgery - and broke up with her. Myra completely freaked-out and said the affair with the surgeon really didn't mean anything - it was just a way to get a good discount! (I couldn't believe it - bisexual women can be such whores!) Then when Winnie started walking out, Myra threatened to "tear the stitches from her breasts" if Winnie left. Of course, this overly dramatic gesture convinced Winnie that Myra was still really in love with her, and they decided to have a commitment ceremony as soon as Myra's scars healed. PATHETIC! But sort of riveting ... leave it to Angela to turn Dyke Drama into Greek Tragedy. The best part of the story was that it took my mind off hating Brian for a minute, and also made me realize how lucky I am to have Lindsay ... I do love her ...and she already has fabulous breasts.

02-18-01 - Episode 10

Why am I feeling so resentful all of a sudden? I guess I thought giving Lindsay this year off to be with Gus would make everything change back to before... to how we felt about each other during her pregnancy. I thought it would make me feel more like I had some right to Gus... but it hasn't. I'm feeling like I'm being used by her... and by Brian. Like I'm paying for Brian's child. NO! I've got to get rid of that thought. Got to remember Gus is my child too. I'm just so damn tired, and work is incredibly stressful and less than fulfilling, I've nearly doubled my caseload from three months ago! When this is all over I want to go away with Lindz - to Aruba or the South of France maybe. Aix en Provence? Nice? Someplace warm, and beautiful where we can lie down in the sun with our tops off and get back to knowing each other. When? When Gus is finished kindergarten? Elementary school? High School? God, when are we going to get to be alone again?

02-25-01 - Episode 11

Still feel like hell from being drunk the other night. Depressed. Guilty. Irritated. Peevish. Moribund. Lindsay wouldn't even touch me last night. This isn't just "lesbian-bed-death" this is downright "lesbian-bed-dead-n-buried-n-rotting-in-the-ground!" Jesus! This journal has become a litany of my complaints. Am I really this whiny? I really should try and write something more positive, or posterity will remember me as one of the more dreary and depressing dykes in history... a sapphic Sylvia Path. Ha! That would mean Lindsay is the lesbian version of Ted Hughes... asshole! (Even if he did write better poetry than Plath - God, if any women ever finds this journal I'll be tarred-n-feathered by the Daughters of Bilitis.) At least Plath had something to show for her misery... poetry. What is my legacy? Legal briefs? Our well-manicured lawn? My son WHO-ISN'T-LEGALLY-MINE?! Nope... no legacy there, Mel. Gus is Brian and Lindsay's legal child... You? You're just his meal ticket. Well... so much for writing something positive... maybe tomorrow.

03-04-01 - Episode 12

Had a little too much to drink and now Lindsay's giving me her Aryan ice princess routine again. Why does she think I drink?! Does she think it's so damn easy to be with someone who seems to care more for a self-centered, egomaniacal, SPERM DONOR?!!! God, I really am a little inee-bree-ate-id (how the hell do you spell this? Stupid English!) I'm... tipsy... I can hardly read this... who's writing this? Now, look at this, I'm talking... er..."writing" to myself... wait, isn't that what a journal is? Maybe I AM drunk! Great, now Lindsay will think she's ALWAYS RIGHT. Well, YOU'RE NOT MISS POLLY SHIKSA WHITEBREAD! I wouldn't be drunk if you really cared... but you don't... you only care about the baby and that friggin' Brian. I HATE BRIAN! I HATE HIM, I HATE HIM, I HATE HIM....Ooops. Not feeling too good. I better go to bed. Bye bye journal... I'll write later.

03-11-01 - Episode 13

I've left Gus and Lindsay. Just like my father left. Something I thought I would never do. It's nearly 2 a.m., and I'm sitting in Cousin Rita's tacky "kitchen nook" writing, and feeling lousy. Rita spent the entire meal gloating about how she predicted Lindsay and I would never work out. Then her neighbor, Esther, pulls me into the foyer and says "Couldn't you meet a nice Jewish lesbian... those girls are filthy rich. I see 'em all the time taking writing courses over at the Jewish Y." Aaaah! This place is driving me crazy. And Rita's meal was horrible! She made this god-awful goulash recipe she said she saw on the Food Network. I asked her if she was sure it wasn't the Discovery Channel - but she didn't get the joke. She never does. I hate it here. I hate her. I hate goulash.

11 p.m.
I miss Lindsay and hearing Gus make bubble sounds and his little peeps and...I'm crying again...I've got to stop this. I just wish I didn't have to sleep alone tonight. Although sleeping with Lindsay has become worse than sleeping alone...it's like sleeping with a block of ice. That one night with Marianne - whatever it meant - was the first time in so long I felt warm, unafraid, attractive and sexy. I can still remember her voice, so deep and warm like chocolate and spice...whispering things into my ear...things about me, not about Brian or the baby or how she needed more money to buy more new baby supplies she read about in Parenting magazine. Marianne really wanted me for me, for my body and my face, not for the fact I can pay to let her stay home with a baby who isn't even l egally mine! I can't write any more, my hand is shaking.

3 a.m.
Rita just brought me warm milk and some leftover tiramisu (thanks to yesterday's episode of "The Essence of Emeril"). Unfortunately she didn't follow the recipe, so her version of it tasted like cinnamon flavored school paste. The one thing I'll say for Lindz: the gal can cook, and before we fell apart she also could kiss, and make love like a crazy woman, and laugh, and touch me in a way that gave me chills. God, I want that back, I really do. But, the one thing I'm learning is that life isn't a movie. There aren't always happy endings. Life is sloppy and it can and does end badly sometimes. Maybe this is one of those times.

5:30 a.m.
Gave up the idea of sleeping. Started reading Rita's library, which mostly consists of self-help books. Crap like "How to Meet a Man in 15 Minutes a Day" and "What Men Want and How You Can Give It to Them" and "How to Dissolve a Bad Relationship in One Weekend." Then, next to a myriad of cookbooks, she also has a bunch of fad-diet books from the "Zone" to the "Zombie Diet" - which by the way talks about eating while wearing a blind fold! This allegedly makes you eat for satiation rather than allowing other factors -- visual elements of amounts and "plate white space." Jesus! Who are these schmucks?! Give me some of Lindsay's good old home cooking any day. I'd kill for some of her homemade granola right now. Great. There I am doing it again. Obsessing! Stop it! Why do I feel like I might have done the wrong thing leaving so quickly, and at the same time feel like it was the best thing to happen? How can two opposing thoughts fill my brain equally and incessantly?

10 a.m.
Can hardly keep my head up. So tired. Ted called. Wants to go to a Marx Brothers movie this weekend. Says it will cheer me up. Doubt it.

03-18-01 - Episode 14

10 a.m. Flight from Pittsburgh to Miami

Sitting in coach. Couldn't get bumped up. Bastards. There's this fat, accountant-type man on one side of me (sorry, Ted), and this prim-looking young woman on the other side of me reading pamphlets. By the looks of things she's a Jehovah's Witness. God help me, if she starts trying to convert me. These silly sanctimonious religious zealots. So damn afraid of life's complexity they try to cling to anything to make it easier. Well, it's not. Listen to me! I'm as "sanctimonious" as they are when it comes down to it. Why is my life so great? A failed relationship, I've abandoned my son, I've started to hate my job...maybe I should ask her for one of those pamphlets. Maybe I should see the light like Emmett did...nah, I'll just try to screw with this gal's mind instead. Ooops, plane's taking off. Store everything under the seat, Mel...including your attitude.

11:30
Landing in a while. Donna, the Jehovah's witness, is actually a really nice gal. She isn't really a full JW yet. Just started looking into it after she broke up with her "partner" last summer. I told her I just broke up too. She didn't seem shocked when I said, "Broke up with my girlfriend..." Maybe she's queer. She used a lot of indefinite pronouns, "They just weren't right for me, I guess..." and "They were the first person I loved..." I'm gonna give Donna my phone number, and see if I can't stop her from going off the deep end.

1 p.m. Boca Raton
Sitting on the sun deck while mom is yabbering with Cousin Rita on the phone. Think I saved Donna the Almost-Jehovah's Witness. Told her about Emmett. Said just because your heart is broken doesn't mean you should give up on life. Funny, telling her that made me think the same thing. No matter what happens with Lindsay, I'm not giving up on life. There are plenty of other lesbians out there...woman who are a lot more open and giving than the Ice Princess. Life isn't over.

1:30
God, I miss Lindz.

04-01-01 - Episode 15

Lonely, lonely, lonely. God, everything is reminding me of Lindsay. I try and think about other stuff but I just can't seem to escape it. Went to do some grocery shopping and saw a package of Wonder Bread and I started cry. At first I thought, "What the hell is wrong with me?" Then I remembered back when we first met, and I used to tease Lindz about eating white bread ...how it was another example of her WASP roots. I ended up buying a loaf, going home and making a peanut butter and banana sandwich (Lindsay's old favorite as a kid). It was god awful, but I ate three. Feel sick now.

Have to get out of this hole I'm in!

Bought some books to help: "Breaking Up, Breaking Ground" by some straight woman, but the back looked good, "What To Do When You Lose the Love Of Your Life" by some straight guy. (Good to get perspectives from the other teams.) Also bought, "How to Rebuild Your House-of-Self After the Bulldozer of a Break Up has Uprooted Your Foundation of Love." (I guess I just wanted to read something written by someone who was obviously even more pathetic than me.)

Dyke Nite at Babylon this weekend, maybe I'll call some friends. Got to start circulating again. Force myself to meet other women. God, the thought of it makes me sick. Who can I call to go with me? Sort of hard when all my gal friends are married. There's nothing more threatening to a lesbian couple than a recently separated lesbian who needs comforting. I could call Marianne, but THAT would NOT be a good idea. (Part of me feels angry that she even exists...which is so unfair of me.) So, who to ask? Ted. Ted will go with me.

04-08-01 - Episode 16

I am freaking out right now. I cannot believe Lindsay is thinking about marrying that French fart. It's like our commitment vows to each other meant nothing...but then again, I guess I was the first one to break our vows. Why am I such an idiot? This is all my fault. If I lose her for good, I'm never going to be able to forgive myself. I know she still loves me...I could see it in her eyes last night. If Guillaume hadn't walked in, I think she would have let me kiss her. I never thought I'd say this, but I think I found someone I hate more than Brian Kinney. Wow. It's like I'm a lesbian Alice in Wonderland...things change so fast around here. I'm actually not hating Brian at the moment...he's almost being a mensch lately...relatively speaking anyway.

If I do get another chance with Lindz, I swear on my life that I will never risk our relationship for anything again.

04-15-01 - Episode 17

Brian Kinney IS human after all. I never thought I'd say it, but he is! I'm finally going to be a legal MOMMY! I'm still sort of overwhelmed. I'm just so happy. I guess I feel like all those Who's in Whoville felt when the Grinch returned Christmas or like Elizabeth Taylor felt when she won the race in National Velvet or like Luke Skywalker felt when he blew up the Death Star. To put it more succinctly: I feel REALLY good.

6 p.m.
Lindsay and Gus are in the other room...suppertime. I was napping. Didn't get a lot of sleep last night thanks to one of the best nights of love-making Lindsay and I ever had... not to mention Gus's three a.m. wake up scream. (Perhaps one of the sweetest sounds I ever heard after these weeks of silence!) When I woke up this morning Lindsay was in the other room with Gus, and I immediately started wondering whether I dreamed everything that happened...that maybe I was still alone...but then I looked around at our room, and I just felt so damned happy. Lindsay, Gus and I are back together and we will NEVER BE APART AGAIN.

04-22-01 - Episode 18

Just got off the phone with Ted. He told me about how he kicked Blake out of his apartment 'cause he suspected him of stealing his wallet. This on top of something that's going on between David and Michael. Michael seemed so cagey the other day. God it's probably another Brian-debacle. Just when things calm down. Geez, they accuse lesbians of being dramatic. Gay boys are twice as dramatic if you ask me...they just do their drama quicker than we do. They're like "ER"... we're like "The Iceman Cometh"...but with girls...set in P-town.

04-29-01 - Episode 19

Man, if ever I was glad I wasn't born a WASP it was at Brian's house. The Kinneys are the most disturbing family I've ever seen. They were all so cold and out of touch with their feelings. Except for Claire who wouldn't shut the hell up with her crying. I swear that woman must have more water in her than Lake Erie. At one point I heard one of her aunts say that she was going to smack Claire if she didn't stop. Then again, maybe she was just over-compensating for the dearth of emotion in the rest of the Kinney clan. They were straight out of a John Cheever short story. Repressed, emotionless, distant, with a seething anger underneath. Is it any wonder why Brian's the way he is? Actually, in comparison, Brian's a lot better than that mother of his. She made dry ice look cuddly. You'd never have known that she was the widow in the room. She looked more like she lost a handbag rather than a husband. Actually she'd probably miss a handbag more. I will never complain about my overly dramatic relatives again.

06-10-01 - Episode 20

Just left Debbie's and Vic's house. Vic could really be in deep trouble. I believe him when he says he was set up. Some other people might have lied, but Vic's brazen enough that he'd admit it if he ever was caught choking-the-chicken in public. Unfortunately, his prior conviction for drug possession's going to be a rough one to get past. Funny, I hate that this happened, but it makes me wonder about my contract work. Why can't I be practicing law that really means something? Defending people like Vic from this abuse by the police...or fighting for queer rights, or women's rights... I think if I had to do it over again, I would be a public defender or work for an organization like Lambda Legal Defense or GLAAD or something. Unfortunately, they wouldn't pay as much as what I make doing this corporate crap. But it would mean so much more at the end of the day. God, I hope I can help Vic get off. I guess I can only do my best. Maybe I'll call Professor Connelly from law school and see if she has any advice on this. I remember her lecturing on something like this during first year.

06-17-01 - Episode 21

Vic got off scot-free! Not even a ticket. I feel totally like Super Lawyer! I'm tempted to look more deeply into that cop's arrest record, and check to see how many people he's entrapped since he got to Pittsburgh. But I guess I should just let it alone for now. I've been sort of neglectful of Lindsay and Gus while I've been dealing with all this. Lindsay hasn't complained, but I'd better spend some quality time with them over the next couple of weekends.

Blake started work this week. He was great the first day, really ambitious and energetic. Such a sweet kid. Unfortunately, he was really sort of spacey yesterday. One of the partners got really pissed when Blake forgot to finish typing up notes for a case. He seemed to completely forget what he was doing. I know this is his first big job, but he better shape up fast or he won't have a chance in hell of keeping this job.

Brian's birthday coming up. Meeting with the guys later to plan something fun...since he's acting like such a queen about exiting his 20s. I suggested hiring a sky writer to fly over Pittsburgh and type "Brian Kinney is now 30!" But Ted called about it and it's a little too expensive. Lindsay's worried Brian may not have a sense of humor about it. But I think he's starting to lighten up.

06-24-01 - Episode 22

9:30 a.m. Beautiful Friday evening. Having a cup of coffee at a cafe while Lindsay is drawing Gus at home. Lindz said I was making her nervous staring over her shoulder. Artists are such babies.

I hate to say it, but I'm glad Brian's not moving to NYC. He's still a self-centered SOB, but I'm definitely starting to like the guy. I still can't imagine him without Michael living here. I wonder if Michael will be happy in Portland. Nice town - from what I can remember. Lots of rain though. Might be nice to go out and visit when Gus gets a little older. I know some women who moved out there after college. In fact, I think that park ranger I dated works out at Mt. Rainier - Evylynn or Joceylin (Something like that.). Maybe she could get us a discount on a lodge or something. Be great to do some hiking and stuff. Oh wait, Mt. Rainier is in Washington...damn! Oh well, still be nice to go visit!

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дневник Дебби с сайта шоутайм

Дебби - Diary

01-07-01 - Episode 5

Dear Diary:

Jennifer, Justin's mom came into my Diner last night. She was still wearing the "What-Did-I-Do-Wrong-To-Make-My-Son-Gay" look on her face. Gave her the ol' PFLAG-pep talk. I think she'll be fine. Funny, you'd think someone as classy and educated as that would have an easier time than a downtown gal like me. And that son of hers? All that private school and he doesn't hold a candle to my Michael. But, I have to remember, Michael is exceptional, so I really can't compare.

Sometimes I wish I could be more like her -- like Jennifer...all pretty and glamorous and crap-like-that. I wonder if Michael wishes I was? I could have been too, if life didn't hand me the pile o' poop it did, and I had what it takes to be a lady of leisure. If I had time to go to a gym, or the money to get my hair done like hers (had to run close to a hundred bucks!), or had a husband who stayed around.

WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING? IF, IF, IF! Bunch o' hooey! Self-pity is for losers!

Face it, if I wasn't the way I was than Vic wouldn't have had a sister to support him, and Michael wouldn't have been born and ... Damn it, I am just fine-and-dandy the way I am. (Just ate a lemon bar and feel much better.) But, I sure wouldn't mind finding our where Jennifer gets her hair done. I could use a new Doo for my birthday. OOPS, an early bird jus' came in. See ya later Diary! Schmooch!

01-21-01 - Episode 6

Dear Diary:

Ran into Jennifer at the art show at the Gay and Lesbian Community Center. "Sunshine" had some drawings in it. Talented little brat, I must say. Jennifer asked about Brian in relation to Justin. I told her the truth about Brian. Next thing I know she's storming out of the center. Hope I didn't make things worse for her. She clearly hasn't adjusted to all this. Guess she's just a mother concerned for her son...trying to make sure he doesn't get hurt. I guess every mother wants to protect her child from pain ... can't blame her for that. Wish I could protect Mikey from heartbreak. But I can't. Couldn't protect myself, and can't protect him. That's as much a part of life as the joy - don't I know it? And thank God for it. People always try to struggle against it, but it's like struggling against growing old. Can't do it. When you love someone, it ultimately will hurt - at least at some point. No one even has to be at fault. It just happens. Either they leave you, or you leave them, or they die, or the love just stops. One way or another love does go away, but at least it's there for a while. It's only easy to see this in hindsight. When love first goes it's sort of hard to accept it was ever "True Love" love at all. ("True Love" is a bunch of bunk - it's all love.) People seem so intent on diminishing love just because it ends. But that's cheating themselves out of the memory. Everything ends. And that's why you have to cherish it while it's there. Just because Vic may die before his time doesn't diminish how much I enjoy being with him now. In fact, I'm glad I know so I can make sure to take advantage of the time. When I think of it - now anyway -- I'm glad for everyone I ever loved ... even the few stupid assholes who left me. And I'm not sorry I was fooled into believing the love would never end. Hell! Good for romantic fools! Guess that's why I don't try and stop people from falling in love ... even with jerks. It's all a lesson.

01-28-01 - Episode 07

Dear Diary:

Okay, the candles I lit at the Vatican have finally paid off BIG TIME! Michael met a DOCTOR - and a gorgeous one at that! His name is David, and he's completely rich and completely in love with Michael! (As if anyone in their right mind wouldn't be?) So, okay ... I'm praying now ... Dear St. Anne or St. Theresa or St. Whatchamacallit (The one I prayed to in Vatican City?) -- or whoever-the-hell-did-this -- thank you! And I promise to light another candle to you -- make it 10 candles -- hell: make it a friggin' bon fire! Just please make sure Michael doesn't screw this up! He's not real smart when it comes to relationships, and he might get cold feet, or let his old feelings get in the way ... so please knock some sense into him and keep Brian out of the way. (I'm not asking for anything to harm Brian...just keep him out of Michael and David's hair until they start to bond. Okay?) Thank you again, and send my best to all the other Saints and Martyrs and whoever.

P.S. Not to be greedy, but could you do something about tips? The queens have been real stingy lately.

02-04-01 - Episode 8

Dear Diary:

Feeling better...guess Vic and Mikey were right about me taking time off. But it was boring as hell. The big news....Michael made manager!!! If Mikey keeps this up he'll be owning one of those Big Q's someday, and then I'd get to retire. Come to think of it ... hell with that. I hope I never retire. What would I do if I didn't have to work at the Liberty Diner? Probably hang out there all day...or maybe I'd finally go to Beauty School and open my own shop. I bet I could get a huge clientele just from the Drag Queens I know from the Diner. Gosh knows some of them need a makeover in a big way. Maybe I could do a combination diner/beauty salon! Have specials like: "Meatloaf and a Makeover" or "Early Bird Bouffant." Then again...maybe not...people already complain about the hair in their food. Ah well, I guess I can dream. Oh yeah, one thing's bothering me...David wasn't at the Diner last night for the celebration! What the hell is up with that? Mikey didn't say anything. Hope everything's all right. I swear I'll kill Mikey if he screws this up...no, I'll kill Brian!

02-11-01 - Episode 09

Dear Diary:

Vic feeling sick. But I think it's just a little cold - everyone has been catching it lately.

Talked to Michael this afternoon. He sounded upset, but refused to talk about it - the little jerk. I think something happened at that dinner with David. I'll see him later tonight and hound him until he spills it.

Something really exciting happened this afternoon; I saw the drag queen Lady Constance on JERRY SPRINGER!! I remember her saying she had gotten a settlement on a botched sex change operation and was gonna move out West to open a bar in Salt Lake. Well, it seems she met this radical, fundamentalist Mormon guy and fell in love. Of course (being a guy) he forgot to tell her he already had three wives - all biological women. Anyway, they all came on the show so he could dump Lady Constance in front of them and about a million people. (Bunch of Scum balls.) It was so sad 'cause the audience was booing Lady Constance and she was crying real hard and it made her look like Alice Cooper ... and the three wives all sat there looking all prim and clean like bars of brand new Ivory soap. Then the first wife, this fat, pale little sausage of a woman, called Lady Constance an "abomination" So Constance called her "a pig-faced Mormon slut with an IQ of a white turd who couldn't satisfy a man if she had three vaginas." (You go Constance!!) Then Lady Constance grabbed one of the Mormon wife's braids and landed a right hook ...but the bodyguards pulled her off before she did any real damage. Unfortunately, I don't know how it ended because Vic started coughing really bad and I needed to run out to the store and get some cough medicine. I'll have to look up Lady Constance's phone number on information.

02-18-01 - Episode 10

Dear Diary:

So, Sunshine moved in the other day. Michael - jealous of course - asked me if I thought I was opening up some sort of runaway shelter. Funny, but I think I would like to open something like that someday... sort of a place for gay runaways to stay and get counseling. I don't think there's anything really like that in Pittsburgh. I'd call it "Liberty House" - wait, isn't that the name of a department store somewhere? Maybe "Liberty Avenue House" - that's nice. Then when kids like Justin have to leave home, they'd have a safe place to find themselves with no judgments, access to counseling, safe sex instruction, and maybe a school. So many queer kids end up out on the street, all messed up with drugs, prostitution, and rape... I can't stand it. Something has to be done. They probably don't go to regular shelters cause they're afraid of getting beat up. I wonder how people get money to start something like that? Probably have to be rich. Maybe I should volunteer at a runaway shelter in my free time to check it out. Free time? Vic and Michael will kill me if I work any more than I do. Maybe I'll wait a few months until things slow down and then volunteer. It's a cool idea... start my own version of Boy's Town... Queer Boy's Town?... except with lesbian's too (Dyke Town), and transgendered people (Drag Town), and bisexuals, and questionings (Can't Decide Town)... maybe just call it Queer Kid's Town. Look at me, I'm a fag-hag Father Flanagan!

02-25-01 - Episode 11

Dear Diary:

Michael's moving in with David, Thank God. Actually, thank Brian (never thought I'd say that - or write it for that matter). I hope Sunshine isn't going to need Brian-de-programming later when he wants a real relationship - then again Sunshine is stronger than Michael. (I hope.) He's also smart, sometimes a little too smart for his own good, and a little bratty and manipulative. But, life will teach 'em a few lessons and he'll be just fine. Speaking of lessons... this other kid came into the diner the other day, must've been 14... maybe 15 max. Said he was 18, of course. He was looking for work. Real effeminate kid... Bad skin, thin, small as a parakeet... probably took a lot of kidding at school. Said he was from Baltimore, but he had this thick southern accent. Probably from Georgia or the Carolinas or something - maybe he's trying to recreate himself, I dunno. (I once told someone I was part Indonesian and my mother was Yma Sumac.) His eyes were all glassy, and his conversation kept going all over the place. Drugs? Hope not. Told me he ran away from home when he was 12... abuse from his father, who used to call him the "spawn of Satan" (or some crap like that). Then he tells me his Dad threw him out because he had tested positive! The SOB - I'd like to strangle parents like that! Anyway, I told the boss we could use another bus boy, so Corey - that's the kids name - is gonna work the nights that Sunshine is off until he can get the bus fare to go down to Miami. I put him in touch with a local gay-friendly shelter, and the HIV clinic. Wish I had more room in the house. This kid rips my heart out.

03-04-01 - Episode 12

Dear Diary:

Slow day at the diner. Must be the weather. Gosh, Pittsburgh can be gloomy in the rain. Brings out the ghosts of all those coal miners and oilmen. Only excitement around here is that Justin has a little stalker following him around the diner... nothing dramatic, just some young fella with a bad blonde dye job keeps showing up with gifts - mostly those tacky joke gifts, like edible underwear. Poor guy. He doesn't have a chance in Hades. I should put a sign on Justin's back: "Don't bother. Gone fishing... for Brian." Corey, the other bus boy, said he finally found a place to stay that doesn't ask for a deposit. (He ran away to Pittsburgh with only 13 dollars and change!) He also said his counselor was encouraging him to call his folks... but he doesn't want to. I can understand. It must hurt like hell when a queer kid - especially one with AIDS - gets kicked out by the people who should love him the most.

Saw Michael and Brian talking... friends again, I guess. I swear if that asshole messes up Michael's relationship with Dave again I'll rip his pretty head off and make it into meatloaf... which I'll only serve to unattractive men. (That'll show him.)

STOP THE CLOCK!

Miracle happened today: A straight guy came into the diner... ex-hippie guy works for a natural food company... CUTE! And he flirted with me! He had a wife of course... but it was nice to have a fella hit on me for a change. Been a while. Usually the only thing a guy asks for in this place is directions to the nearest gay bar.

03-11-01 - Episode 13

Dear Diary:

I'm sitting here taking a break from workin' my shift at the diner and Justin just told me the news. Emmett's gone straight! I keep switching from anger towards the damn stupid "See-The-Light" freaks, and laughing at the thought of Emmett as a straight guy. Man-o-man, not since Liberace has there been a "straight" guy like that! When I told Vic about it a minute ago, he laughed so hard he started having a coughing fit and hung up the phone. Sorta scared me for a moment. (At least he would have died with a smile on his face.) He called back and said he was okay, and then said that maybe Emmett could open a clothing store for his kind called "In the Closet," specializing in re-teaching these religious brain-washed losers how to dress like "straight guys" again - meaning badly and boring. Vic kills me! He always keeps his sense of humor. I think I get more worked up about this stuff than he does. He also suggested we could easily de-program Emmett by locking him in the bathroom with a copy of Honcho and play a loop of Barbra Streisand's first The Broadway Album over and over again until he screams "Mary!" (Hell, that would turn John Wayne queer.)

3 p.m.
Lunch is finally over. Got totally slammed. Must be a convention in town. Damn, my dogs are killing me again. I really should get a pair of those ugly orthopedic shoes that Elaine wears over at the Howard Johnson's. Damn ugly though. (The shoes, not Elaine.) Why can't they make orthos more fashionable? Or at least make 'em in purple or aqua or with a glitter surface or something. I shoulda been a shoe designer! (Check that off in the "dreams unfulfilled" column.) I guess I could paint a pair myself. Hmmm? Not a bad idea. Use acrylic paint, and some spray glitter. Could be real nice.

03-18-01 - Episode 14

Dear Diary:

All the queer boys are talking about is the Leather Ball next week. It's like Christmas meets Mardi Gras around here. There was this one little queen who was so excited 'cause he found an off-the-rack harness that would fit him. I bet he'll look like Barney Fife meets Gladiator. But who the hell cares! That's what makes this party so fun. No judgements. I'm tempted to ask Vic if he wants to put on the old chaps and go cut-the-rug for a few hours. I know he'll just say "I've done my days in the sling... leave that to the younger set." But maybe I'll just force him...put on the ol' Dominatrix outfit. I could use some fun. Michael's been pissing me off so much, I can hardly look at him these days. He's just bound and determined to chase David away. I mean, David's not perfect, but geez, everybody's got problems. He's still a helluva lot better than Brian and his little-boy-who's-afraid-to-commit-routine.

04-01-01 - Episode 15

Dear Diary:

Man, it's been busy around here. The Leather Ball always brings everyone out. Tips have been great! I might splurge this week and get my wig done by a professional. Or maybe buy Vic something special? Brian was just in with little Gus...damn beautiful baby. Say what you want about Brian, but the guy's got good genes. Unfortunately, he just found out that his dad is dying. Poor bastard. I told Brian he should talk to his dad, tell him everything...tell him he's gay. I doubt he'll do it. Jack Kinney isn't an easy one to talk to. Man, I remember when the boys were 14 and had skipped school and gotten drunk, and I went over to talk to Jack about what we should do about it...to make sure we were on the same wavelength in how we talked to them about drinking and stuff. But by the time I got there, Jack was three sheets to the wind, clutching a bottle of bourbon, and hollering bloody murder at his poor wife. I nearly called 911. Still, I feel sad for the poor guy. He's certainly someone who's been trapped by his own limits. Must be even harder to die when you've let your life be wasted away by drinking.

1 a.m.
Finally past the dinner crunch. Totally a mess tonight. How the hell does a restaurant run out of hamburger buns? Chef must be fighting with his boyfriend again.

Other news...it seems Mikey and David had a nice weekend with Hank, David's boy. Never thought I'd be a grandma but seeing Brian and his baby made me want to see another little Mikey running around. I don't see why they shouldn't have a kid. David's got nothing else to do with all that money...although, I sure wouldn't mind him buying his mother-in-law and uncle-in-law a nice cruise to Aruba! Boy, could I use that.

04-08-01 - Episode 16

Dear Diary:

Just brought Sunshine some milk and cookies. He wasn't even hungry. Poor kid looks so sad. He's hurting bad about that damn teacher blocking The Gay Straight Student Alliance. I swear, if I didn't think it would have screwed Justin more, I would have kicked that bastard teacher right in his homophobic balls! Sometimes, when you live around open-minded people, you forget how many bigots there are still out there. I've got to figure out a way to help Sunshine get this Alliance started...but, I don't want to be too pushy...at least not so it's obvious. I bet I could organize a protest with the gang from PFLAG...but I only want to do it if Sunshine wants it. He's being brave, and I want it all to start with him...that way, it'll make him even stronger, knowing he can figure out these things for himself. I'll just offer suggestions, and if he decides to take some action...I'll just help him make it splashier. Maybe we can chain ourselves to something? Have a sit-in in the cafeteria...or on that crappy teacher's head.

Michael's been in Paris for nearly 4 days. He hasn't called yet. He's probably too busy being romantic and seeing all the art and Eiffel Tower and stuff. I'll probably get a card in a few days. I wonder how long it takes for a post card to come all the way from France? About a week, I guess. I'll kill the little nudge if he forgets. I sure wish I had been able to buy him trips to Europe when he was little but I guess I did the best I could, considering.

04-15-01 - Episode 17

Dear Diary:

Diane (The Senator) and I are meeting on Friday to get our nails done. She's such a character. Turns out her 2nd cousin was in burlesque with Aunt Faye...did some act with pigeons...or maybe it was doves...whatever she did she ended up having to quit cuz of some fungus or virus or something she caught from all the bird crap. Poor thing. Diane told me she thought I should go into politics...but I said liked it better on the front lines.

Sorta good news...Sunshine got into Dartmouth. The only thing is he doesn't want to go there. Seems it's a pretty stuffy school where his Dad would make him study business. You can bet that was his father's idea, not his. Sunshine should study business about as much as I should be studying to become a rocket scientist or a wrestler. I told him he should follow his dreams. Otherwise he'll just curse his life...like I do sometimes. Like on rainy days like today. How would have things been different if I actually had become a beautician? I guess I'd have more money, and maybe have my own shop by now. Maybe I would have had my nights free and would have met another fella and gotten married...maybe I'd have had more kids. Maybe...wait! Hold up! Where you going with this, Deb ol' girl? Damn, I hate when I get like this...whiny rainy day talk! Crap, is what it really is. The fact is I could have become a beautician and instead of things working out, I could have sucked, burned some old lady's hair who could've had me fired, and then I would have gotten so depressed. I could have been living on the street with nothing but my clothes and curling iron. And I wouldn't have had Michael (the joy of my life!) Nope, can't think that way. But still, Sunshine needs to follow his dreams...his art. It may not make him rich, but an artist is never poor.

04-22-01 - Episode 18

Dear Diary:

Nothing on the tube tonight. Just crap. I gotta get the cable working again. Then again maybe I'm just not in the mood to concentrate. I'm so teed-off at Sunshine. He's screwing up his life, and he won't seem to listen to me. He got into the Art Institute and is blowing it to go to that stupid Dartmouth. (Or is it Dartmuth? Darthmuth? Who the hell knows!) It's just some snooty school that his dad went to. Completely wrong for Sunshine, and I don't mind expressing my opinion on this one. The Art Institute is the perfect place for this kid. He's got talent that is rare in anybody...and not just for a kid his age. Don't he and his parents see that this might be a lost opportunity? Don't they care that their kid might be trapped in a thankless job for the rest of his life? I can see it, why can't they? For gosh sakes if anyone knows about lost opportunities I do. Then again, maybe I'm just thinking about myself...how did that psychologist who comes into the Diner call it when someone forces their own experience onto other people? Projecting? That's it. But I saw Sunshine's face when he said he wasn't going...it was like he was giving a puppy back to the pound. It's just not right. I know the real reason, he's got some stupid idea in his head that he's splitting up his parents. He's too sensitive, like me (Projecting again?)...thinking he's responsible for other people's pain. He's got to understand - and so do I - that we can't control everybody. Okay. Fine. I understand. But I still want to help him follow his dreams...since his folks won't seem to. How can they be so selfish. I'll have another talk with him in the morning. I better try and get some beauty sleep...maybe after Conan.

04-29-01 - Episode 19

Dear Diary:

Late shift at the diner. Really slow. Just a few dieting drag queens, and this male couple in the middle of a fight. They still haven't ordered anything. They're bickering about one borrowing the other one's favorite green polo shirt and not respecting limits and the fact that the shorter one was cruising some Latino guy at the Pay n' Save. Yeesh, why the hell am I listening to this crap? I hate it when it's this slow! Someone shoot me now.

Picked up a little after the bars closed. One of my regulars, Cubby (hot stud, great arms), gave me a great tip on a cup of French Onion. Think he was on a first date with this sexy little Portuguese number. Have to remember to give him extra fries or something when he comes in again.

Brian's mom must feel so alone. I know they didn't have a great relationship, but sometimes you even miss bad relationships. God knows I've missed Michael's son-of-a-bitch father for long enough. I wonder if Michael thinks about who his dad was? He never really talks about it with me, but he's got to wonder - especially with what just happened with Brian. I wonder if he feels like he's lost something?

Damn. Here comes those late-night diner blues again. Got to perk up, before I start to sour the milk around here. Who knows? Maybe I won't be alone for the rest of my life...maybe some day I'll meet a guy again. Sure. It's not impossible. Maybe, a busload of eligible straight men from Philadelphia will be on a trip up to Canada and their bus will breakdown right outside the diner. They'll come into the diner. I'll serve them all meatloaf and lemon bars, and they'll all fall in love with me. Six will propose. Of course, I'll fall for the seventh who doesn't propose, become obsessed, he'll turn out to be gay, and I'll spend the rest of my life whining about the six that got away. Jesus! Debbie! Cheer the hell up!

06-10-01 - Episode 20

Dear Diary:

Vic is still in shock from jail last night. He's got a fever too. I could kill that son of a bitch that arrested him. I hate that he has to go through all this. There are real criminals running all over Pittsburgh and they have to harass gay men for taking a leak in a public restroom! I can't think any more. I better just go make some soup for Vic and then try to get some rest myself.

Vic barely ate anything! I know he's going to get sick because of this. I called Michael, but he wasn't home. At times like these, I wish I had a husband or a boyfriend or someone that I knew would be where I wanted them to be. (Not that they ever would - when you think of my past record with men - but it's nice to dream.) The one thing I know is that I've grown to depend on Michael and Vic too much. I'm pathetic without them. What am I going to do when they're gone? From now on, I've got to learn to depend on myself. I've got to be more emotionally self-sufficient.

I think I just heard Justin come in!

06-17-01 - Episode 21

Dear Diary:

I'm so damn proud of Vic! Standing up for himself like that. And Melanie! God love that lesbian! Damn good lawyer. She kicked that cop's ass, that's for damn sure. I'll bet that son-of-a-bitch doesn't try and screw with the queer community again any time soon.

I've spent the last hour crying in my room. Michael just told me he's moving to Portland with David. I know David's good for him, but I still can't help feeling sick about him going so far away. I guess I knew this would happen someday...actually, I thought he'd split for S.F. or NYC a lot sooner. But Portland? It seems too far... I can't show Michael I'm upset about it, or he'll change his mind. He's always trying to please everyone. I've got to cut the strings, or think about relocating myself.

06-24-01 - Episode 22

Dear Diary:

Michael's gone to the airport. Justin's just left for the prom. I feel like a million years old. Damn, I've got to get out of this funk. It's not like they died. Justin will be back later, and Michael is just a phone call away. Still, I feel like I've lost both of my little boys. The other day, I was talking to Mysterious Marilyn about Portland. She once lived there while traveling with a caravan of psychic drag queens. She says it's real nice, lots of queer bars, but a little too much nature for her taste. (Then again a terrarium is a little too much nature for Marilyn's taste.) Hmm? That was pretty funny. Maybe I should become a stand up comedienne in my old age. Might as well since I'm practically childless now. I guess I'll see if anything is on cable and maybe whip up some lemon bars for Justin when he gets home.

---

дневник Линдси с сайта шоутайм

Линдси - Journal

01-07-01 - Episode 5

I can't stop staring at Gus. How can I love something this much? He's completely dependent on me and ... how sick is this? ... I want him to be. It almost feels wrong ... to be able to create something so beautiful. I guess as an artist I've always wanted to achieve this ... this kind of creation which - when it comes down to it - isn't physically that hard to start. It's the emotional part that's so hard.

But I guess it's like the first step of making a painting ... having the baby is just stretching the canvas ... how we raise him will be the hard part...the part where we take our paint knives and brushes and slop on the paint, hoping some divine intervention will make it genius. But ... maybe not.

Because, there is no doubt that Gus is perfect. He just needs to survive and he'll be a masterpiece. Oh my god! He just looked at me in this way ... hard to describe - it was like he was flirting with me.

God he already is taking after Brian. He can't just ask for my breast...he has to seduce me into feeding him. He's going to be such a lady-killer ... if he's straight. (God help straight women!)

01-21-01 - Episode 6

The art show at the Center went great. Made nearly five thousand dollars. Felt nice to get out of the house and do something not related to the baby. Sometimes it seems my whole existence has been squished into this tiny box, like my whole reason to live is for diaper duty and milk production. God, that just sounded so horrible...so resentful. It's not that I resent Gus at all - God no. I love him more than anything and would give up everything for him - but it's nice to remind myself that I don't have to exclude other things from my life - that I'm still an artist and a teacher and a woman, and I can still participate in the world which is separate from Melanie and Gus. Is that wrong?

01-28-01 - Episode 07

Had a horrible dream last night about Gus not breathing in his crib. I jumped up out of bed and saw that he was fine. But now I'm so damn tired. Melanie's always telling me to relax...but even though she loves Gus, she doesn't know what it's like to give birth to something. I sense she's getting a little impatient about me not wanting to have sex ... but I just don't feel like it. I read somewhere it takes a long time to get your libido back after having a child. I should find the book and show her the passage... forget it. She'll just say I'm using it to hide something I'm angry about and start blabbering on about us needing therapy again. Why do women like her always try to over-analyze everything? She really irritates me sometimes.

02-04-01 - Episode 8

Had a nightmare last night about losing Gus ... it was awful. Can't remember anything except that there was this storm - really bad, a hurricane or a tornado -- and I was outside, walking Gus in his baby carriage. The sirens went off, sort of indicating it was going to be a real dangerous storm. So I ran home through the storm and finally reached the house. But after I opened the door, I turned around and Gus's carriage was gone. I just started running around insane, screaming for help. Melanie was no where to be found...I finally found Gus's carriage by this rushing river. It was empty. That's when I woke up and found Gus crying. At first I thought maybe he had the same nightmare - like maybe we're still connected that way. But then I noticed he was a little warm. I think he might be getting sick.

02-11-01 - Episode 09

Gus might have said "mama" today... not sure. Can't take my eyes off him. Watched him blow bubbles and sleep for nearly three hours. I can't stop touching him since the hospital, as if as long as I'm there touching him he won't ever be in danger... as long as my eyes and hands are on him it will keep him safe. I'm still feeling a bit scared that I wasn't watching his health closely enough. How much is too much? He's awake right now, his eyes are looking at me and he's smiling. He's definitely better.

Melanie's stomping around about Brian not keeping his side of the bargain. She's really irritating me right now. I can't ever let her know, but part of me didn't want Brian to give up his rights.. .God, I feel so guilty about that. What's wrong with me? I just want him to be part of Gus' life too... why can't all three of us be in this together?

To do list:

* Make mobile for above Gus's crib. (Supplies: String, wood, black and white acrylic paint, thick poster board.)
* Pick up new baby thermometer.
* Return books to library.
* See if they have that Bio on Georgia O'Keeffe.

02-18-01 - Episode 10

Gus - Age: 10 weeks 3 days Weight: 14 lbs.!

I'm getting to stay home with Gus for a whole year! I'm SOOOO in love with Melanie right now. I can't believe she did this for me. All the negative things I've been feeling have suddenly vanished.

Gus rolled over a little while ago and looked at me with this really perplexed expression. As if to say: "Mom, you are the weirdest person in the entire world!" He really is one of the most beautiful babies I have ever seen. And I'm not just saying that. He's physically perfect - I've drawn him at least 100 times in the last week. The other day, a woman in the drug store suggested we get one of those commercial agents in NYC and put him on TV. I think it's too far away to travel, and it's sort of icky when you think about it... exploiting the fact that he's better looking than other babies. Want him to at least start life with some humility.

02-25-01 - Episode 11

Melanie's walking around moping as usual. I can't think about it right now. It's hard enough having one baby to deal with I don't need two. Part of me wants to call Brian - I know he must be lost without Michael, but he really crossed the line. I can't even defend him on this one... but, of course, I want to. I'll e-mail him later.

Gus just started giggling! I swear! It was almost like someone told him a really funny joke and he burst out laughing - sort of laughing. Actually... uh-oh... by the smell of things I think I know what just happened. Time to get busy... I wonder if there's an Olympic diaper changing competition?

03-04-01 - Episode 12

Just got a call from Didi about Zoey and Franny's baby shower... "It's a lesbian baby boom!" she started squealing. "Isn't this amazing how everyone's having a baby, and all our friends are so in love..." I wanted to reach through the phone and shake her. I finally lied about Gus needing to be fed just to get off the phone. I'm so sorry Mel and I agreed to give this baby shower. Acting excited feels so strained. I guess I never counted on feeling so out-of-touch with Mel. I'm not sure if it's because I'm just tired from taking care of Gus and all... or if it's just that I'm not feeling as attracted to her as before. Her constant harping on the "Brian issue" has really begun to irritate me, not to mention that she seems to be drinking way too much... to the point where I'm beginning to wonder if she's having a problem. God! Addiction is so "last year's lesbian issue" - leave it to us to be behind the trend. Mel always wants us to go to counseling... has she ever thought of going herself?! How can we go through with this party? Everyone is looking at us like we're the perfect lesbian couple... what a lie. (Now I know how Anne and Ellen must've felt... no couple is perfect, and it's hard to be stuck with the label of "role model" when you're dealing with a relationship.) The fact is, except for Gus, this family is a mess... a complete mess.

03-11-01 - Episode 13

Melanie left. Most of her clothes are gone. Empty drawers. Closets like caves, like someone died. Never knew such clothing could take up so much space. She left her sweat pants, the ones I've been begging her for years to get rid of --raggedy green with her law school insignia. They're completely frayed at the bottom of the ankles, and she was always fruitlessly trying to locate the end of the pull-string, which inexplicably disappeared into the waistband ...as if it never existed at all. God. I'm in really bad shape! Using a pair of torn up, stained sweat pants as a metaphor for my disintegrated relationship. I can still smell her on them. Maybe it wasn't all her fault. I did spend a little too much time with Gus and not enough with her. Then again, he is our child. What does she expect? I only have so much energy. HELL WITH HER. YES IT IS HER FAULT! She cheated! I didn't. While I was here holding our baby, making sure he was fed and clean and warm, she was going down on that cigarette-smoking, bourgeoise, always-so-witty, fat, ugly cow! I swear if I ever see that bitch out, or even hear one second of that ridiculously low, completely affected, douche-commercial-voice of hers, I will...I will ...I will do something really, REALLY mean to her! (Why can't I think of anything? I really have to learn to be more specific with my anger.) Woke up the baby. Guess he can sense my being upset. Got to find peace, at least for his sake. Won't think about her anymore.

God, I miss her.

03-18-01 - Episode 14

Melanie's with her mom in Florida. It's weird, now she's not even in the same state as me. It all feels more empty...gone. It's like she's saying, "See, I can just go anywhere I want, and you can't. I have wings, you don't."

Going back to work in a couple of weeks, and they're forcing me to go to this stupid teachers' conference. It'll be all inane theory, and straight teachers cruising each other, and bitching about how they're not paid enough. (We're not, but that's not the point. I'm just sick of hearing it.) I'm asking Brian to baby sit...which makes me incredibly nervous. I know he's Gus's father, but he still has the maturity of a gnat. Am I crazy to do this? I know he won't hurt Gus, but what if something (or someone) distracts him. What if the diaper deliveryman ends up being cute? Oh, God, I can picture Brian having it off with Diaper Man in the back of his truck, destroying all of Pittsburgh's diapers, causing a major diaper shortage...and all because I let Brian baby-sit Gus. Maybe this isn't such a good idea. STOP IT! You're being paranoid. Brian loves Gus, and he'll be responsible. Just relax, it's normal new mother anxiety.

04-01-01 - Episode 15

Getting on with my life. Start teaching next week. Gus is getting bigger and bigger...and so damn handsome. Life is pretty hard at the moment. Constantly stressing about money. Budget is so tight. Not sure how to make this single mother thing work without help. I don't want to ask Brian right now, after the crap he pulled last weekend. He's even more irresponsible than I thought. Melanie was right about that. I know he's going through his own "stuff" with his dad dying, but...is it so wrong that I ask him to think about us for a change? Gus should always be his first priority! It's obvious that I can only depend on myself.

I've been wondering how much anyone truly knows about their partner. It's not like I knew Melanie would ever cheat on me, that's for sure. Come to think of it I can't even remember what color underwear she used to wear. Wait, yes I can, white...she always wears white. What about her favorite color. I can't remember. Maybe that was the problem...maybe we really didn't know each other.

04-08-01 - Episode 16

Gui and I need to get married right away. I know Melanie and Brian don't want this...but it's the only way. I can manage at this point and I have to be practical. The fact is it's no one else's decision. I'm on my own now, and I've got to sort this out myself.

2 a.m.
Gus is up...as usual. He is having an especially tough time getting comfortable after I feed him. I miss Mel.

04-15-01 - Episode 17

Monday morning 6 a.m.
Both Melanie and Gus are asleep. Melanie and I had the most amazing night. First we played with Gus who finally got tired out about 9 and fell asleep. Then Mel and I made love for the first time in what seems like forever. It was...I can't describe the feeling ...it definitely felt like it did when we first met. Then she left for a moment and came back with some champagne, fresh strawberries (a cliché, but I still loved it), and this beautiful bouquet of tea roses which she proceeded to pick apart and drop the petals on my body. It was so sweet. Gus, thank god, didn't wake up until we had slept for about 3 hours. Brought him into bed with us...just the three of us asleep together. It was just as it should be...finally! How could I have taken this family for granted? There is so much love here.

Tuesday, 12 noon.
Melanie couldn't stop talking about how she's really misjudged Brian for so long...how she knows now why I love him so much. Is all this really happening?

3 p.m.
Saw Gui at school earlier. He was cleaning out his office. I guess I feel a bit badly about letting him down... but sometimes you have to prioritize...and, unfortunately, someone may get hurt. Maybe I could call Sheila in Portland and see if she wants to marry him. She always said she'd like to have dual citizenship in Europe. Although, no one would ever believe she's straight. She looks like Wayne Newton...during his mustache period.

04-22-01 - Episode 18

Gus was in such a grumpy mood this morning. He's really irritating me. God, I hate feeling that. Change the thought...it's changed. Gus was "challenging" this morning. He is NEVER irritating. He's perfect at the moment, now that he's taking his nap. I finally have time to write in here, as well as make something nice for Mel for dinner. Found some cool recipes in this book on nouvelle Jewish cuisine. It would be cool to learn more about her culture...God knows she's done enough for me. I'm so in-love with her right now, I'm bordering on camp. But I'm sure "issues" will arise again...but this time I'll know we can survive anything.

Just called Brian to see if he wanted to join us for dinner. Said he was busy...still sounds freaked about his father...or rather, as "freaked" as Brian can sound. He holds so much back, it infuriates me. I guess the only thing to do is be there for him because someday his walls are going to fall...hard.

Uh-oh. Gus is up...with a loud wail. Here I come, my loud little Prince Charming!

04-29-01 - Episode 19

Laying on our new mattress. Got it at this great sale. Really comfortable. I feel so toasty right now, underneath the blankets. Gus is asleep in the other room and Melanie is working on some legal briefs. It's just me and my journal and a cup of herbal tea. Things are good here...perfect. I wish they were that way for Brian. I feel so sad for him right now. He can't seem to confront his anger toward his father. If you can't confront it, you can never forgive it. I just wanted to save him from that awful gathering at his mom's house. Is it any wonder why Brian can't maintain relationships. If I grew up in that family, I'd be horrified of love. Maybe that's why Brian loves Mikey so much. He and Debbie are so completely different than the Kinneys. The Novotnys are all about showing their love for each other and confronting emotions...too much sometimes on Debbie's part. But you still have to love her for it. Michael definitely fills the void in Brian. I wonder what would have happened if they ever got together for real? They would either be a perfect fit or destroy each other.

06-10-01 - Episode 20

Spent some time with Gus and Brian this afternoon. Brian was more quiet than usual. Except when I brought up the King of Babylon contest...he nearly took my head off. I think it must be hard watching Justin become the "hot one"...watching himself grow old in a culture that is so age obsessed. Yet another reason I'm glad I'm a lesbian.

Gus gained nearly two pounds since his last visit to the pediatrician. I'm developing muscles I never knew I had. If he keeps this up I'm going to start competitive bodybuilding. God knows this baby eats! He never refuses food. Soon he'll be going from strained peas directly to meat and potatoes. The worst part of all this growing is that his clothes are almost all too small already. I called Laura and Michelle. Their son Jake is about three now, and they said I could look through his baby clothes since they aren't planning on having another kid. If I remember correctly, a lot of Jake's clothes are a little too girly for Gus. I'm sure they'll have something that'll fit my very butch baby boy. Uh-oh, sounds like Gus, the man-eating baby, is hungry again.

06-17-01 - Episode 21

Gus is standing up...with a lot of help of course. Sara and Jana, the lesbian parents from down the block, are always talking about how advanced their 13 month-old is. I think her name is Gosha or Josha. (Some stupid made-up name. I hate pretentious lesbians!) But when I saw her I didn't think she was that far ahead of Gus in development. There's no doubt Gus is much more beautiful than their kid, but I also think he's smarter too. Am I being a conceited parent again? Probably. But I think that's better than thinking everyone else's kid is better than my own. Oh my God! Gus is just staring at me really intensely. I wonder if he senses I was writing about him?

06-24-01 - Episode 22

Melanie's out having some private time while I try to draw Gus. I mean I was trying to draw Gus, he just wouldn't sit still! He's constantly looking around...just like Brian when he's cruising a bar. I'm hoping he gets tired and I'll try again. But, I have to admit I'm a bit rusty. Haven't sketched for so long. It sure isn't like riding a bike. Would be nice if Justin also did a portrait of Gus, maybe I'll ask him. It'll be nice to remember Gus at this age. I guess we have enough photographs, but art work always shows so much more of a person's soul. When I look at drawings that I did of Brian in college and compare them to photos from back then, there's no doubt that the photos don't even come close to showing the real Brian. They look like model shots, with Brian doing his "I'm about to sleep with you" expression. (He never changes) But the drawings I did really show that other aspect of Brian that he never lets out...the hero underneath it all. I saw it in Justin's drawings too. Maybe it takes an artist to really understand Brian. He's not someone that can be absorbed immediately.

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Дневник Эмметта c сайта шоутайм

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Эмметт - Memoir

01-07-01 - Episode 5

I can't believe the fashion faux pas of some of my friends!! Michael for example - has he learned nothing from me? He was ready to go out on a date practically dressed like a Q-Mart version of a medival nun! Doesn't he know: you gotta show some of the meat if you wanna make a sale! Anyway, I saved the day and did a complete makeover! After he left I watched some new porn - or rather some old porn from the 70s. A triple feature "Anvil 8", "Tool and Die3" and "Muscle Truckers 1" - I gather this wasn't very popular since there was only one in the series.

After my date with Rosy Palm and her five sisters, I watched a fabulous Gilligan's Island rerun. (Mary Anne got amnesia and thought she was Ginger.) Later I started watching more porn, but started thinking about the titles: Anvil? Tool and Die? Truckers? Why is it gay porn subjects always seem to deal with career choices gay men rarely make?

More self - hate I assume. Why shouldn't we eroticize our most popular queer professions? Like "Graphic Design Studs 3" or "Hairdresser Hunks 8" or "Entertainment Lawyers in Lust 7" or "Dirty Art Director 4." Then again I could do one based on my own experience "Retail Slut: Dressing Room Domination 12" Oh well, I'm clearly before my time.

Emmett's Good-bye E-Mail to Katsuo

Dear Katsuo: I know you won't understand this, since you haven't taken the time to learn English - not to mention manners. But I figure someday you may trick-out with a Berlitz teacher and be able to read this. Anyway it doesn't really matter since I'm writing this for me. (Debbie says it will be therapeutic.) What you did to me was horribly unkind and wrong ... not to mention tacky.

I know it may be your "profession," but your imitation of love is far too realistic. I finally understand how Nealy O'Hara (as stunningly portrayed by Patty Duke) felt in Valley of the Dolls when she discovered that bastard husband of hers in the pool with that Hollywood floozy. Or how Maria Callas must've felt when Aristotle Onasis took up with Jackie Kennedy ... but, believe me, that guy you were with was NO JACKIE KENNEDY! Perhaps I was being naïve.

But you should at least carry English language business cards! My hand is practically shaking right now, but that could be the caffeine or perhaps a petit mal seizure brought on by a brain tumor YOU CAUSED by your selfishness! Anyway, by the time you read this I'll have moved on and be completely over you! And when you wake-up and realize what you've lost and how much you truly loved me don't even think about crawling back to me. I won't be waiting. You will mean nothing to me! N-O-T-H-I-N-G! (Look it up!) So, goodbye, arrivaderci, bon voyage, sionara (How do you spell this?), no hard feelings, and I wish you all the luck in the world.

Yours, Emmett

P.S. Please return my aqua Raymond Dragon, sleeveless-t shirt! I only gave it to you because I thought you were falling in love with me. You weren't, so you can't have it. Leave it on my doorstep -- AFTER you wash it. By hand, cold water, Woolite. And if you stretch it out I swear you'll be on your back so fast and not for money making purposes!

(After re-reading this e-mail around 17 times Emmett opted not to send it, but instead went on an online-spending spree, purchasing three identical pair of Prada slip-ons and some rather embarrassing underwear from the International Male online catalogue)

01-21-01 - Episode 6

Why are there so many desperate people in the queer world? Went to Date Bait the other night with Ted. What a mistake! Desperation is definitely last year's accessory. If Ted thinks these forced, phony, holier-than-thou, events to meet men are any better than the queer clubs, he's going to be horribly disappointed. The ONLY difference is one has the advantage of lower quality competition - meaning less attractive guys can finally get noticed since there aren't any Brian Kinneys around making everyone else look like trolls. A shallow fact, but horribly true. I know when I'm determined to score I make sure I'm at least 150 feet away from anyone better looking than me - and at least 275 feet away from Brian. The truth is Einstein probably discovered the theory of relativity while cruising a Berlin gay bar - If you stand next to Hunky Hans you have a much less chance of getting picked up than if you stand next to Ditmar the Dog-Faced Boy. Elementary Queer Physics 101. Why spit in the face of science?

I think Ted has realized he is going to have to accept that he's as shallow and vain as the rest of us. Date Bait = Dog Bait. It seems Mister Choir Director's baton just couldn't get Ted's attention - nor could his fashion sense for that matter. Where did that guy shop? Mister Roger's Neighborhood? But, good ol' Teddy's come home to the warmth and rejection of the bars. Hopefully, he now realizes that the only people that choose a partner based on their "inner beauty" or "common interests" are either women or the blind. And I'm not so sure about the blind.

01-28-01 - Episode 07

Drama last night at Babylon - as if it would be a typical night there without it. David, (Michael's hot Doctor-boyfriend) came to the club dressed all fabulous - i.e. Hunky and Trashy (just like I like 'em!), and then started dancing with ... guess who? (Betcha couldn't guess - Why am I talking to myself in my journal?) ... Brian! You could almost hear a gasp from the entire room - okay maybe just from Ted, Michael and I, but still... We all thought Brian had stolen yet another one of Michael's boyfriends. I swore Michael was gonna go all "Jerry Springer" on Brian, but he didn't - unfortunately. (Where's his spine?) I guess it's probably for the best. It turns out David was just "talking" to Brian - no one knows what they said. (This, of course, is killing me. I hate being out of the good-gossip-loop.) Oh, well. I imagine David was just trying to make friends with Brian, since the big jerk's obviously (God knows why!) important to Michael. However, one of these days, Brian's going to go just one step too far and scam on one of MY gentleman-callers, and I promise, if that day comes, Mister Pretty-Boy Kinney's gonna be pulling one of my 300-dollar-a-pair Hugo Boss slip-ons out from where-the-sun-don't-shine. (And that is a promise!) Oops! Nearly 7! Time to close-up and get my hair cut! Hope that Brazilian guy is washing hair today! (Yum!) God I've been awfully parenthetical today! (Must be the moon.)

02-04-01 - Episode 8

Online last night with my new screen name, Pitts9x6 - funny how everything changes with a name and a profile that includes the word "Top" and initials "VGL". At one point I had to put a block on all the IMs that were coming in at a rate of 1 every three seconds. Came across Ted, who also was using a new screen name: NiceguyPA! I knew right away that it was him from the bland name. Poor thing has no idea how to attract guys. Just to rib him I asked him if the PA stood for a Prince Albert ... I swear I could hear him flush through the modem. But the saddest part was when he sent me his X pic. Pitiful...Has he no shame? Has he no dignity? Has he never heard of airbrushing? Anyway, this almost sent me back to watching the Golden Girls until I opened a gif and it was a picture of Brian Kinney! Me getting to play with Brian on line? IT WAS THE OPPORTUNITY OF A LIFETIME! I wanted to see how far Brian goes when he's online...so I started asking him the usual list: Do you like JO? "Yes." BJ? "Yes" 69? "One of my favorites." SM/BD? "You bet!" (At this point my fingers started sweating, and I thought I might short-circuit my keyboard.) Uh do you like ff? "Yes! Top and Bottom!" (This was too good to be true!) ws? "Got the yellow hanky in my right hand pocket as we speak." I swear I was ready to post the chat on the bulletin board of Babylon! Brian Kinney is a raunch freak! That is until....He started talking about his interest in meeting a "life partner who shared his interests in raunchy sex as well as having a committed relationship." Brian Kinney interested in a "life partner?" It was obviously an imposter! I was furious. Using Brian's picture! I felt raped! I can't stand online-phonies! (This, of course, does not include myself who is merely doing it for sociological reasons.) I would have reported him to the authorities (Whoever that may be under these circumstances), but then I thought...heck, he's using Brian's photo - not like he's hurting an innocent person. So, I told him that my "police officer boyfriend" had come home and I had to get offline...but, before I logged off I referred him to a really hot Top that would be into everything he liked -- with a PA -- plus want a long term relationship...(he-he)...Ted will never be the same once he sees the photo.

02-11-01 - Episode 09

Being Butch is TOO MUCH WORK! Now I know why I've been Nelly so long, it's EASIER! Met a fabulous Italian guy in the Frozen foods section at the Grocery store last night, nearly melted an entire glacier of Lima Beans. Name was "Vinny" - couldn't you die?! Ran into him again in the parking lot and we had quick, sleazy sex in the car; 8 minutes of unbridled bliss! Of course, as soon as we finished he told me he had a boyfriend and felt terribly guilty. (All men are assholes!) The worst part is when I got home I realized we must've switched bags and now I'm stuck with four pounds of lamb sausage (which I hate) a can of almonds (To which I'm allergic) and various ingredients for what I suppose was a lasagna dinner. Well, I hope Vinnie and Mrs. Vinnie enjoy my 7 Light n' Lively dinners for one, my large tube of K-Y (the classic lube) and the condom wrapper I tossed in the bag so as not to be a litterbug.

02-18-01 - Episode 10

I've got to get the hell out of Pittsburgh. My REAL people are in NYC... it's exciting. It's alive. People understand the importance of fashion, and OH THE BOYS. I could feel the very concrete of the pavement calling me... or maybe that was the new pair of faux Prada slip-ons I bought on the street in the Village for only 25 dollars! It was so AMAZING! We only had a few hours but we walked all over Chelsea - which is basically a storage area for New York's HOTTEST MEN... then we walked down through the Village. Mostly older queers and breeder transplants live here now. The area is much prettier than Chelsea despite the fact that Chelsea is where the bulk of the beefy boys hang out. Queer men are like worker bees, we find the areas that need fixing up, move in, make 'em look fab, and then relocate leaving them for the Hets. The Discovery Channel should do something about this phenomenon. Went to the Stonewall Inn - Mikey got all excited by the history of it all. He's SO adorable when he gets all gay and proud. So we went in. Next thing you know I run into Bruno! My old crush from that summer I spent in P-town when I was 21. I remember the first time I saw him. He was working at the Boatslip, bartending. People used to surround him like flies on a sloppy bottle of Aunt Jemima. He was - without question - the most beautiful man that had ever existed. Italian, of course, with this perfect body... swimmer's build, a dusting of hair on his chest. His eyes - incredible - this golden brown... and his lips! So luscious! He used to bite them when he wasn't talking, as if he wanted to stop them from flying off his face to kiss you. I used up about a dozen boxes of Kleenex on that one - and it wasn't for crying. Anyway, there he was -- eight years later -- calling my name... only I didn't recognize him. It wasn't just because he was older -- he also looked haggard and his skin was grey and he wasn't beautiful at all anymore. It made me so sad. I guess he had the same personality... but now it seemed dull and somewhat odd. After we left, Ted said it was probably due to drugs or alcohol or both, or maybe something really sad happened to him. People change, I guess. But do we have to change like that?

02-25-01 - Episode 11

48 hours and 11 minutes since I stopped having sex with men - feel fine, but a little tense.

I've gotten hit on 3 times since yesterday. I suppose God is testing me, putting stunning men in my path all day. This is going to be hard, but I will keep my promise no matter what it takes. I'm a walking miracle! I'm alive and healthy! Not hunting for sex will give me so much more time to do all the things I always wanted to do. Now I'll finally be able to... what? God, I just realized I've been so addicted to the gay "lifestyle" and the pursuit of sex I haven't taken much time to think about doing anything else. There must be something I wanted to do other than meet men? Dance? Yeah, but there's too much sexual energy in that environment. Work out? Yeah, but I can't take showers or saunas because that can lead to - "you-know-what." See, this is another test by God: "Let me see if Emmett can give up sex and also tolerate being bored." But I can... I know I can. And once I get over this withdraw then everything will open up for me... like when people give up smoking and everything tastes better.

Haven't stopped J.O., but I will after the weekend. (Ted lent me some videos it would be a sin to miss.)

03-04-01 - Episode 12

Ways to "See the Light"

1. Stop watching gay male porn.
2. Throw out all my INCHES magazines.
3. Stop going to gay bars.
4. Stop wearing revealing clothes. (Except for the peach see through... that's sort of religious looking in only a slightly sexy way.)
5. Start watching straight porn... ONLY with unattractive male stars.
6. Check women out and don't comment on what they are wearing.
7. Pray.
8. Don't take showers at the gym since it will stimulate impure thoughts.
9. Wear more unattractive underwear.
10. Don't use gay words or expressions such as "fabulous," "go girl," "hello gorgeous," "puh-lease," and the pronoun "she" unless it's referring to a person of the opposite sex... WHO YOU SHOULD BE ATTRACTED TOO!
11. Also, don't watch television except for PAX TV... TV commercials (soap and shampoo commercials) and sports (soccer, basketball, and football) can be too stimulating of impure thoughts.
12. Cold showers... alone.

03-11-01 - Episode 13

Washed my hands of my ex-friends. The Zak O'Toole thing was the final proof. Satan will stop at nothing to work through them. I have to be strong, and call Matt whenever I'm tempted. Thank God for him. He's the rock. Already, I feel stronger and lighter than yesterday. I never realized how easy it is to change...or at least start to change. It's still tough to believe that I once thought Ted and Michael were true friends and laughed with them at those good people who were trying to be their true selves and SEE THE LIGHT. It's easy to be blind when you're numbed by the chase for pleasure. Matt says my ex-friends aren't evil. He just believes the devil and ignorance have led them to follow unnatural desires. He says that once I have my own "success story" and have fully and completely "SEEN THE LIGHT," I can try and help them begin the process of change. I think it will be hard for Michael to change, since he has the misguided acceptance of Debbie. (Luckily, my parents knew this lifestyle was wrong for me.) Ted just needs to know his sorrow isn't because he can't meet a man...it's because he's looking for men in the first place. I think if he came to just one meeting, he would understand. God knows he already dresses like a straight guy from some backwater suburb. Oh my God! Yesterday he was wearing some tacky, fake leather black dress belt with jeans and these brown side-top loafers he's been wearing since the 80s! No wonder he can't get a date! Stop it, Emmett! Get back to the light! Breathe, breathe, think about the light. That kind of "gay thought" is from the devil. Remember what Matt says, the devil uses material things to lure you away from the light. Stop obsessing about fashion, working out, dieting, mismatching shoes and belts, or whether Britney could be the next Madonna...(she can't! Let it go!). Stop! That's the old Emmett. The only important thing right now is your return to the light, to your true self. It doesn't matter whether you wear Prada or J.C. Penney's, just as long as you're IN THE LIGHT.

03-18-01 - Episode 14

Just woke up in a cold sweat! What the hell was I thinking?! I almost gave up all my queerness to be part of a cult! It must be the club drugs. They never tell you irrational-conversion-to-alien sexuality can be a by-product of that crap. Well, at least I'm friends with Heather. God knows if I'll ever get over having sex with her, but she's a great gal. Guess it'll just be an amusing memory...slightly nauseating...but then again so was riding some of those roller coasters at Hershey Park when I was little. But I definitely need a major Breeder detox. This whole "See the Light" experience has taught me several important lessons...the most memorable of which are: you lose your taste in clothing and realize that intercourse with the opposite sex is not your scene. I hearby promise the following...

I will never do anything to a woman's body again that doesn't involve her hair or makeup.

I will never wear any clothing again that doesn't at least emphasize A) My basket or B) My buns.

I will never think of my sexuality ever again except as something which is beautiful and perfect and natural JUST AS GOD INTENDED! (Thank you for Ted, too.)

I will NEVER NEVER have unsafe sex!

Oh my God, I just realized I threw out all my queer porn and my silver cock ring! I suddenly feel sick. Well, at least this will give me something to shop for on the weekend besides my Leather Ball outfit. Thank God, I stopped all that "See The Light" stuff before the Leather Ball. I'd be spitting bullets if I realized all that stuff was crap AND missed the most decadent event of the year. Perhaps I should do a religious motif in honor of my de-conversion, my "backsliding" back to Babylon. Yes! Perhaps a Bishop-meets-the-Marquis-De-Sade...and perhaps a gold-plated cock ring to top it off...er ... bottom it off...er...IT DOESN'T MATTER!

04-01-01 - Episode 15

Leather Ball was the best ever! Completely decadent...and I looked fabulous (of course). If I only could wear bottomless chaps every day...well, let's skip that thought. (I'm still a little sketchy from staying up so late.) Speaking of which ...Cowboy Bob called three times to make sure I was all right. A total sweetie... who's really a male nurse from Bayonne, New Jersey! (He said he practices his rope tricks with the gurneys and IV racks at the hospital! Is that adorable or what?!!!) We had so much fun. Played this one game where I was this bad cowboy named "Dark Dan" and he was the good cowboy -- named "Bob" of course. Anyway, it was a totally ridiculous, silly, and marvelous evening... and if he calls one more time I'm changing my number. Fetish is fun, but as an old Sondheim song says "Once is a lark, but twice tho' loses the spark. No, I never do anything twice..."

04-08-01 - Episode 16

Watching Justin stand up to that bully on the street brought back so many memories for me. I guess, it's such a different environment for him today than when I was a kid...at least he has positive images on television. Who were my gay role models? None except for pseudo queer characters. Like...Dr. Smith from Lost In Space...Felix Unger from The Odd Couple...Charles Nelson Reilly...and of course, Agnes Moorehead from Bewitched. God, I can remember seeing my first real gay person...Quentin Crisp doing the Naked Civil Servant on PBS...he was so effeminate and blatant and ... fabulously brave. God, what would I have been like in high school if I had people like Justin around? What would I have done when they threw lit matches at me in gym class? I remember having such vivid fantasies of being brave...of taking revenge. Kids can be so evil...or maybe they're not evil...just ignorant and confused. Probably that Chris Hobbs kid has confusions of his own, and he's taking it out on Justin. Probably a big ol' homo himself. People think it's not a big deal being picked on when you're a gay kid, but it is a big deal...huge! It's one of the worst things that can happen to a kid. When other kids throw around those hateful words you start to hate yourself. You think they must have a point to their hate. You sense your feelings are out-of-the-ordinary, and you feel dirty and completely alone. But luckily, high school ends...and miraculously, we find each other...queers and open-minded people who know how to accept difference. We learn that it's not a disadvantage to be queer, it's just another blessing. But even then, you have to remind yourself...like I did with my tawdry - and utterly embarrassing - foray into "See the Light." (Am I ever going to live that down?) Oh well...I lived down the summer I wore those vintage Versace hot pants, and I suppose I can live down one, small, misstep into religiously-inspired-faux-heterosexuality. I am just a human being after all...in an utterly spectacular way. Well, all I can say is, I'm certainly proud of Justin. It's teens like him who are going to change this world for the better. Bravo for him.

04-15-01 - Episode 17

Got a call from Bill (Bill from Chicago, not Bill from Miami) about P-town. Bill said he's going to be in a house in the east end with Vinnie, Kyle, Trey, Lance, Jim B. and Jim something. (Not the Jim from Pittsburgh, but the Jim from...uh-oh...he's from Pittsburgh too...hmmm? Note to self: learn last names.) Anyway, Bill also said he saw Randy. (Weasley-looking guy, lipo, calf implants...only thing real about him is a trust fund.). He's also going to be in P-Town with his new boyfriend...gasp...a cute Japanese guy who barely speaks English! I bet it's Katsuo! (The bastard who rejected me last autumn!) I'm completely over him, but I'm still feeling a little vengeful. Oh well, there's no better revenge than looking fabulous!

OH MY GOD! Just walked by the bathroom mirror and nearly screamed like Janet Leigh in "Psycho." I am SO NOT ready for summer. Provincetown is only a few short months away, and if I don't get my butt to the gym I'm going to look like Shelley Winters in the "Poseidon Adventure!" And I might remind myself that she had a husband already...I don't! I have to get in shape! (Affirmation: I now have a fabulous and toned body, I now have a fabulous and toned body, I now have a fabulous and toned body.) Was reading this Fashion Guru column in the local rag and he said it's a good idea if you're doing a summer-slim-down to buy yourself some piece of clothing, which inspires you. I know JUST the thing: this cute little lime green Versace swimsuit with a 1950s style belt. Very tight, but nearly fluorescent, so if anyone looks too closely for signs of cellulite it'll probably blind them. (Serves them right!) Sort of expensive but credit cards always make things seem free. Fashion Guru also said that this summer queer boys will stop shaving their chests as much, and body shapes will be less hulking, and more classic (i.e. toned but slim like me.) Thank god. I'd love to see smaller muscles on the beach this summer...at least I'll have a fighting chance of being noticed. It will also be nice to see all the "roid rage" disappear. I swear, it's getting scary to be gay. The other day two muscle queens were at the store and nearly ripped each other's hair plugs out because there was only one box of 2Xist underwear left on the shelf. Frankly, I would have liked to see them lose the nasty hair plugs...their scalps looked like cheap doll heads. Have they no shame? (No.) Anyway, I'm going to start eating right, working out, drinking lots of water (god I hope I don't retain...!) and maybe even do one of those colonics they do out in Hollywood. By the time summer rolls around I'm going to be fit, fabulous, and have a colon so clean you might mistake it for a vegetable crisper. (Note to self: work on metaphors.)

04-22-01 - Episode 18

Just left Ted. Ugh! He's completely freaked about Blake, the tweeker twink, being gone. He should be rejoicing. He just saved himself about 10 years of therapy. Okay, so maybe I was wrong about Blake being a thief, but I'm not wrong about him being bad news. In the name of Judy, he's not only an addict, but he has already nearly killed Ted! Am I crazy, or is that reason enough not to date someone? Leave it to Ted -- poor pathetic-but-adorable Ted - to go from being dateless to co-dependent in five seconds flat.

Oh, speaking of cute-n-cuddly co-dependents...just got a letter from Heather. (My one-and-only female lover!) She's still a lesbian (thank God...and I MEAN that) and it seems, about two weeks ago, she went to some tennis camp for lesbians (Is that redundant?) and met some lesbian biker from San Jose who's a mechanic and also does spiritual healing. (Wrench, oil can, crystals, sweat lodge?) She fell in love (of course)! Well, frankly, good for her! She's solidly back on lesbo ground. I guess it's like that old expression - once you ride a lesbian biker, you never forget...or something like that.

04-29-01 - Episode 19

What is wrong with me? Everyone's dating someone except for me? Brian has Justin, Michael has David, Ted has Blake (Although, drug addicts do not COUNT as boyfriends!) Melanie has Lindsay (That doesn't count either since lesbians are always in relationships. Unfair advantage.) But still, I'd at least like a pseudo-relationship, even if it doesn't really count. Just one lousy date with a terribly attractive man...or at least a reasonably attractive man...well...a little better than reasonably attractive. This coming weekend is the King of Babylon contest. Lots of cute boys around. Maybe I'll meet someone. You have to figure the losers are going to need to be consoled. I should write some affirmations around that thought...

I am now meeting someone,
I am now meeting someone,
I am now meeting someone...
(More specific)
I'm now meeting someone Hot...
and rich...
and hung...
More of a top...
but versatile...
But not "too" versatile..
who loves me and cares about me a lot...
and who works in the men's fashion business...
and gets an incredible discount!

I suddenly feel loads better!

06-10-01 - Episode 20

Brent. Brent. Brent. Brent. Gone. Gone. Gone. Dead...no, but in a way I wish...if only it were that simple. That way he could be permanently frozen in my mind as a "great love" who died early...instead of betraying me with the first Tom, Dick and Harry who just happened to be in front of him in the line for the urinal. Why is it every man I meet is either afraid of commitment, or married, or both? Why is my life so tragically flawed, huh? WHY?! Why is it that life takes me to these stunning heights of breathtaking beauty only to drop me like a four pound sack of canary crap in the dumpster of lost loves? Why is this friggin' pitcher of Cosmopolitans suddenly empty?!!! It must be some alcohol-chemical-process thingy...maybe the splash of cranberry juice speeds up the evaporation process.

Made another pitcher, but I'll keep a lid on it to protect it...keep the vapors from wafting away like my lovers.

Oh...I feel so sad...so horribly, tragically sad. My heart is wounded like "someone" (Brent to be specific) shot me directly through my left ventricle, then opened the wound with his handsome fingers, yanked out the damaged heart, slapped it around with one of those beach paddles, scratched it in the sand, rimmed it with salt like some tall, tawdry margarita glass, shoved it back in my chest, then sewed it up with a rusty needle...and then waltzed off with some Babylon heathen. What was I writing about? I dunno. Lost the thought. I'm so thirsty. Pittsburgh's like a desert. Just had a craving for Margaritas. Put the pitcher of Cosmos in the fridge for later.

The thing that really pisses me off about...about that guy... whasisname?...Brett! That's it! Brett! (Still doesn't sound right?) Oh, well...he should change it then! But he won't, because he doesn't friggin' care about me...not me, not little old Emmett whom he once loved for an hour and 45 minutes...with whom he shared a passion for so many things...doesn't he see the miracle in that? Huh, doesn't he?! I mean when is he gonna meet someone who likes Clinique for Men AND green onion potato chips AND Brad Pitt! Whose favorite song is "Somewhere Out There"? Whose favorite album is Barbra's Back to Broadway? When it comes down to it, I haven't lost anything! He has! He's the loser! Not me! I'm a valuable human being! It says so right here in my journal a few pages back. See, right there in lavender ink! "Emmett is a valuable human being!" Written 100 times! So Brett or Buster or whoever-the-hell-he-is can shove it up his adorable, precious little butt. I long for his butt...and his shoulders and the way he didn't really know my name. Why did he have to be so beautiful? God I miss him.

I have to stop drinking. It ages the skin.

06-17-01 - Episode 21

So much drama around here lately! Vic's trial, Michael deciding to move to Portland, Brian moving to NYC. Too much for one queer boy to handle!

I guess the really big news is Brian's turning 30 in a few days. The end of an era! Not since the death of "acid wash" has a cultural turning point had such piquancy! What's more, I'm hoping it will bestow some humility on our taciturn Adonis. Come to think of it, perhaps I should buy him a box of Depends and some Geritol. In a couple of years I'll be turning 30, but I won't "look it" for another 10 or 20 years...as God is my witness! Who knows? Maybe by then they'll have come up with some new drug to stop aging all together? God, if that happens, how will queer men be elitist? How will we cruelly separate the trolls from the twinks? Of course, there will always be wealth and looks to divide us. It must be hell being old and living around young people, constantly reminding you you're no longer one of the "desired." I guess some guys like older guys. We just don't see them hanging out in the bars. I know when I'm older I'm not going to be chasing chicken around. No way. I'm going to age with grace and dignity and three or four eye lifts, a forehead full of Botox, a tummy tuck, a butt and chest implant and an adorable Brazilian lover of a certain age who owns a horse farm in Sao Paolo. He'll be named Gustavo and have grey at his temples and enough money in the bank that we'll buy small countries for sport. And we'll be unbelievably proud of our age, and be charter members of the Pittsburgh-Sao Paolo chapter of SAGE, and never let anyone under 50 come to our parties. Well...whatever happens I just don't want to be tragic. I can't stand tragic queens.

I'm NOT a tragic queen.
I'm NOT a tragic queen.
I'm NOT a tragic queen....

06-24-01 - Episode 22

Just saw Ted, he's devastated about Blake's disappearance from rehab. He actually thought this was all going to have a happy ending. Poor thing, I really feel for him. Why do I have to be right all the time? Sometimes I'd love to be wrong when it comes to my friends screwing up their lives. Ah well, my empathetic genius is both a gift and a curse. I really should have been a therapist or some other helping profession. However, I suppose, in my work as a "retail whore," I do get to influence people in a positive way. In fact, I'd say for every person who leaves the store with a new pair of go-go shorts, two people leave with a better sense of themselves thanks to my words of wisdom. Speaking of which, I think I need to ask the boss for a raise. My credit cards are almost maxed out. How does he expect me to remain stylish and fit on the pittance he pays me? Fashion and beauty are expensive. Maybe I should get a second job?

---

Дневники Линдси, Мелани, Майкла, Дебби, Теда, Эммета

которые были в профилях героев на шоутаймовском сайте
про которые я писала здесь moveforever.diary.ru/p140943218.htm и что так и не доделала, скринов там должно было быть по два на каждого из героев по плану), профили переведены Медведицей здесь queerasfolk-rus.livejournal.com/82973.html
собраны  yurkina в книгу здесь yurkuna.diary.ru/p170764267.htm
а здесь у меня было про то, на что эти профили поменялись к 2002-ому году moveforever.diary.ru/p145228109.htm

и поскольку тема эта эта у нас тут возникла вновь, то выложу уже в конце концов то, что еще нашла и чего не хватало, пока опять не отвлеклась на полгода))
Если кто не в курсе, в профилях этих были дневники героев (здесь был выложен на английском дневник Джастина из этих первых профилей на sho.com moveforever.diary.ru/p140688629.htm
емейлы Брайана я так и не собралась выложить, но они уже переведены на русский, как и дневник Джастина и все это можно почитать по вышеприведенным ссылкам)
Из дневников остальных у нас раньше были только маленькие отрывочки, зато теперь они есть целиком!) (кроме дэвида))
пока на английском все, но, надеюсь со временем и перевод появится
Текста так много, что в одну тему не лезет, в каменты добавлять мне не удобно, поэтому в отдельные темы выложу остальные.
и по уму надо было бы в них сложить все на каждого: и инфу из профилей и дневник и "отношения", но пока пусть дневники только будут

Майкл - NOTEBOOK
01-07-01 - Episode 5

Feel like a dork. Screwed up my date with the Chiropractor. Boy do I suck as a gay man! After Doctor Dave dropped me off (dumped me off - more like it). I went to Babylon to look for some physical "approval." So stupid. I guess I wanted some assurance I hadn't suddenly turned into a troll. I just wanted someone to come up to me and say, "Michael you are a damn cute looking guy! What does that stupid chiropractor know?"

When I got there I felt so depressed I almost walked back out. But then a funny thing happened: THEY WERE ALL OVER ME. Maybe it was because I had borrowed Brian's clothes, or maybe being dumped makes me more attractive ... maybe it gives my boyish good looks the edge they need (ha, ha) I don't know. Really weird. It felt really powerful, like I was the most popular guy in the club - like Brian must feel ...like some super hero...Captian Astro cruises Babylon!

01-21-01 - Episode 6

Are all gay couples unhappy? Do they all cheat? Or is this just another example of me being brainwashed by Brian. I did see a book at the Barnes and Noble which talked about all these famous queer guys who've been in really long relationships. (Can't remember their names, but I know there was a long list, and they were all sort of really important.) So, maybe I'll make the list someday. What's to say I can't be part of a happy queer couple. But what if I end up like all those other couples - the gay "sweater set"? Those slightly out-of-shape guys you see all the time at home improvement stores? The ones who bore you with stories of how much it cost to renovate their country house, or how they took the most romantic camping trip (without any references to Joan Crawford or Betty Davis)? I hate how they always order for each other and answer for each other and remind each other about their diets and ALWAYS use plural pronouns to refer to themselves: "WE'RE fixing up OUR house, so it will make US better than lonely little you." THEY'RE so damn boring! I NEVER want to be part of a couple like that! No wonder they're always throwing their home renovations in your face. They're clearly jealous and miserable and want to punish you for being single! Is that what I'm heading for with David? Tag-team toilet makeovers? No way. David and I are DEFINITELY NOT A COUPLE! He's just a guy I'm "dating"...or rather "going out on dates with" ... NOTHING SERIOUS ... I don't think... If he ever mentions Home Depot to me I'll shove a paint roller down his throat.

01-28-01 - Episode 7

Had the weirdest dream last night. I was restocking feminine napkins on the shelves at the Big-Q when I felt this tap on my shoulder. It was Captain Astro - or that's who I thought it was...He was dressed like the Captain anyway. He said something about it being wrong that someone with my super powers should be stuck making sure the women of Pittsburgh had easy access to tampons. Then, he said he was going to rescue me, and take me to a place where I would be able to utilize my super hero abilities. I said something like "cool" or some other really lame response ... Anyway, we started to fly through the store and out the front door ... It felt totally awesome! Next thing I know we're flying across the sky and I'm all wrapped up in Captain Astro's arms. I notice they're pretty muscular, and I'm feeling all sexy and stuff and I turn to look at him and it's not Captain Astro at all: It's David! I start to get scared and say, "Hey, you're just a chiropractor, you don't know how to fly!" But he just laughs and says he took a weekend seminar in flying at the Learning Annex. I feel really good about this, and I'm really enjoying looking down at all the poor losers stuck on the ground. We fly over Marley's (from the Big Q) house and she looks up and spits the beer she's drinking all over her fat husband. I start cracking up ... but then I stop ... because I'm falling ... I realize David dropped me - ON PURPOSE! As I'm falling I look up to scream to David for help, but he isn't even looking at me. He's looking at someone else ... at Brian. It seems Brian took the same course and has flown up next to David and started cruising him - IN MID AIR! David totally forgets about me as I'm screaming and falling ... it was horrible. I also notice Brian is laughing at me. I start screaming for Brian to help me - screaming something about Patrick Swayze being really pissed... but Brian won't do anything ... he just stays up in the air with David. And the ground kept getting closer, and I kept thinking Brian was just trying to make me sweat - playing some sort of joke -- but then I think that maybe he really wants me dead ... and just before I hit the ground I look up and they're kissing and then ... BAM! SPLAT! I wake up. At least the dream taught me something: No more cold turkey meatloaf sandwiches before bed.

02-04-01 - Episode 8

I'm now a manager at the Big Q ... yippee. Why do I feel so crappy? I guess I'm still freaking because I had to pretend to be straight to get it. Does this mean I'm gonna have to keep pretending to watch ESPN, drool over the swim suit issue, and watch This Old House? (I feel so dirty.) Why do people care what your sexuality is if you do your job? I mean, when you consider the number of queer geniuses (Michelangelo, da Vinci, Eleanor Roosevelt, and a good 60% of the writers of all the great comic books etc.) compared to the number of queer people in the world vs. straight people - it's more likely we'd do a better job than a straight person. Sure, maybe we'd be a little late on those rare Monday mornings after a particularly rowdy circuit party, but it's a minor trade-off when you think that we could paint the Sistine Chapel or create a Super Hero. I guess people just want to hire people that they can relate to - carbon copies of themselves, so they don't feel so alone in the world. Would I hire someone just because they were the most like me? I guess so... I mean, if I had the choice between a qualified queer person and a qualified straight person, I'd choose the queer guy - just so I wouldn't have to sneak around about my private life. But, then again, if I had to choose between a queer guy who was a Barbara Streisand fan and an open-minded straight guy who was a Captain Astro fan ... I'd go for the Captain Astro fan. (He'd probably be queer deep down anyway). Actually, when I think about it, I'd always choose the person that was the most fun and the best for the job whether he was queer, straight or celibate. Hey! Look at that! Maybe I do deserve to be Manager!

02-11-01 - Episode 9

11 p.m.
Should I move in with David? Why the hell do I have to make a decision? I'm not old enough to move in with anyone! What if this means being trapped in a loveless relationship? What if it doesn't work out and he freaks and tries to keep all my stuff ... or even burns my comic book collection? Do I have the maturity level of a gnat or what? (As if I knew anything about the emotional development of gnats - then again I do hang out at Woody's a lot.) Okay ... be reasonable for a second. Do I really know this guy well enough to move in with him? No. Does anyone know anyone well enough to move in with anyone? Probably not. What if he's really a psycho killer who habitually does this with all his patients? Why does everyone seem like a god when you can't have them, but then turn into some sort of four-headed-monster when they're interested in a committed relationship with you? I'm going insane. Screw it. I'm going to sleep. Think about it tomorrow.

1 a.m.
Can't sleep. Thinking about David. I do love him ... I guess. I like having sex with him. I like his chest, and how he purses his mouth when he tries to make some lame joke. But he's sort of boring (In a sexy way.)... I hate his friends - some of his friends. (Lice-spreading, pompous assholes!) I like that woman. (What's her name again?) Why does he want me anyway? I'm a geek! If I move in with him he's going to have to accept my friends too....What about Brian? Damn ... it's almost 1:30 a.m. and I HAVE TO SLEEP!!!! I'll get off ... maybe that'll help.

2:15 a.m.
Didn't help. Kept trying to fantasize about different hot guys but every time I was close to coming the fantasy guy would ask me to move in. This SUCKS. Maybe I'll try some Ovaltine...Mom used to give me that....or maybe watch C-SPAN, that should put me to sleep.

02-18-01 - Episode 10

5:30 p.m.
I told David I couldn't move in with him. So, he dumped me. I guess I should've expected it. It would've happened sooner or later anyway. Man, I feel like crap. Why is it that people always look best right after they say the word "goodbye." They should make some sort of drug or plastic surgery to lock in that look of unavailability...was he really as handsome as that? Did he really have as nice of a house as that? Was he that completely sexy? Why couldn't he seem that way when I was there with him? Why is it he's only that hot for me in memory? I hate this.

1 a.m.
The worst time sleeping again. One minute I'm crying about David dumping me, and the next minute I'm remembering what happened on the turnpike with Brian... the kiss... was it a dream? No. It did happen: Brian KISSED ME FOR REAL. And would it have stopped if Emmett hadn't called out to us? Where would it have gone? Brian never kissed me that way before. Maybe it was because we were stoned. But we've been stoned together before... man, it really was incredible. GOD! I can't believe I'm thinking about kissing Brian when David has just dumped me. What's wrong with me? I must have Teflon for a soul.

1:35 a.m.
How can you know who is the "right person to love"? Why can't they label lovers like... what are they called... those codes for matching children's clothes? - Garanimals! That's it! Why can't they label lovers like Garanimals - so we'd just have to look at some tattoo on the back of their neck to see if we'd fit together.

Mom's letting Justin, move into MY OLD ROOM! This sucks. I will kill him if he touches anything. Does he have to have everything of mine? First Brian, now my room and my MOM!

02-25-01 - Episode 11

Packing for the move to David's. Going through all my stuff... years and years of comic books, and action figures, and ticket stubs to movies, and phone numbers scribbled on business cards... why do I keep all this? Bunch of Brian stuff too. Putting that in a box to be thrown out later. I can't believe I've gone through so many years thinking that jerk was my friend. It makes me sick. It's not that he's always been there for me, but I've always been there for him! Defending him against what people said about him... picking up the pieces when he comes home drunk after seeing his father... listening to his constant sex stories... I was probably the only person that would listen to all his crap and really cared. When did he really listen to me? Never. Why couldn't I see this? It's like a blindfold was taken off my eyes and I've finally seen who - and what - Brian really is... and I feel so stupid, like I wasted my life believing in someone that wasn't even there. Brian is just what everyone says he is... a pretty face with the conscience of a rattlesnake. The worse part is it means I'm no different than anyone else... I was only interested in Brian because he was great looking, and I projected my hopes on him... created this mystery that someone really good was under all that... but there wasn't. He's nothing, he's just a big, self-centered, mean-spirited... nothing.

03-04-01 - Episode 12

Brian's back, and I finally feel normal again. Can't believe how attached I am to him... despite everything I wrote in my last journal entry, he really is a good person deep down. Maybe it's just a little deeper than your average guy... he is pretty special after all. Maybe when you're as beautiful as he is you look at the world differently, since everyone treats you differently. I think beautiful people are judged more harshly than average looking people... then again they also get a lot more benefits. Actually I guess you pay one way or another. If you're homely, people think you're smarter and probably nicer... and if you're beautiful like Brian everyone thinks you're an asshole unless you kiss up to them.

Speaking of "kissing up" I had to do my own little kissing up to David last night. I could tell he wasn't thrilled that Brian and I are talking again. He says "whatever you think, I support you." But I know it's 90% lip service... but it's sorta sweet that he tries. I can tell when he lies now, because he gets this really tense, fake smile while his eyes look like they're gonna kill you. I also mentioned that I wanted to go to P-town this summer. He started talking about this "exquisite Bed and Breakfast" he stayed at with his old lover. Then I said that I couldn't wait to spend some time with him on the cape, but explained it was sort of a tradition for the guys and I to spend it stag... said it was like a "boys-night-out thing"... but stretched to a week. He said "Sure, no problem. Go ahead." And then he started that tense, fake-smile thing. Am I wrong for wanting to be alone with my friends? As much as I love David, friends are just as important as lovers. They've been there forever. And it's just not the same when David's around... I can't seem to relax. I feel like they'll say something he'll think is stupid or he'll say something they'll think is boring or snobby or something. Why can't they just get along?

03-11-01 - Episode 13

Sitting on the loading dock watching two very hot South American guys (they might be Israeli - not sure) unload boxes of some sort of new self-cleaning toilet seat covers. I'm trying to look managerial today, although there's too much going on. Actually, I think the world is falling apart all at once. First, Emmett tells us he wants to turn straight (as if!) and even refuses to have sex with Zak O'Toole and his penis! (Which, by the way, definitely needs to be referred to as a separate entity...maybe even requiring a different area code. Yeesh!) Then, just when I call to tell Brian the news, he tells me he's being sued for sexual harassment by a gay guy in his office! Something is completely out of whack. Must be some bizarre lunar foul-up or maybe it's the end of the world or something. I remember something like this happened to Captain Astro in issue 166 when he woke up one morning, after drinking that weird amber tea, and Kitty, the mayor's beautiful, sweet daughter, was transformed into some sort of evil Droid dominatrix, with a penchant for taking her high-heel routine just a little too far. (Great issue! Wish they'd bring Kitty back - poor thing. Although that might interfere with Lieutenant Rooster Shaft, Captain Astro's sexually ambiguous sidekick.) Why am I rambling? I guess because I can't talk about this Brian stuff with David. He pretends to listen and care, but I know it just pisses him off. He's got to learn that because Brian is a priority in my life, doesn't mean he isn't. A person can have more than one priority...it just means you have to...prioritize the priorities. I mean if David was dying and bleeding, I wouldn't think twice of helping him before Brian - I mean if Brian wasn't dying or anything. What if they were both dying at the same time? Who would I help first? Stupid question. They aren't.

MAN! RED ALERT! The delivery guys just took off their shirts! Man! I love delivery day!

03-18-01 - Episode 14

10:30 p.m. - Sunday
David's asleep. He's so fixated on his schedule. Sleep at 10 p.m., up at 5:30 a.m., jog, work out, health shake, work, and home. Geez, I don't even think Superman has such a strict regimen. We had a nice night, stayed in and fooled around for a while - did a little strip number in my Captain Astro briefs - huge hit with the Doc! I guess this is what a relationship feels like...really warm, and settled, but still a little boring (in a nice way.) But, I guess I still can't stop wondering what's going on out there...what I'm missing. Guess that's normal.

9 a.m. - Monday
Morning. Sitting in the back of the stock room at the Big Q. Freaking. David's son Hank is coming this weekend! He's going to completely hate me, I know it. He's one of these "jock super kids" that does everything. David can't stop talking about him..."He plays tenor sax, creates websites, he juggles, loves sports, he's on the short list for the Pulitzer Prize in the junior high division..." (Made up the last part.) I'm not going to have anything to say to him, and he's just going to look at me and think "That guy's sleeping with my dad!" I can't deal with this. I think I'm going to go stay at my old place for the weekend.

04-01-01 - Episode 15

David is really irritating me today! After Hank left, I thought: cool, great, he gets it. His son was honest with him and now David has a better idea that he can act a little too controlling. So I assumed he'd also make the connection that he is controlling in other aspects of his life as well. In other words: WITH ME. Unfortunately, the chiropractor has not made that adjustment yet. I should talk to him about it, but I think it might be too soon since Hank read him the riot act. Maybe that's the real problem: maybe I'm just another substitute son? Eew!!! Not even! I have to talk to him...after things cool down. Next week? Who knows, maybe it's just a stage in our relationship? Just mailed Hank issues 13, 14 and 15 of Captain Astro (had doubles). If he likes Scorpion Head he'll love the Captain. Having Hank around made me understand why Lindsay and Melanie wanted to have kids. I think someday, if things work out with David, that I'd like to have a kid too. Maybe adopt...don't know if I'd want a carbon copy of me. Why make someone else suffer through being a semi-cute slave to the Big Q. Then again, I'd be able to teach him what (and who) to avoid, and I'd make him finish college. It would give my mother somebody else to nurture. She'd be the best grandmother that's for sure.

David just called. We're having dinner at some French restaurant again. (Chateau Ma Poop or something like that.) Doesn't this guy ever eat McDonalds?

04-08-01 - Episode 16

Sitting at the Café Artiste in the Latin Quarter. David said he needed to pick up something he bought yesterday at some store - it was being altered. Probably surprising me with another gift. He's been going overboard the whole trip...and I'm loving it. Emmett was so right. I was being selfish in not letting David do this stuff for me...he seems as happy as when we first met. This Paris trip is definitely the most incredible thing that's ever happened to me. Right now, all these really French-looking French people are sitting all around me, talking French and eating French bread and French fries...and a straight couple in the corner is even frenching. You just know they're all talking about important things like their extramarital affairs and existentialism. It's so completely opposite of Pittsburgh. This is the most amazing trip of my life. Yesterday, we went to the Loove (how do you spell that?)...Louver (nope...?)...Louvre (maybe?) ...the big art museum, which is just about the hardest word to spell in the French language. (The French have to have about a zillion unnecessary letters in the middle of their words.) It was packed! About a thousand people were crushing around the Mona Lisa. David got really irritated and suggested we skip it...but I wanted to see it, cause who knows when I'll get another chance to see it in person. It's a lot smaller than I thought it would be. Anyway, after we were tired of all the art, we went to a "petite café" (little coffee) at this really pretty café on the Rive Gauche (left side of the River) and then we went shopping at this very fancy shopping area. (Not a Big Q within about 5,000 miles!) Got this incredible blazer from the Hermes store...David wouldn't let me see the price, but I know it probably cost more than 200 bucks. He bought me a belt and a tie, too. Don't really like the tie, but I didn't want to hurt his feelings. Then we went to this exquisite (David's word, but I like it) restaurant called...something - can't remember, but it was in French, and it was really good. But, the most incredible thing was I found this little comic book shop that had ALL THE BACK ISSUES OF SANDMAN for unbelievably cheap! I'm gonna need a new suitcase.

The waiter just came over and asked me - in French - if I wanted anything else, and I answered him IN FRENCH, "Oui, merci...une petite café, si vous play," (yes, thank you, a coffee, please). It's actually the only thing I know how to order in perfect French, so I've been ordering it a lot...actually I'm starting to feel really jumpy. Got to remember to ask David how to order decaf.

Coming here and spending time with David has made me realize how small my life has been in Pittsburgh...how much I've wasted my time just hanging with the same people, in the same places. Brian never even had a week like this. None of my friends have. My old life isn't enough for me, anymore. It's like suddenly getting to live the life of a Super Hero and then being expected to go back and live your life without super powers. It's impossible. David said that he'd like to take me to Florence, Italy next. He said it's even more romantic than Paris! That would be just fine with me. (Mom and Uncle Vic will freak out!)

I can see David walking down the block now. He's carrying a gift-wrapped box. I knew it!

04-15-01 - Episode 17

Still feel like a jerk about how I treated Mom and my friends. It's like I thought they weren't as "good" or as "valuable" as the people David has introduced me to, but the fact is they're better. They're more genuine, and more loving and more...real (excluding Mom's hair of course). I mean, sure they're a little strange, and they don't all have fabulous exciting jobs or travel the world...but they're extraordinary people...and most importantly they're always there for me...they're my family. I guess it's like anything in life: when we already have something we don't know how truly special it is. Even with David, I used to think that because he wasn't as beautiful or as "dangerous" as someone like Brian (for example), he wasn't as good. But he is...God, it seems so stupid to even say it. I mean, what a dope I was! How many people would kill for what David and I have? He's the dream-queer-lover! He's hot, rich, sexy, and a chiropractor...certified! I mean he even cleans up after me! (Okay, that can get a little irritating, but...) If I had gotten involved with Brian - or someone like Brian, I mean - he would have been cheating on me within a few months. When it comes to a relationship, queer guys like him have the attention span of a hyperactive three-year-old in a video arcade. I mean, in this community, having a monogamous boyfriend is virtually a miracle! It's time to just be happy with my life. Okay. There. I'm happy.

04-22-01 - Episode 18

Welcome to the journal of the "betrayed little housewife." That was Brian's on-target description of my behavior over the last few days...that is before I became the new "enlightened" Michael Novotny. According to an article I read, it's natural for men to sleep with lots of people. The article was called "Why Men Cheat." (I think it was in "Cosmo" or some other "women's magazine" I found at the Big Q. Took it to the toilet and nearly read the entire issue. Also found out that I'm not an "autumn" like I thought. Go figure.) Anyway, the article said that women like monogamy because they have a limited amount of eggs, and don't want to waste them with a variety of men. But men, on the other hand, have zillions and zillions of sperm and it makes sense for them to want to spread them around as much as possible. This made me feel a little bit better about what happened with David...for about 15 minutes. Why am I so different? Why can't I detach sex from love? I'm sure Brian would say I was full of it for thinking this...but he wouldn't know. Casual sex is so inferior to what I feel when there's love there. It's like comparing Captain Astro to...Barney Rubble. Speaking of which, I wonder if Barney ever cheated on Betty? She was in pretty good shape...I doubt it. But if Barney and Fred were a couple, I bet Fred would be at the Bedrock Bathhouse in no time...probably doing it with the Great Kazoo in the Jacuzzi. Men suck.

04-29-01 - Episode 19

It's 2 a.m. David's asleep upstairs...he'll be up in a few hours for his morning run. It was really amazing spending time with Brian tonight. His bowling alley...what's the word? "Epiphany"...that's it. I think he finally forgave his father...well maybe not "forgave," but at least he got past "it"...the anger. I hope he did. I know this is a doofus thing to think of at this moment, but it was sort of like when Captain Astro was in love with Mary, the new secretary in the Mayor's office. He finally thought he found love, but then he realized she was really just Rat Boy in disguise, but instead of just hating him and kicking his ass, he felt a little sad. Because sometimes you can hate and love someone at the same time. Maybe that wasn't it. I don't know. I do know that I never felt closer to Brian. It was one of the only times...maybe the only time...I've ever seen him really open up. I wonder if I could ever forgive my father? Whoever he is. I wonder if I'll ever see him? If he stayed with my Mom would I have been a different person? Would I have the issues Brian has...would I have had different issues? I guess you can never know.

06-10-01 - Episode 20

David can't get this stupid grin off his face about all the attention he got last night at Babylon. I could kill him if he weren't sort of adorable. I never knew so many guys would go for him. I'm so used to Brian and the guys making comments about David's age, I forgot that he's one damn hot guy. Why should it matter what other guys think anyway? It should only matter what I think. But it was sort of a rush to have so many guys in that place jealous of me since I would be the one going home with him. It's what I've always imagined it must feel to date someone like Brian...although anyone who dates Brian would never know for sure if they were going home with him, since he might change his mind. Speaking of which...I still can't get over the fact Justin stole that guy right out of Brian's arms. It was a Babylon first. I guess I'm sort of a bad best friend, but suddenly I have developed a fondness for the boy wonder. Anyone that can make Brian see what he's done to the rest of us for the last 15 years is okay with me.

Just got off the phone with Mom again. She calls about every 15 minutes. I haven't heard her this upset in a really long time. Poor Uncle Vic. I still can't believe those cops did this to him. It's so unfair. Mom said he's been laying in his bed staring at the ceiling, and won't eat anything. At least he's out of jail for now thanks to Blake. Blake sure is a lot nicer and caring than I imagined. I guess Ted was right about being a bit narrow-minded when it comes to him. But - for Ted's sake - I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt.

06-17-01 - Episode 21

I can't believe I'm doing it. Moving to Portland. It doesn't seem real yet. But Brian's right about going. If I want to give David and me a real chance in this relationship, I've got to do this. It's just so hard to make a decision. I mean if Captain Astro hadn't made the choice to listen to Baron Von Impaler's advice rather than to Shawna White Star's advice, he never would have found the cure for the Plague of Tourette's Syndrome that swept through Metropolis (issue 175). Then again, that also caused him to lose his super powers for the next three issues. Change is scary. I'm going to miss Mom and Uncle Vic and Ted and Emmett...and even that little pain-in-the-ass Justin. Not to mention Brian. It will be really weird not to have him in my life everyday. But he'll be in NYC anyway. God, I feel sick to my stomach. But this is all part of growing up, I guess.

Brian's 30th birthday's in a few days. Oh boy, this isn't going to be pretty. He's going to be so freaked. Hee hee.

06-24-01 - Episode 22

I am writing this in the cab on the way to the airport. I only have about 20 minutes to catch David's flight. I keep trying to hurry the cab driver, but he's driving like a little old lady. Just my luck...a cab driver without a death wish. Can't he speed up? God, I hope David didn't change his mind too and we end up crossing paths. No, he wouldn't do that. Why am I still feeling unsure about this? I know I love him, and that's all that matters. Right? I have to just dive in...take a risk...I have to grow-the-hell-up! Portland isn't the end of the Earth. Finally! I see the airport exit! Here goes nothin'!


дневник Эмметта moveforever.diary.ru/p170806867.htm

@темы: давным-давно на Sho.com

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Закрытая запись, не предназначенная для публичного просмотра

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Prom Fight: The Marc Hall Story (2002)

мне вчера emule неожиданно подарок сделал)
я дабавила файл на закачку 6-го марта!! и вчера он наконец дозагрузился)
первые три месяца он вообще не подавал признаков жизни, потом еще три месяца я emule не запускала, потом еще сколько-то ничего не происходило, а потом закачка стала время от времени оживать и потихоньку загружаться, и вчера вдруг взяло и докачалось)) ну да, всего то девять месяцев заняло... это странно, но больше я не нашла где его скачать, а скачать хотелось)

если кто не знает, это документальное кино о том, как молодой человек боролся за право привести своего бойфренда на школьный выпускной. (не путать с художественным фильмом Prom Queen: The Marc Hall Story)

страничка на imdb www.imdb.com/title/tt0379941/
статья www.gay.ru/news/rainbow/2002/05/15.htm

ну а мне он был интересен в первую очередь тем, что Марк побывал на съемочной площадке QAF, об этом тут www.angelfire.com/home/qaf/marc_hall.html и мы его можем видеть в кадре в 220, в вавилоне, приерно на 41:25
это я знала давно, но однажды мне попались капсы в гораздо лучшем качестве, чем на angelfire, ну и стала искать само кино) нашла-то быстро, а вот качала долго)

капсы, уже мной сделанные













вырезала и залила на ютуб маленький кусочек, касающийся посещения съемочной площадки
материала там, собственно кроме тех фоток, что на капсах - нет, но их показ сопровождается словами Марка




ну и сам фильм залила на мегу, если кто захочет скачать www.megaupload.com/?d=9LWURZXX
Prom Fight: The Marc Hall Story (2002) 57 минут, 480 мб

@темы: в кадре и за кадром

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я нахально, не спрашивая разрешения, забираю к себе чудесные подарки)

спасибо всем большое за поздравления, подарки, умылки
я очень тронута!)

06.12.2011 в 00:26 Пишет  reda_79:

С Днем Рождения, moveforever!
Название: Чудо природы
Автор: reda_79
Гамма: -ula- (лучи любви)
Пейринг: Брайан Кинни/Джастин Тейлор
Рейтинг: NC-17
Размер: мини (1974 слова)
Жанр: МПРЭГ!, немного фантастики, романс
Таймлайн: 2012-2013 г.
Дисклеймер: все принадлежит Шоутайм и Коулип, мои только слова
Предупреждение: Я прошу обратить внимание читателей на то, что если вас сквикает мужская беременность - не читайте! И не говорите, что я не предупреждала)).
От автора: написано специально для  moveforever - в подарок к Дню Рождения
Дорогая Саша, надеюсь, ты меня не прибьешь, что я дарю тебе такой текст)). Ну, насколько я помню, эта тема поднималась и обсуждалась именно в твоем дневнике и скажем так, тебе было любопытно... Ну и мне заодно и вот во что все это вылилось.


В 2012 году мир словно взбесился, все ждали наступления апокалипсиса. Средства массовой информации наперебой освещали цунами, землетрясения и неурожай пшеницы, выдавая каждое мало-мальски значимое событие за очередное знамение грядущего конца света.
И апокалипсис наступил. Хотя концом света это вряд ли можно было назвать. Землю не затянула черная дыра, на нее не упал метеорит, ничего даже не взорвалось… Просто мужчины, всего-навсего, оказались способны к деторождению.
Сенсационная весть о первом забеременевшем мужчине облетела земной шар в мгновение ока. Врачи созвали мировой консилиум. Кто-то снова заговорил о конце света… Родившийся ребенок и его счастливый папаша, и одновременно, мамаша чувствовали себя превосходно. Медики изучили их вдоль и поперек и никаких отклонений не нашли. Они развели руками и объявили об этом событии, как о причуде природы.
Но причуды природы продолжились, сразу несколько десятков мужчин по всему миру обратились к медикам с тем же диагнозом.
«Это происки врага рода человеческого!» - возопили на всех углах особо агрессивно настроенные представители разнообразных религиозных конфессий.
«Наконец-то мужики поймут, какого это!» - радовались домохозяйки.
«Они отняли у нас последнюю привилегию!» - визжали воинственные феминистки.
«Бред!» - категорично заявил Брайан и выключил телевизор.

- Меня сейчас стошнит.
И Брайан хотел бы верить, что это какая-то дурацкая шутка, в конце концов, его язык только что побывал во рту Джастина, и теперь такое заявление звучит несколько неуместно. Но позеленевший Тейлор, прижавший руку ко рту не вызывает сомнений в том, что он говорит правду.
Брайан растерянно смотрит, как тот бегом мчится в ванну, где его, судя по звукам, рвет.
- Блядь! - потрясенно произносит он. «Солнышко только что стошнило от моего поцелуя?»
Кинни старается взять себя в руки, а потом идет проверить Джастина, который все еще торчит в ванной комнате.
- Наверно, я что-то не то съел, - бормочет он.
Глядя на его бледное лицо, Брайан решает не напоминать, что он еще ничего не ел и вряд ли мог отравиться, если только это что-то не содержалось в слюне Брайана.

Джастину становится лучше и он сам тянет Кинни в постель, берет в рот его член и тот забывает о предыдущем инциденте.
Они оба не вспоминали об этом несколько недель.

С тех пор, как они переехали в Нью-Йорк, темп их жизни возрос. Брайан активно продвигал «Киннетик» на новом рынке, Джастин занимался своей творческой карьерой - совсем недавно состоялась его первая персональная выставка. Где-то посреди этой круговерти, они умудрились пожениться – в штате как раз только приняли закон об однополых браках. На свадьбу приезжали все их Питтсубргские друзья, с которыми они теперь так редко виделись.

В этом году День благодарения им предстояло провести в доме Дэбби Новотны.
- Если вы не явитесь на торжество, мистер Кинни и не привезете с собой своего муженька…
В общем, она была очень убедительна.

- Брайан, я очень рада, что брак с тобой пошел на пользу Солнышко. Он весь сияет и даже поправился, - замечает Дэбби, ополаскивая посуду, и протягивает тарелку Кинни.
Брайан покорно протирает ее и ставит в шкаф.
- Да уж, после того, случая, когда его стошнило, приходится смотреть внимательнее за тем, что он ест, - небрежно роняет он.
-Что? – Дэбби пораженно открывает рот и застывает с грязной тарелкой в руках.
- Ну да, его вырвало как-то утром, я даже подумал, что его тошнит от моих поцелуев, - в порыве откровенности выдает он.
- Скажи-ка мне, сынок, вы предохраняетесь?
- Дэб, ты чего? Я верный муж и уже давно никого не трахаю…
- Брайан, - прерывает его язвительное замечание Дэбби. – Ты что новостей не смотришь?
- Бога ради, как я могу не смотреть новости, ведь у меня рекламное агентство.
- Я не о таких новостях! Брайан, ты не думал, что Джастин, возможно, беременный?
- Ты спятила?! Он же мужчина…
- Это ты спятил, разве ты не знаешь, что теперь мужчины тоже могут залететь?
- Да это бред, неужели ты веришь всему, что показывают в телевизоре, - кривится он.
- Это никакой не бред, в соседнем доме есть парочка, так вот, один из них на седьмом месяце беременности.
- Ты хочешь сказать, что мужская беременность – это не миф? – Брайан бледнеет.
- Именно!
Кинни меняется в лице и хватается за столешницу, чтобы не упасть.
- Брайан, Брайан! – пугается Дэбби, набирает в рот воды и плюет ему в лицо.
- Блядь, что ты делаешь?
- Спасаю тебя от обморока.
Брайан вытирает лицо и задумчиво смотрит куда-то вдаль, нервно барабаня пальцами по столу.
- Брайан, разве ты не любишь Солнышко?
- Конечно, люблю, - не колеблясь, отвечает он.
- Тогда ты должен с ним поговорить. В конце концов, это же счастье, представь, у вас будет ребенок, - улыбается она и треплет по щеке растерянного Кинни.
- Дэб, только не говори пока никому, - просит он и, дождавшись обещания, выходит с кухни.


- Я не собираюсь слушать эту хрень! – орет рассерженный Джастин.
- Солнышко, - пытается успокоить его Брайан.
- Нет! Я не беременный!
- Как ты можешь знать это точно, если не ходил к врачу? – терпеливо уговаривает его Кинни.
- Я мужчина, - зло выкрикивает Джастин.
- Конечно, мужчина, - Брайан обнимает его и целует макушку, поглаживая спину. – И даже, если ты беременный, ты все равно будешь мужчиной, моим мужчиной, - ласково шепчет он.


Брайан меряет широкими шагами приемную клиники. Джастин скрылся за дверью кабинета уже минут тридцать как, ни в какую не согласившись, чтобы Брайан пошел с ним.
- Я должен услышать это сам, - тихо сказал он.
Дверь, наконец, скрипнула, и появился Джастин. Выглядел он так, словно ему пообещали подарить луну и солнце одновременно.
«Блядь, это правда!» – Брайан понимает все без слов. Он хватает Джастина в охапку, потом словно опомнившись, слегка отстраняется, будто боится его раздавить.
- Три месяца, - шепчет Джастин. – Через семь месяцев ты станешь папой, а я…
- Ты тоже станешь папой, - улыбается Брайан, не в силах больше скрывать счастья.


- Брайан, отстань от меня, ты ведешь себя хуже, чем наседка, - ворчит Джастин, спихивая с себя одеяло, которое только что так заботливо подтыкал под него Кинни.
Округлившийся живот Джастина выглядит немного странно и тот его стесняется, стараясь скрывать под разными балахонами. Но сейчас, лежа в кровати, спрятать его невозможно, и Брайан осторожно кладет руку сверху, ощущая, как пинается малыш.

Джастин уже привык, к тому, что Брайан возится с ним, как с хрустальным, и позволяет целовать живот, тем более, что от этих ласковых прикосновений в паху все скручивается и член наливается тяжестью. Брайан теперь довольно часто отсасывает ему и позволяет отсосать себе, вот только трахать отказывается. А Джастин уже на стенки готов полезть, так ему хочется ощутить внутри себя твердый член. Блондин знает, что уговоры и угрозы не подействуют на упрямого Кинни, если уж он вбил себе в голову, что секс может повредить ребенку. А еще Джастин немного боится, что Брайан попросту его больше не хочет.

Брайан безумно жаждет оказаться внутри Джастина. Он представляет, как ставит его на колени, кладет одну руку на живот, поддерживая его, а второй направляет себя в восхитительно узкий зад…

Джастин просыпается рано утром, мучаемый жаждой. Он тихонько выбирается из постели, бредет к холодильнику, и пьет гуавовый сок, к которому пристрастился во время беременности, прямо из бутылки. Так же тихонько, он возвращается в кровать и закрывает глаза, но сон не идет. Он прислушивается к своим ощущениям, малыш не беспокоит его, наверно, спит.
Брайан раскинулся рядом, одеяло сползло с него, и его тело предстало во всей красе. Широкая грудь мерно вздымается, ямочка плоского живота так и тянет прикоснуться, а член наполовину возбужден, вероятно, ему снится что-то приятное. Джастин старается отвлечься от эротического зрелища и переводит взгляд на длинные стройные ноги. Это не помогает, при виде ступней Брайана рот наполняется слюной, а в паху становится жарко. Он осторожно встает на четвереньки и медленно подбирается к Брайану, поглядывая, чтоб тот не проснулся. Наклоняется и лижет манящие его пальцы, Кинни не шевелится, и Джастин смелеет. Он осторожно продвигается снизу вверх от ступней к бедрам Брайана, выцеловывая замысловатые узоры. Добравшись до паха, он не спешит прикоснуться к члену, кружа вокруг, и видит, что тот уже налился и встал, в отличие от хозяина. Джастин вбирает головку в рот, рискуя разбудить его обладателя, но Брайан только глухо стонет во сне и подается бедрами навстречу. Не в силах терпеть, он заводит руку за спину и трогает себя, трет, гладит, проталкивая смоченный слюной палец. Пальца мало, так мало. А член Брайана дразнит, мажет по животу. И Джастин не выдерживает, он подползает повыше, приподнимается над Брайаном и направляет ствол в себя, медленно насаживаясь, совершенно дурея от распирающего ощущения.

Брайан просыпается, ему слишком хорошо, чтобы спать, и видит перед собой Солнышко, опускающегося на его стоящий колом член.
«Блядь». Брайан вцепляется в его бедра, не решаясь делать резких движений, и ловит расфокусированный взгляд. Там столько желания и нужды, что он не смог бы отказать Джастину, даже если бы у него на это хватило силы воли. Брайан расслабляется насколько возможно и ободряюще поглаживает спину Джастина, ждет, пока тот опустится на него до конца, а потом сам начинает двигаться. Он плавно скользит, приподнимая его над собой, и тут же погружается снова. Внутри Джастина невыносимый жар, теснота давит со всех сторон, заставляя Брайана усилить амплитуду.
Джастин беспомощно всхлипывает, его член зажат между их животами, для этого даже не нужно ложиться на грудь Брайана. Ощущения настолько яркие, что ему, кажется, будто при каждом толчке внутри разворачивается тысяча тугих спиралей.
Брайан нежен и осторожен насколько это возможно, но, приближаясь к финалу, делать это становится все сложнее.
- Сильнее, пожалуйста, - умоляет Солнышко.
Оргазм оглушает их обоих.
Джастин осторожно сползает с Брайана и ложится рядом.
Кинни молча обнимает его, притягивая спиной к себе, целует затылок, и кладет руку на живот.
- С ней все в порядке, - шепчет Джастин, догадываясь, что беспокоит мужа.
Словно в доказательство, ребенок пинает в ладонь ножкой, не сильно, а так, будто потягивается внутри.

В следующее посещение врача, Джастин разрешает Брайану войти в кабинет вместе с ним.
Доктор рассказывает им о состоянии малышки, и дает почувствовать биение сердца.
- Девочка здорова, как и ее папа. И мистер Кинни, секс не может повредить ребенку, особенно, если родители получают от него удовольствие…

Следующие несколько месяцев до родов проходят для них, в любви и нежности. Брайан больше не отказывает Джастину в сексе, хотя по-прежнему делает это очень медленно, смакуя каждый миг.

- Брайан.
- Ммм, тебе что-то принести? – спрашивает Брайан, с трудом отрывая голову от подушки.
- Думаю, началось, - спокойно говорит Джастин и только прикушенная губа свидетельствует о том, что с ним что-то не так.
- Что началось? – глупо переспрашивает Брайан. – Ребенок?! - подскакивает он как ужаленный, когда до него доходит, о чем твердит блондин.
- Не волнуйся, все хорошо. Вещи собраны, я готов ехать, - успокаивает его Джастин.
Но, кажется, Брайан его не слышит. Кинни носится по квартире. Схватив джинсы, он натягивает одну штанину, потом, вспомнив, что надо вызвать скорую, хватается за телефон, который как назло выскакивает из рук. Брайан тянется за ним, путается в штанинах и чуть не падает. Все это сопровождается громким матом.
Джастин непременно бы посмеялся над метаниями Брайана, если бы ему не было так больно.
- Брайан, пожалуйста, - он мягко касается плеча Кинни.
Тот, наконец, реагирует на спокойный голос Джастина, и его безумный взгляд останавливается на партнере.
- Дыши. Я уже вызвал машину, они скоро будут.
- Господи, Солнышко, это я должен тебя успокаивать, а не наоборот, - виновато хмыкает, чуть успокоившийся Брайан.
- Я в порядке, просто держи меня за руку, - просит Джастин, чуть заметно вздрагивая.
Брайан тут же переплетает его пальцы со своими, и они стоят так какое-то время.
- Пожалуй, тебе все же придется одеться, - хихикает Джастин. – Ты, конечно, отлично выглядишь без одежды, но боюсь, в больницу тебя в таком виде не пустят.
- Я уверен, что пустят, только вот, все внимание тогда достанется мне, - самодовольно ухмыляется Брайан. – А нам надо, чтобы они занимались тобой, - уже серьезно добавляет он, хватая первую попавшуюся рубашку.
Наверно, это первый раз, когда Брайан Кинни не задумывается о собственном гардеробе.

- Малышка и ее «мамочка» чувствуют себя прекрасно, - сообщает ему молодой врач, на которого Брайан даже не смотрит. Все его внимание приковано к стеклянным дверям, за которыми находятся его муж и дочь.
- Вы можете зайти…



06.12.2011 в 08:02Пишет  Миралинда:

С Днем рождения, Мувифарева!

Название: Я целовался с белкой
Оргинальное название: I Kissed a Squirrel
Автор:sapphire_3
Перевод:  Миралинда
Рейтинг: R
Жанр: Humour
Саммари: Белкофобия - неосознанная боязнь белок.
Пейринг: Брайан/Джастин
От переводчика: малюсенький РМ подарочек мувифаревой с большой любовью от белок.

Я целовался с белкой

Я целовался с белкой.

*~*~*~

Taylor_made cейчас в сети. (12:33:00)

Taylor_made сказал: (12:33:08)
Привет.

Ryhmeswithvenus зашел в сеть. (12:33:40)

Ryhmeswithvenus сказал: (12:33:55)
Привет. Что-то важное? Я тут занят немного.


Taylor_made сказал: (12:34:05)
Да нет, не очень. Я просто хотел спросить, ты знаешь что сегодня за день?

Ryhmeswithvenus сказал: (12:34:15)
6 декабря.

Taylor_madeсказал: (12:34:40)
Да, а что в нем особенного?

Ryhmeswithvenus сказал: (12:34:55)
Четверг

Taylor_made сказал: (12:35:04)
Подумай получше.

Ryhmeswithvenus сказал: (12:35:20)
Это Международный День Трахания Мозгов Своего Партнера?


Ryhmeswithvenus сказал: (12:35:24)
Нет, подожди. Это же каждый день.


Taylor_made сказал: (12:35:32)


Taylor_made сказал: (12:35:40)
Сегодня Международный День Защиты Белок!


Ryhmeswithvenus не отвечает и сменил статус на "занят" (12:35:55)


Taylor_made сказал: (12:36:02)
Брайан?


Taylor_made сказал: (12:36:10)
Ладно.


Taylor_made сказал: (12:36:18)
Давай, убегай. Это выглядит очень солидно.

Taylor_made сказал: (12:36:31)
Не каждый может признать, что он до смерти боится белок.


Ryhmeswithvenus сейчас в сети. (12:36:40)

Ryhmeswithvenus сказал: (12:36:56)
Я НЕ боюсь белок до смерти.


Taylor_made сказал: (12:36:59)
Боишься.

Ryhmeswithvenus сказал: (12:37:12)
Я не виноват в том, что каждая белка этой чертовой планеты испытывает ко мне кровную ненависть.


Ryhmeswithvenus сказал: (12:37:30)
Чертовы древесные крысы ада.


Ryhmeswithvenus сказал: (12:37:36)
Эти глазки-бусинки и гадкие кустистые хвосты.

Ryhmeswithvenus сказал: (12:37:40)
Я уж не говорю об их шиповидных смертельных когтях.


Ryhmeswithvenus сказал: (12:37:47)
Я уверен, если дьявол явится в виде грызуна, то это будет белка.


Taylor_made сказал: (12:38:11)

*валяется и уже рыдает от смеха*


Taylor_made сказал: (12:38:21)
Ты такой лапочка иногда, знаешь?


Taylor_made сказал: (12:38:33)
Скажи мне, ну что не так с белками?


Taylor_made сказал: (12:38:40)
Если американцы любят белок настолько, чтобы посвятить им праздник, значит у них есть какие-то хорошие качества, которые могут искупить их вину?


Ryhmeswithvenus сказал: (12:38:58)
Только для тех наивных людей, которые при виде них восхищаются: "Посмотри на эту милую маленькую белочку"


Ryhmeswithvenus сказал: (12:39:07)
"Посмотри, как она бегает по дереву. Как она собирает орешки и кладет себе за милые пушистые щечки. Посмотри, как она гоняется за другой белкой по веткам..."


Ryhmeswithvenus сказал: (12:39:15)
Ага, это все смешно и весело, до тех пор, пока кто-то не впивается когтями в твою ногу.


Ryhmeswithvenus сказал: (12:39:25)
Или жуёт электропровода, ударяется током и дымящейся, корчащейся тушкой падает тебе под ноги.


Ryhmeswithvenus сказал: (12:39:37)
Или неожиданно выпрыгивает из мусорного бака прямо у тебя под носом и делает смертельно опасный прыжок на ветку над твоей головой.


Taylor_made сказал: (12:39:48)
И заставляет тебя визжать как маленькая девчонка?


Taylor_made сказал: (12:39:54)
Я помню тот случай.


Ryhmeswithvenus сказал: (12:40:01)
Я НЕ "визжал как маленькая девчонка"


Ryhmeswithvenus сказал: (12:40:10)
Я сказал "О, Господи" и немножко подпрыгнул


Taylor_made сказал: (12:40:16)
Немножко?


Taylor_made сказал: (12:40:23)
Да ты практически запрыгнул ко мне на руки.


Taylor_made сказал: (12:40:30)
И ты абсолютно точно визжал. Громко.


Taylor_made сказал: (12:40:38)
Да ты напугал до смерти бедную белочку. Не удивительно, что она сбежала.


Ryhmeswithvenus сказал: (12:40:48)
Ты что на белкиной стороне?!?


Ryhmeswithvenus сказал: (12:40:55)
Ты чертов предатель.


Ryhmeswithvenus сказал: (12:40:59)
Не пиши мне больше.


Ryhmeswithvenus сказал: (12:41:05)
С этого момента я объявляю свою жизнь зоной свободной от белок!

Ryhmeswithvenus не отвечает и сменил статус на "занят" . (12:41:08)

Taylor_made сказал: (12:41:12)
Подожди-подожди как только я перестану уссываться от смеха, то сразу извинюсь...


Taylor_made сказал: (12:41:40)
Ладно. Хорошо.

Taylor_made сказал: (12:41:49)
Послушай, прости, что я заступился за белку.


Taylor_made сказал: (12:41:56)
Ты прав, это была адская белка и она покушалась на твою жизнь.


Taylor_made сказал: (12:42:29)
Брайан?

Taylor_made сказал: (12:42:50)
Я знаю, что ты здесь.

Taylor_made сказал: (12:43:09)
Я знаю как улучшить тебе настроение.


Taylor_made сказал: (12:43:16)
В честь праздника я приготовлю запеченую белку сегодня на ужин.


Taylor_made сказал: (12:43:22)
И шоколадных белок на десерт.


Taylor_made сказал: (12:43:34)
Кети Перри утверждает, что вкус белок похож на вишневый бальзам для губ.


Ryhmeswithvenus зашел в сеть. (12:43:40)

Ryhmeswithvenus сказал: (12:43:49)
Даже не думай об этом.


Ryhmeswithvenus сказал: (12:44:02)
Если ты попытаешься накормить меня чем-то, хоть отдаленно напоминающим белку, можешь считать, что твоя квота на минеты в этой жизни исчерпана.


Ryhmeswithvenus сказал: (12:44:15)
ХВАТИТ РЖАТЬ! Я, блядь, серьезно с тобой разговариваю!


Taylor_made сказал: (12:44:23)
*вытирает слёзы от смеха*


Taylor_made сказал: (12:44:32)
Ладно, Окей. Я обещаю не пытаться накормить тебя белкой.


Taylor_made сказал: (12:44:45)
В любом случае, я не думаю, что где-то можно купить мясо белки, поэтому ты в безопасности.


Ryhmeswithvenus сказал: (12:44:55)
Купить?

Ryhmeswithvenus сказал: (12:45:06)
Зачем покупать, если можно пойти в ближайший парк с бейсбольной битой?


Taylor_made сказал: (12:45:38)
Брайан, ЭТО ВАРВАРСТВО!


Ryhmeswithvenus сказал: (12:45:12)
Зато она будет вкусной и свежей.

Taylor_made сказал: (12:45:18)
ФУУУУУУУ!!!

Ryhmeswithvenus сказал: (12:45:44)
Таких белок я люблю.


Ryhmeswithvenus сказал: (12:45:50)
С обратной стороны естественного отбора.


Taylor_made сказал: (12:46:01)
Это так отвратительно. Фу-фу-фу!


Taylor_made сказал: (12:46:09)
Я думаю настало время прекратить нашу маленькую дискуссию, пока она не отклонилась в странном направлении....


Taylor_made сказал: (12:46:15)
Забудь про День Защиты Белок.


Taylor_made сказал: (12:46:28)
Может нам стоит подождать до недели Национальной Защиты Зверей в апреле, чтобы выразить свою любовь к животным.


Ryhmeswithvenus сказал: (12:46:37)
Или может быть Дня "Купи Кожаный Диван"


Taylor_made сказал: (12:46:45)
*язык*


Ryhmeswithvenus сказал: (12:46:57)
Теперь я уже могу вернуться к работе без адских древесных крыс, преследующих моё подсознание?


Taylor_made сказал: (12:48:05)
Да.

Taylor_made сказал: (12:48:12)
Но сначала у меня есть для тебя картинка:





Taylor_made сказать: (12:48:30)
Люблю тебя, Белкофоб Кинни.


Ryhmeswithvenus сказал: (12:48:45)
Не люблю тебя, ты подлый белколюбивый предатель.


Ryhmeswithvenus сказал: (12:49:12)
Или может люблю. Только немножко.


Ryhmeswithvenus сказал: (12:49:18)
Пизденыш.

Taylor_made сказал: (12:49:22)


Taylor_made сказал: (12:49:26)
Увидимся вечером

Taylor_made вышел из сети. (12:49:38)

Ryhmeswithvenus вышел из сети. (12:49:25)

*~*~*

КОНЕЦ

*~*~*

От автора: Ни одна белка не пострадала во время написания этой серии. Мои извинения Кети Перри.

06.12.2011 в 03:04

Пишет  yurkina:

Саша, с Днем Рождения!

06.12.2011 в 09:52

Пишет  -ula-:

С днем рождения, moveforever!

Саша, поздравляю с днем рождения! Здоровья тебе и твоим близким, счастья, сбытия мечт и побольше солнца в жизни!


Подарок у меня получился маленький. Но мне очень хотелось написать именно это.
Название: Страх.
Автор: -ula-
Не бечено
Саммари: заключительные сто слов к QaF (пятый сезон)

Самое сильное чувство, какое только может испытывать человек - страх. Что может быть страшнее перемен в жизни лучшего друга, которые отдаляют его от тебя? Можно захлебнуться ужасом, если представить, во что превратится твоя репутация, решись ты на перемены в собственной. Безумно страшно стареть, сдавать позиции и менять приоритеты. До чертиков страшно понимать, что влюблен, а еще страшнее признаться в этом. Но совсем уж животный ужас охватывает, когда осознаешь, что можешь не успеть сказать о своих чувствах тому, кого любишь.
И Господи, как же нереально страшно отпустить от себя, оторвать кусок собственного сердца и не испугаться остаться одному. Иметь смелость жить дальше....

И маленький бонус для тех, кто верит..
Название: To be continued ( 50 слов)

Оглядываясь назад, Брайан думает, что все это было не с ним. Он не мог быть таким забывчивым, нелепым, испуганным, сомневающимся. Теперь он уверен: нет ничего проще и естественнее, чем быть счастливым. Сколько бы миль или дней не разделяло их, Джастин всегда рядом - стоит только протянуть руку. И так будет всегда....

06.12.2011 в 15:18

Пишет  Sapfira23:

Сашенька, с Днём Рождения!!!

 moveforever, Сашенька, радость ты наша, С Днём Рождения!!!
Желаю всего само0самого самого, здоровья, счастья, радости, побольше светлых моментов в жизни!
А так же вдохновения на новые переводы и поиски такой интересной инфы, которой ты с нами делишься!
Отметить тебе сегодня наотличненько

@темы: картинки, фанфик, мне подарили...

---

QAF set sale

оно же Queer as Folk Warehouse Sale
распродажа накопленного за пять лет съемок добра
состоялась она 2,3 апреля 2005-го года, в Торонто, естественно
анонс этого есть тут www.angelfire.com/home/qaf/setsale.html, сохранились отчеты фанатов там побывавших и накупивших себе разных бесценных сокровищ, но кроме этого outtv снимало это мероприятие на видео
первые две части - это интервью с Патриком Антошем, я не собиралась заливать его, но не нашла нигде в онлайне, хотя мне казалось, что оно есть где-то, так что залила все-таки

продолжение интервью с Патриком

и три части это съемка посетителей-покупателей (и вот эти части мне кажется нигде не встречались)
не знаю, интересно это или не очень, но частичка истории)

вторая и третья части

и грустное немножко зрелище, конечно)

@темы: QAF set sale

---

Закрытая запись, не предназначенная для публичного просмотра

---

а вы знали что Брайан Кинни - это герой комикса?)

(не успев разобраться с Питером Пеном и lost boys)
я вот не знала)) то есть если это где-то и упоминалось в статьях, допах или еще где-то, то тогда я внимания на это не обратила

вообще, когда полезла искать конкретику, у меня буквально шарики за ролики стали заезжать)) и вряд ли я смогу складно изложить, к тому же в деталях я путаюсь некоторых, к тому же мир комиксов для меня нечто труднопонимаемое, так что если кто-то пожелает разобраться изучить и пересказать более точно и подробно - я буду рада)

а пока так - Брайан Кинни (Brian Kinney), он же Altar Boy, один из героев комикса "Astro City" (привет капитану Астро)) второй половины 90-х



в юном возрасте Брайан уезжает из родного города, он хочет быть супергероем, в Astro City, там становится официантом, встречает самого загадочного супергероя города Confessor, который священник и живет в церкви, который вампир, который становится ментором Брайана Кинни от которого тот и получет имя Altar Boy, с которым они противостоят нашествию чужих, который жертвует собой и после смерти которого Altar Boy Брайан Кинни делается новым Confessor'ом

Брайан Кинни хочет стать супергероем, потому что его отец был врачом бессеребренником, забесплатно лечил тех, у кого нет денег и умер в нищите и не заслужив уважения, а Брайан не хочет такой судьбы, но в итоге, после смерти Confessor'а он понимает, что быть героем - это не всеобщее обожание, а умение жертвовать собой и понимает, что его отец был героем (вроде бы))
если я ниче не перепутала)

Altar Boy носит черную маску домино
Confessor и Брайан Кинни (Altar Boy) - это реплика Бэтман и Робин (в которой Брайан Кинни - это Робин!) омг...
но в тоже время Confessor становится кем-то типа отца Брайану

какие-то ссылки всякие

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Confessor_(comics)
kbac.orconhosting.net.nz/astro2-3.html
scans-daily.dreamwidth.org/1865000.html#comment...
www.internationalhero.co.uk/c/confessr.htm
www.adherents.com/lit/comics/Confessor.html

и да, настоящее имя Confessor - Jeremiah Parrish)

караул)

@темы: интересности QAF, комиксы и сериал

---

задумчиво про ракушечный браслет

прочла одно наблюдение и теряюсь в догадках, очередная маленькая загадочность для меня про браслет этот)

подскажите, кто помнит, в британской серии было или не было отсылок к Питеру Пэну? я заглянула в первую серию в сцену в госпитале, и и вроде там нету этого, а дальше?
а в американской есть, и не единожды насколько я помню... а в 304, Карл приходит к Дебби и сообщает ей, что один из ее "заблудших мальчиков" (в оригинале "lost boys") попал в беду, когда племянник брайана выдвигает против него обвинения и крадет ракушечный браслет.
так вот наблюдение, которое я прочла, что в фильме "Hook" (Капитан Крюк) 1991-го года Стивена Спилберга про выросшего Питера Пэна, lost boys носят браслеты из ракушек каури)
я скачивала фильм и никогда не смотрела его, только одну сцену с ними на ютубе посмотрела, и да, на некоторых браслеты с такими ракушками (сами браслеты не такие, как у брайана, но тем не менее)


на мальчике справа




на мальчике слева


вот интересно, создатели с самого начала эту связь как-то осознавали, с момента как браслет появился на съемочной площадке (а может и связь с появлением есть?))), или с какого-то другого времени, имели в виду эту связь в 304, употребляя "lost boys" в истории непосредственно связанной с браслетом (ведь не похоже на случайность), связано ли это как-то с темой взросления... был в этом какой-то смысл, хотели эти что-то сказать, или это из случайных совпадений, которые со стороны могут показаться значащими что-то, если их заметить, а на самом деле не стоят выеденного яйца)
может кто-нибудь что-нибудь где-нить читал уже об этом?

@темы: браслет