everybody’s a critic.(c) BK
продолжая начатые когда-то забавности и интересности QAF))
гд-то когда-то я что-то из этого вроде встречала, а может и нет... а сейчас наткнулась...
и я понятия не имею, есть ли это сейчас на каких-нить квировских сайтах, может и есть, но я в диком восторге)
showtime в первые два сезона у себя на сайте публиковали кучу всякой долнительной инфы про героев, и характеристики персонажей, наверное видели многие, но...
там были дневники Джастина, Майкла, емейлы Брайана, дневник Эммета, записи Тэда
там было про Брайаново "guitly pleasure" - watching Justin sleep, и это было еще написано во время первого сезона!
That's where the information about Brian and Lindsay came from -- that they were students at Penn State and met in some Feminism class -- obviously back when Lindz was that "scary political dyke" and got Brian to sign the petition about date rape!
Дневник Джастина... от Showtime
кто это все писал неизвестно, и может это они так шутили, потому что напиши это кто-то из фанатов, там следовало бы крупно помечать ООС)) и это возможно объясняет некоторые традиции в квировском фанфикшине ))
и они все это удалили вроде после второго сезона, а gaedhal выложила то, что сохранила несколько лет спустся, но хотелось бы конечно заполучить это все, так что если кто знает где взять - дайте знать
хм, и может мне следует предложить Медведице это перевести, хотя не уверена, насколько ей и многим это может быть интересно)
итак, дневник Джастина, первый сезон 105-122! (е-мейлы Брайана потом))
читать дальше
JUSTIN'S SKETCHBOOK
01-07-01 - Episode 5
Brian said I didn't mean anything to him. Not sure I believe him. But he
also said something else that stuck in my mind: "You're the only one you
need. You're the only one you've got." That's what I used to think, but
I'm not sure I agree now. I know I've got my mom. She's totally cool
about the queer thing now. Why is Brian like that? So cold? I don't
think he really knows himself. He feels more for me than he knows. He
just doesn't know it yet. I think I could make Brian realize he needs
me. I wonder if Brian likes pierced nipples? Saw some guy with one the
other night at Babylon. Hot.
01-21-01 - Episode 6
The art show went great! Sold my drawing of Brian! (Don't know who
bought it, but it doesn't matter.) Now, I know I want to be an artist.
Lindsay (one of Brian's lesbians) teaches art and says I have "real
talent." The bad thing is my mom showed up. (Tell-a
-Daphne/Tell-a-phone!) Felt sort of weird with her there at the Gay and
Lesbian Center ... in front of all the queers looking at my drawings.
Then Brian showed up and kissed me right in front of EVERYONE... God, I
just hope she doesn't tell my father. Why does she want to become so
involved in my life?! Wish she'd just leave me alone! But I guess all
this drama is part of coming out ... part of "individuating" - just
learned that word from the Monarch Notes I was reading for Catcher in
the Rye. It means becoming more of an individual...becoming myself.
Speaking of which -- in honor of my new self -- I'm going to pierce my
nipple this weekend! Can't wait till Brian sees it! I know it'll drive
him wild!
01-28-01 - Episode 7
My father actually smashed Brian's car. He's gone completely insane.
What am I going to do? I never want to go home again. If Brian doesn't
let me stay with him I can always go to New York City and get a job or
something. But what'll I do? I've never worked before in my life. I
could sell my art. My drawings of Brian earned money from the show at
the Gay and Lesbian Center. I could do more. But will I be able to make
enough to live on?
I could become a hooker. Everyone says I'm hot enough. But could I
stomach having sex with old men? Are all the guys who go to male
prostitutes ugly? Maybe I could just have sex with hot guys for money?
Do hot guys pay for sex? I think Brian said something about paying for
sex once? (The hustler probably thought he had died and gone to heaven!)
Maybe there are a lot of hot guys out there that actually LIKE to pay
for sex. Okay, that's what I'll do if Brian doesn't let me stay with
him. I'll go to NYC and be a prostitute for hot-guys-who-like-to-pay-for-sex.
02-04-01 - Episode 8
Feel sort of numb today after everything that happened with my mom and
dad yesterday. When am I going to see them again? When am I going to see
Molly again? I guess everybody has to make a choice about leaving home
at some point, just wish it hadn't been as explosive as this. I guess
this is all part of growing up. Despite all the drama, last night ended
up sort of wonderful. Brian and I brought my stuff back and then just
sat quietly, ate that day-old jambalaya, drank wine, listened to Moby
and then made love. He really is a lot nicer than people think...he
tries to hide his soft side from everyone, but he hasn't been able to
hide it from me. Maybe that's why our relationship's different than his
others. I wish he'd talk to me about his family. Where are they? What's
his relationship to his father? He keeps that all such a mystery as if
he wasn't born at all...as if he sprang from the head of Zeus like in
that Apollo myth. I wouldn't be surprised...he is sort of a god.
02-11-01 - Episode 9
Watching Brian sleep. So beautiful...I can't believe how much I'm in
love with him. Does it always feel like this...like it hurts? What do I
like best about him...the way his chin curls up toward his lower lip?
The way his eyes are half innocent and half evil?
Brian
by
Justin Taylor
Long, sleek body...sleeping eyes...
Mouth wounded and slightly open...
Soul like a formidable stone wall...forbidding, excluding, banishing,
yet beautiful in its Fortitude, and covered with clinging ivy
Like me...
With roots, like claws, grabbing deep into the cracks and crevices which
hide secrets...
The ivy digs in its fingers, pointlessly trying to break the wall
open... nothing... for centuries... millennia...until it has grown so
lush, so strong,
The wall cannot withstand It ... breaks...
Brian would kill me if I showed him that. Maybe someday.
Where should I apply for school? If I leave Pittsburgh I'd lose
Brian...If I stay, I might go crazy. I'll apply to at least four
different schools and whichever accepts me is where I'll go. What if
they all accept me?
NYU? Great environment for queers. Far from Pitts..but not too far.
Carnegie Mellon? Get to see Brian, but not really where I want to go.
Penn State? Yuck. But it's cheap...just in case mom and dad refuse to
pay. Berkeley? Near SF...very far away, good school...expensive.
Saw Chris in the locker room the other day. He gave me major
attitude...but then I caught him checking me out in the shower, and he
was starting to get a hard-on! He nearly slipped when he ran out.
Hypocrite!
02-18-01 - Episode 10
Man, NYC was AMAZING!!!! I have to move there... the lights, the energy,
and the men. And I didn't see much more than 8th Avenue and my hotel.
But even that was more exciting than Pittsburgh will ever be. I hate
Pennsylvania... same old people, same old stupid steel towns. It has to
be the worst state in the country. I'm definitely going to apply to more
schools in NYC.
Parsons
Dartmouth
Brown
NYU
Columbia
Other art schools?
I also heard there's this place called the Art Student's League where
Georgia O'Keeffe studied. It's supposed to be real cheap. I need to send
away for a brochure.
Maybe I could support myself by Go-Go dancing, modeling, and posing nude
for artists; then I could also learn from them. Then after I graduate
Brian could move out here and we could live in one of those lofts in
Chelsea, and he could open an ad agency on Madison Avenue... while I
paint at home and Go-Go dance at night.
Tuesday, 4 p.m.
Been a couple days now living here at Debbie's. This place is SOOOOO
tacky. Where did she get all this awful furniture? Salvation Army I
guess. She's nice though, and so is Vic. He must be a hundred. I feel
really sad that he's sick... what must that be like? It's funny, you
really don't see guys his age around much. Guess a lot of them passed
away... or do they just not go out?
Brian wasn't answering his phone, so I went to see if he was at Woody's.
He wasn't there, meaning he was probably with somebody, doing his
"thing." Pissed me off. He can make love to me just 24 hours ago... make
love like he means it, and then go and do this. Well, I can do the same
thing... and I did. Hot Irish guy named Fergel - weird name -- not too
old - like 22 or 23 I guess... exchange student at Carnegie Mellon. Dark
and brooding and really kind of handsome - the son of an undertaker in
Belfast... How cool was that! He had a nice body, but not a lot of
muscles, but sexy, hairy, black eyes... Didn't do anything intense
sex-wise... just basics. I had a good time, but he kept looking like he
was confused, as if he might cry. Think he might be new at this. When we
were finishing up Fergel accidentally got some "stuff" on one of
Michael's comic books. He'll kill me if he finds out.
02-25-01 - Episode 11
Cleaning up Brian's mess... it's so depressing here. All the party
stuff, photos of Michael and Brian - it feels more like the aftermath of
a funeral than a party. Brian's walking around like he's in some kind of
black hole. Every time I say something funny or sexy or anything at all,
he just scowls (more than usual) and tells me to shut up. He doesn't
even want to fool around! I can't stand this! Something tells me he
wasn't just being self-centered this time... there's something going on
between Michael and him that I don't know about. (I know it's not sex -
since Brian gets that everywhere else.) But I also know he didn't do
this by accident. I bet Brian somehow thinks that by cutting Michael
off, he'll be giving Michael a chance with that old doctor guy. That has
to be it! Brian may be full of himself more than other people, but he
loves Michael, I know that... he's the one person (other than me) that
Brian cares more about than himself. I've got to do something about
getting these two back together. I think if they can just talk - see -
how much they mean to each other... then maybe there will be a chance. I
hate to see people lose friends, family... can't it all work out?
03-04-01 - Episode 12
Thank God, I got Brian and Michael talking again. Brian's always a
little bit grumpy (except when he's having sex), but he was unbearable
without Michael. This whole thing has helped me figure Brian out. He
pushes people away that he loves... Michael, his parents, ME -
everybody. I think he must've been hurt when he was a kid or something
and this is how he tries to protect himself. Well, sorry about that
Mister Kinney, but you can't push me away. I'm here to stay... whether
you like it or not. Doubt if he'll even acknowledge that I was the one
that got Michael and him back together - doesn't matter, I got what I
wanted last night.
This whole thing between them made me think that I might be good at
counseling. If I don't become a famous artist, fashion model or go-go
boy, I might consider becoming a therapist or a diplomat. Or maybe I'll
do all of the above... diplomat by day, go-go boy at night. Or I could
counsel fashion models... male fashion models!!!!!
03-11-01 - Episode 13
Brian "harass" somebody?! I can't believe what that Kip guy is doing!
That's so screwed up! That's whacked! I saw the guy and he's ugly as
dirt...relative to Brian that is. I mean he's okay if you like that
nerdy, boy-next-door, probably-jerks-off-to-Fortune-magazine sort of
look. Brian rejects a million like him in one night at Babylon. He'll
never get away with his lawsuit. Somebody's got to stop him. If Brian or his boss don't...I will.
4 p.m.
At work, busing tables. Man, I don't want to be here tonight. Told
Debbie I needed to take a break to work on studying for my SATs. She's a
sucker for "anything that'll make Sunshine get to go to school to become
a great queer artist like Michelangelo, or Da Vinci or Andy Warhol
or...." Blah Blah Blah. She's like the walking encyclopedia of
homosexuality. She's so over the top, it's incredible. I'm starting to
like her tho...I guess I should since she's more of a parent to me than
my own. I wish my mom could care for me as much as Debbie does for
Michael. But like Brian says, you've got to look out for yourself or no
one else will. Damn. Break's over. Time to serve some slop to the early
bird set...or as Debbie likes to say "Mealtime For Mary." As God as my
witness, I will not be doing this when I'm her age.
03-18-01 - Episode 14
Brian's babysitting Gus this weekend. I offered to help. It'll be like
we're a real family. I can sort of tell Brian's gonna miss going to the
Leather Ball... he keeps talking about how wild it was last year.
(What's the big deal anyway?) Ted says the entire club renamed the Back
Room the "Brian Kinney Room." I can believe it... then again this whole
city is a little bit like Brian's back room. (But I'm the only one who
gets to come back again and again! Some day he's going to admit how important I am to him!)
Brian keeps saying that he's bored with the Leather Ball anyway, so he
doesn't mind missing it. But this, of course, can mean: A) He really,
REALLY wants to go, or B) He's really bored with it. Remember, he's
always saying how bored he is with me - AND LOOK WHO'S STILL HERE!!!
Walked over to Mom's house yesterday. Saw Molly playing in the yard, saw
Dad working in the garage. They didn't see me. I walked around the back
and saw Mom was in the kitchen reading at the table. Thought about going
in, but I couldn't. Something's changed forever there. Or I've changed
forever. They'll always be my family...but I also have this other family
now. In a way, I'm really lucky. Maybe someday I'll have both... but not now. Definitely, not now.
04-01-01 - Episode 15
I got a 1500 on my SATs! I can't wait to tell Brian and Debbie. This'll
definitely help me get into a good school. I decided to skip applying to
Berkley and NYU...one's too far, and the other...don't think I'm ready
for New York. Someday, but not yet. So I'm going to apply to Dartmouth
(Dad's school) and Brown (great school for the arts). I'm also going to
apply to the Pittsburgh Institute of Fine Art. They get a ton of apps -
like 2,000 or something -- and only take about 50 students. If I went
there I could really pursue being an artist, and still get to see Brian.
Should I even be thinking about that? It's not like we're in a
relationship...as he keeps reminding me. Wherever I go the most
important thing is that I'm getting the hell out of St. James prep. The
homophobic comments and innuendo are getting more and more obvious
everyday. That place is so narrow-minded. Worst of all is Chris Hobbs.
One of these days he's going to say something and I'm gonna remind him
in front of everyone, about our little "encounter" during detention.
Asshole.
11 p.m. Sitting at the counter at the Diner...
Just heard Brian's dad is dying. Cancer. I wanted to hug him and let him
know I'd be there for him. But, as usual, Brian's being cold about it.
SO FRUSTRATING! But I know stuff's happening inside him. Can't imagine
what I'd feel like if my parents died...especially my mom. I'd want to
die myself. God, I don't even want to think about it. Makes me sad. I
would feel so lost.
Just started calling my mom, but then hung up. I'm gonna wait another
week...if she doesn't call me, maybe I'll call her.
04-08-01 - Episode 16
It felt great telling off Chris Hobbs in front of all of Liberty Avenue.
For a moment I felt like the hero of all homosexuality...except for
Brian that is. I thought he'd be proud of me for standing up for myself,
but I could tell he thought I went too. He said that I've made Chris
into a "real enemy." So, now I feel like an immature idiot...like I
stooped to his level. It's so hard to know how to fight homophobia the
right way, the effective way. If straights are bashing us shouldn't we
bash back? Isn't it best to show them we're not little sissies by using
force against them - the same way they use it against us? Brian's done
it. He even said he broke some jock's fingers in high school. And what
about when that car dealer made that homophobic slur and he ran that SUV
through the dealership window? He's such a hypocrite...but maybe he's
right. Debbie says the same thing. Educating and informing the bigot is
much more constructive than violence. But how can I "educate and inform"
when the damn St. James Academy won't even let me start a "Gay Straight
Alliance?" I'm so frustrated. What are they afraid of? Sometimes I feel
like just giving up...I only have a few more months of this shit, and
then I can say goodbye to St. James, Chris Hobbs and all the other
bigoted dweebs in Pittsburgh. That's what I'll do...just keep a low
profile, act like the good, little silent homo and try to ignore any
comments. But then I'd be worse than them...because I'd be letting them
win, letting them beat me down for just being myself. And what about the
other queers who come along and have to put up with their abuse? Screw
that! I'll be damned if I'm letting them win!
04-15-01 - Episode 17
It's about 4 a.m. Can't sleep. Got an acceptance letter from Dartmouth
today. I guess Mom and Dad will be happy. Especially Dad. But am I? Is
that where I want to go? Do I really want to study business, and spend
40 years of my life in a job I hate like Dad did? No. I want to be an
artist. But, I guess it's not practical. What's practical? Loving Brian
isn't practical, being openly gay in high school isn't practical,
certainly starting a Gay-Straight Alliance wasn't practical. These were
just things I HAD TO DO. Because they were right. If I actually got into
the Pittsburgh Institute of the Arts it might prove to Mom and Dad that
I really have the talent to make it as an artist. Does that even matter?
Brian just woke up and asked me why I wasn't asleep. I told him I was
too excited about the acceptance letter. He sort of grumbled (as usual)
and went back to sleep. He's snoring very lightly. The folds of his
nostrils are flaring in and out, and his eyelashes look especially long
when his eyes are closed. He really looks just like a little boy right
now...completely innocent...just like Gus. Maybe that's why I can't
leave Pittsburgh yet...maybe I'm just rationalizing staying with him?
No. I know I want to be an artist whether I'm with Brian or not...just
would prefer it was with him. Uh-oh, the sleeping monster just woke up
again and threatened to toss me on the couch if I don't stop writing.
So...goodnight sketchbook. Hopefully tomorrow will bring some decisions...
04-22-01 - Episode 18
I was heading home after work last night and passed a building that was
being torn down. Outside was a dumpster filled with a bunch of old
stuff...some of it looked like it might be valuable, so I looked inside
and found this really old wedding photo of this couple. It had to be
from the 1930s or 40s. I started to wonder why it would have been thrown
out at all. I mean, even if they were dead, wouldn't their children or
relatives have kept it? They were both really beautiful. The bride
looked like she was Latina and the groom was this handsome blonde man,
and they both looked incredibly in love. How could someone stop caring
what happened to the photo? Maybe he turned abusive, or she cheated on
him, or they died completely alone in the world. God, it makes me feel
so depressed. Why does love end? How could my parents give up on what
they had? I know they loved each other. I remember seeing them together
when I was little...like they couldn't get enough of each other. I
remember thinking when I first met Brian that our kisses were the same.
That the kisses meant more then just sex. It seems impossible for that
to disappear. But I guess I'm being naïve in thinking that it can't. I
guess in my mother's attempt to be open about who I am, she saw my
father in a different way. It's like any maternal instinct to protect
her children. But why does her love for him and me have to be mutually
exclusive? Why does my own self-realization have to screw up other people?
Late at night. I was thinking about the paint supplies that Mel and
Lindsay gave me. They are the first real, professional supplies I ever
had. Just owning them for a moment made me feel like a real artist...and
the fact that Lindsay believes in me.
04-29-01 - Episode 19
Daphne's still freaked out about the sex. I knew this would happen. Why
did I do it? I should have followed my instincts. I feel so sick right
now. Her face...in the CD store...it looked so different. I've never
seen her look that way. It's like she's changed into someone else. It's
so stupid. I mean, it was only sex...it's not like it was love. It's not
like she hasn't heard me time and time again say I'm queer. I guess it's
just because she's a girl. I mean, I would never fall in love with
someone just because I had sex with them. Why can't things go back to
the way they were before?
06-10-01 - Episode 20
My "King of Babylon" crown is hanging on the lamp. I still can't believe
I won that stupid contest. I also can't believe I drank as much as I
did. Bad hangover...like someone put a vice on my head last night. There
is no way I'll pass my trig quiz today. Screw it, I'm the damn King of
Babylon, and the King has declared this a royal day off. The trick from
last night stuck his number in my pocket. As if I'd call him. I don't
think so. He was really weird. Kept going on and on about how smooth my
skin was, and how much I reminded him of a young Brad Pitt, and how
great a lover I was and how he wanted to go on a "real" date...blah,
blah, blah. Sooo irritating and clingy. Why did I even have sex with him
in the first place? I guess he was hot, but the only thing that really
turned me on last night was knowing that I took him away from Brian! It
still feels good when I think of the look on Brian's face. He had no
idea what hit him. In that single moment, I think he finally realized
that he's not as much of a god as he thinks he is...or as much as he
thinks that everyone else thinks he is...or as much as he thinks that I
think. Who am I kidding? He is a god...just a screwed-up god who doesn't
know how to show his emotions. I still love him. And if I was that guy
last night, no way would I have chosen me over Brian. I wonder if
Brian's mad at me? Why should I care?! Stop being pathetic! He's treated
me like shit ever since we met...most of the time anyway. This should
teach him a lesson not to think of me as a "back-up plan." From now on,
he's going to be my back-up plan!
Just checked my messages on my cell. Was sort of hoping Brian would have
called a few times. But there weren't even any "missed calls". Now, I
feel really depressed. Why do I do this to myself? I've got to grow up!
When he comes into the diner later I'm going to act completely cold, and
rub everything that happened in his face. See how he likes it for once!
06-17-01 - Episode 21
Just a few weeks away from graduation. Thank God! Everybody in school is
chatting about where they're going to college, and the stupid prom: what
they're wearing, who they're going with, what hotel they're going to
afterwards in order to attempt to convince some girl to have sex with
them. Blah-blah-blah. Who cares anyway? I'm just so glad to be getting
the hell out of that hole. I guess I should feel really happy inside,
but instead I feel kind of depressed. Why? I guess part of it is feeling
sort of left out of this whole prom thing. Once again the hetero world
has created a ceremony in which I can't take part. But is that really
it? Is that why I've been lying in bed for the last three hours, staring
at the ceiling? I guess what it really is - as usual - is Brian. I'm
just so sick of writing his name, whining about him. Brian, Brian,
Brian, Brian. When am I going to grow up? But I can't stop thinking that
in a short while it won't just be the end of school, but also the end of
"Brian and me." (Whatever that means!) I know once he moves to NYC that
will be the last I see of him. I can barely keep track of him here...but
when he moves to NYC there are going to be so many other guys that will
be taking his attention. I'll be lucky if he remembers me at all. I
guess I could try and visit him...but I'm tired of stalking him.
Besides, crossing state lines to stalk is beyond pathetic. I just want
him to want me. I just don't want him to leave.
06-24-01 - Episode 22
Prom's in a few hours. For some reason, I feel totally weird. Maybe I
feel all whacked out because high school is ending and I'm finally going
to have to grow up and be responsible. But then again, Michael and Brian
are 30 and I wouldn't exactly call them models of maturity. Why do I
feel so sad? Maybe "sad" is the wrong word. It's not like I'm going to
miss St. James or Chris Hobbs or Matt or Sean or most of my teachers. I
hate that school and all the homophobic assholes there, and I'm happy to
be getting out. It's been like prison. I guess I'm just feeling
"melancholy." That's a much better word for how I feel. It's like when
summer is coming to a close and you start to smell autumn coming, and
it's beautiful, but you know something is ending...something that will
affect you forever...I guess I just know that tomorrow everything will
be different. The prom will be over, and I'll be one step closer to the
future...to growing up. Why did I agree to go to this prom-thing anyway?
Well, at least I won't have to listen to Debbie tell me how much I'll be
missing while she shoves lemon bars down my throat. And, who knows,
maybe the captain of the football team will decide to come out to me
over the Chicken Kiev. Speaking of which...it's getting late. Gotta go
dress up like a good little homosexual.
гд-то когда-то я что-то из этого вроде встречала, а может и нет... а сейчас наткнулась...
и я понятия не имею, есть ли это сейчас на каких-нить квировских сайтах, может и есть, но я в диком восторге)
showtime в первые два сезона у себя на сайте публиковали кучу всякой долнительной инфы про героев, и характеристики персонажей, наверное видели многие, но...
там были дневники Джастина, Майкла, емейлы Брайана, дневник Эммета, записи Тэда
там было про Брайаново "guitly pleasure" - watching Justin sleep, и это было еще написано во время первого сезона!
That's where the information about Brian and Lindsay came from -- that they were students at Penn State and met in some Feminism class -- obviously back when Lindz was that "scary political dyke" and got Brian to sign the petition about date rape!
Дневник Джастина... от Showtime
кто это все писал неизвестно, и может это они так шутили, потому что напиши это кто-то из фанатов, там следовало бы крупно помечать ООС)) и это возможно объясняет некоторые традиции в квировском фанфикшине ))
и они все это удалили вроде после второго сезона, а gaedhal выложила то, что сохранила несколько лет спустся, но хотелось бы конечно заполучить это все, так что если кто знает где взять - дайте знать
итак, дневник Джастина, первый сезон 105-122! (е-мейлы Брайана потом))
читать дальше
JUSTIN'S SKETCHBOOK
01-07-01 - Episode 5
Brian said I didn't mean anything to him. Not sure I believe him. But he
also said something else that stuck in my mind: "You're the only one you
need. You're the only one you've got." That's what I used to think, but
I'm not sure I agree now. I know I've got my mom. She's totally cool
about the queer thing now. Why is Brian like that? So cold? I don't
think he really knows himself. He feels more for me than he knows. He
just doesn't know it yet. I think I could make Brian realize he needs
me. I wonder if Brian likes pierced nipples? Saw some guy with one the
other night at Babylon. Hot.
01-21-01 - Episode 6
The art show went great! Sold my drawing of Brian! (Don't know who
bought it, but it doesn't matter.) Now, I know I want to be an artist.
Lindsay (one of Brian's lesbians) teaches art and says I have "real
talent." The bad thing is my mom showed up. (Tell-a
-Daphne/Tell-a-phone!) Felt sort of weird with her there at the Gay and
Lesbian Center ... in front of all the queers looking at my drawings.
Then Brian showed up and kissed me right in front of EVERYONE... God, I
just hope she doesn't tell my father. Why does she want to become so
involved in my life?! Wish she'd just leave me alone! But I guess all
this drama is part of coming out ... part of "individuating" - just
learned that word from the Monarch Notes I was reading for Catcher in
the Rye. It means becoming more of an individual...becoming myself.
Speaking of which -- in honor of my new self -- I'm going to pierce my
nipple this weekend! Can't wait till Brian sees it! I know it'll drive
him wild!
01-28-01 - Episode 7
My father actually smashed Brian's car. He's gone completely insane.
What am I going to do? I never want to go home again. If Brian doesn't
let me stay with him I can always go to New York City and get a job or
something. But what'll I do? I've never worked before in my life. I
could sell my art. My drawings of Brian earned money from the show at
the Gay and Lesbian Center. I could do more. But will I be able to make
enough to live on?
I could become a hooker. Everyone says I'm hot enough. But could I
stomach having sex with old men? Are all the guys who go to male
prostitutes ugly? Maybe I could just have sex with hot guys for money?
Do hot guys pay for sex? I think Brian said something about paying for
sex once? (The hustler probably thought he had died and gone to heaven!)
Maybe there are a lot of hot guys out there that actually LIKE to pay
for sex. Okay, that's what I'll do if Brian doesn't let me stay with
him. I'll go to NYC and be a prostitute for hot-guys-who-like-to-pay-for-sex.
02-04-01 - Episode 8
Feel sort of numb today after everything that happened with my mom and
dad yesterday. When am I going to see them again? When am I going to see
Molly again? I guess everybody has to make a choice about leaving home
at some point, just wish it hadn't been as explosive as this. I guess
this is all part of growing up. Despite all the drama, last night ended
up sort of wonderful. Brian and I brought my stuff back and then just
sat quietly, ate that day-old jambalaya, drank wine, listened to Moby
and then made love. He really is a lot nicer than people think...he
tries to hide his soft side from everyone, but he hasn't been able to
hide it from me. Maybe that's why our relationship's different than his
others. I wish he'd talk to me about his family. Where are they? What's
his relationship to his father? He keeps that all such a mystery as if
he wasn't born at all...as if he sprang from the head of Zeus like in
that Apollo myth. I wouldn't be surprised...he is sort of a god.
02-11-01 - Episode 9
Watching Brian sleep. So beautiful...I can't believe how much I'm in
love with him. Does it always feel like this...like it hurts? What do I
like best about him...the way his chin curls up toward his lower lip?
The way his eyes are half innocent and half evil?
Brian
by
Justin Taylor
Long, sleek body...sleeping eyes...
Mouth wounded and slightly open...
Soul like a formidable stone wall...forbidding, excluding, banishing,
yet beautiful in its Fortitude, and covered with clinging ivy
Like me...
With roots, like claws, grabbing deep into the cracks and crevices which
hide secrets...
The ivy digs in its fingers, pointlessly trying to break the wall
open... nothing... for centuries... millennia...until it has grown so
lush, so strong,
The wall cannot withstand It ... breaks...
Brian would kill me if I showed him that. Maybe someday.
Where should I apply for school? If I leave Pittsburgh I'd lose
Brian...If I stay, I might go crazy. I'll apply to at least four
different schools and whichever accepts me is where I'll go. What if
they all accept me?
NYU? Great environment for queers. Far from Pitts..but not too far.
Carnegie Mellon? Get to see Brian, but not really where I want to go.
Penn State? Yuck. But it's cheap...just in case mom and dad refuse to
pay. Berkeley? Near SF...very far away, good school...expensive.
Saw Chris in the locker room the other day. He gave me major
attitude...but then I caught him checking me out in the shower, and he
was starting to get a hard-on! He nearly slipped when he ran out.
Hypocrite!
02-18-01 - Episode 10
Man, NYC was AMAZING!!!! I have to move there... the lights, the energy,
and the men. And I didn't see much more than 8th Avenue and my hotel.
But even that was more exciting than Pittsburgh will ever be. I hate
Pennsylvania... same old people, same old stupid steel towns. It has to
be the worst state in the country. I'm definitely going to apply to more
schools in NYC.
Parsons
Dartmouth
Brown
NYU
Columbia
Other art schools?
I also heard there's this place called the Art Student's League where
Georgia O'Keeffe studied. It's supposed to be real cheap. I need to send
away for a brochure.
Maybe I could support myself by Go-Go dancing, modeling, and posing nude
for artists; then I could also learn from them. Then after I graduate
Brian could move out here and we could live in one of those lofts in
Chelsea, and he could open an ad agency on Madison Avenue... while I
paint at home and Go-Go dance at night.
Tuesday, 4 p.m.
Been a couple days now living here at Debbie's. This place is SOOOOO
tacky. Where did she get all this awful furniture? Salvation Army I
guess. She's nice though, and so is Vic. He must be a hundred. I feel
really sad that he's sick... what must that be like? It's funny, you
really don't see guys his age around much. Guess a lot of them passed
away... or do they just not go out?
Brian wasn't answering his phone, so I went to see if he was at Woody's.
He wasn't there, meaning he was probably with somebody, doing his
"thing." Pissed me off. He can make love to me just 24 hours ago... make
love like he means it, and then go and do this. Well, I can do the same
thing... and I did. Hot Irish guy named Fergel - weird name -- not too
old - like 22 or 23 I guess... exchange student at Carnegie Mellon. Dark
and brooding and really kind of handsome - the son of an undertaker in
Belfast... How cool was that! He had a nice body, but not a lot of
muscles, but sexy, hairy, black eyes... Didn't do anything intense
sex-wise... just basics. I had a good time, but he kept looking like he
was confused, as if he might cry. Think he might be new at this. When we
were finishing up Fergel accidentally got some "stuff" on one of
Michael's comic books. He'll kill me if he finds out.
02-25-01 - Episode 11
Cleaning up Brian's mess... it's so depressing here. All the party
stuff, photos of Michael and Brian - it feels more like the aftermath of
a funeral than a party. Brian's walking around like he's in some kind of
black hole. Every time I say something funny or sexy or anything at all,
he just scowls (more than usual) and tells me to shut up. He doesn't
even want to fool around! I can't stand this! Something tells me he
wasn't just being self-centered this time... there's something going on
between Michael and him that I don't know about. (I know it's not sex -
since Brian gets that everywhere else.) But I also know he didn't do
this by accident. I bet Brian somehow thinks that by cutting Michael
off, he'll be giving Michael a chance with that old doctor guy. That has
to be it! Brian may be full of himself more than other people, but he
loves Michael, I know that... he's the one person (other than me) that
Brian cares more about than himself. I've got to do something about
getting these two back together. I think if they can just talk - see -
how much they mean to each other... then maybe there will be a chance. I
hate to see people lose friends, family... can't it all work out?
03-04-01 - Episode 12
Thank God, I got Brian and Michael talking again. Brian's always a
little bit grumpy (except when he's having sex), but he was unbearable
without Michael. This whole thing has helped me figure Brian out. He
pushes people away that he loves... Michael, his parents, ME -
everybody. I think he must've been hurt when he was a kid or something
and this is how he tries to protect himself. Well, sorry about that
Mister Kinney, but you can't push me away. I'm here to stay... whether
you like it or not. Doubt if he'll even acknowledge that I was the one
that got Michael and him back together - doesn't matter, I got what I
wanted last night.
This whole thing between them made me think that I might be good at
counseling. If I don't become a famous artist, fashion model or go-go
boy, I might consider becoming a therapist or a diplomat. Or maybe I'll
do all of the above... diplomat by day, go-go boy at night. Or I could
counsel fashion models... male fashion models!!!!!
03-11-01 - Episode 13
Brian "harass" somebody?! I can't believe what that Kip guy is doing!
That's so screwed up! That's whacked! I saw the guy and he's ugly as
dirt...relative to Brian that is. I mean he's okay if you like that
nerdy, boy-next-door, probably-jerks-off-to-Fortune-magazine sort of
look. Brian rejects a million like him in one night at Babylon. He'll
never get away with his lawsuit. Somebody's got to stop him. If Brian or his boss don't...I will.
4 p.m.
At work, busing tables. Man, I don't want to be here tonight. Told
Debbie I needed to take a break to work on studying for my SATs. She's a
sucker for "anything that'll make Sunshine get to go to school to become
a great queer artist like Michelangelo, or Da Vinci or Andy Warhol
or...." Blah Blah Blah. She's like the walking encyclopedia of
homosexuality. She's so over the top, it's incredible. I'm starting to
like her tho...I guess I should since she's more of a parent to me than
my own. I wish my mom could care for me as much as Debbie does for
Michael. But like Brian says, you've got to look out for yourself or no
one else will. Damn. Break's over. Time to serve some slop to the early
bird set...or as Debbie likes to say "Mealtime For Mary." As God as my
witness, I will not be doing this when I'm her age.
03-18-01 - Episode 14
Brian's babysitting Gus this weekend. I offered to help. It'll be like
we're a real family. I can sort of tell Brian's gonna miss going to the
Leather Ball... he keeps talking about how wild it was last year.
(What's the big deal anyway?) Ted says the entire club renamed the Back
Room the "Brian Kinney Room." I can believe it... then again this whole
city is a little bit like Brian's back room. (But I'm the only one who
gets to come back again and again! Some day he's going to admit how important I am to him!)
Brian keeps saying that he's bored with the Leather Ball anyway, so he
doesn't mind missing it. But this, of course, can mean: A) He really,
REALLY wants to go, or B) He's really bored with it. Remember, he's
always saying how bored he is with me - AND LOOK WHO'S STILL HERE!!!
Walked over to Mom's house yesterday. Saw Molly playing in the yard, saw
Dad working in the garage. They didn't see me. I walked around the back
and saw Mom was in the kitchen reading at the table. Thought about going
in, but I couldn't. Something's changed forever there. Or I've changed
forever. They'll always be my family...but I also have this other family
now. In a way, I'm really lucky. Maybe someday I'll have both... but not now. Definitely, not now.
04-01-01 - Episode 15
I got a 1500 on my SATs! I can't wait to tell Brian and Debbie. This'll
definitely help me get into a good school. I decided to skip applying to
Berkley and NYU...one's too far, and the other...don't think I'm ready
for New York. Someday, but not yet. So I'm going to apply to Dartmouth
(Dad's school) and Brown (great school for the arts). I'm also going to
apply to the Pittsburgh Institute of Fine Art. They get a ton of apps -
like 2,000 or something -- and only take about 50 students. If I went
there I could really pursue being an artist, and still get to see Brian.
Should I even be thinking about that? It's not like we're in a
relationship...as he keeps reminding me. Wherever I go the most
important thing is that I'm getting the hell out of St. James prep. The
homophobic comments and innuendo are getting more and more obvious
everyday. That place is so narrow-minded. Worst of all is Chris Hobbs.
One of these days he's going to say something and I'm gonna remind him
in front of everyone, about our little "encounter" during detention.
Asshole.
11 p.m. Sitting at the counter at the Diner...
Just heard Brian's dad is dying. Cancer. I wanted to hug him and let him
know I'd be there for him. But, as usual, Brian's being cold about it.
SO FRUSTRATING! But I know stuff's happening inside him. Can't imagine
what I'd feel like if my parents died...especially my mom. I'd want to
die myself. God, I don't even want to think about it. Makes me sad. I
would feel so lost.
Just started calling my mom, but then hung up. I'm gonna wait another
week...if she doesn't call me, maybe I'll call her.
04-08-01 - Episode 16
It felt great telling off Chris Hobbs in front of all of Liberty Avenue.
For a moment I felt like the hero of all homosexuality...except for
Brian that is. I thought he'd be proud of me for standing up for myself,
but I could tell he thought I went too. He said that I've made Chris
into a "real enemy." So, now I feel like an immature idiot...like I
stooped to his level. It's so hard to know how to fight homophobia the
right way, the effective way. If straights are bashing us shouldn't we
bash back? Isn't it best to show them we're not little sissies by using
force against them - the same way they use it against us? Brian's done
it. He even said he broke some jock's fingers in high school. And what
about when that car dealer made that homophobic slur and he ran that SUV
through the dealership window? He's such a hypocrite...but maybe he's
right. Debbie says the same thing. Educating and informing the bigot is
much more constructive than violence. But how can I "educate and inform"
when the damn St. James Academy won't even let me start a "Gay Straight
Alliance?" I'm so frustrated. What are they afraid of? Sometimes I feel
like just giving up...I only have a few more months of this shit, and
then I can say goodbye to St. James, Chris Hobbs and all the other
bigoted dweebs in Pittsburgh. That's what I'll do...just keep a low
profile, act like the good, little silent homo and try to ignore any
comments. But then I'd be worse than them...because I'd be letting them
win, letting them beat me down for just being myself. And what about the
other queers who come along and have to put up with their abuse? Screw
that! I'll be damned if I'm letting them win!
04-15-01 - Episode 17
It's about 4 a.m. Can't sleep. Got an acceptance letter from Dartmouth
today. I guess Mom and Dad will be happy. Especially Dad. But am I? Is
that where I want to go? Do I really want to study business, and spend
40 years of my life in a job I hate like Dad did? No. I want to be an
artist. But, I guess it's not practical. What's practical? Loving Brian
isn't practical, being openly gay in high school isn't practical,
certainly starting a Gay-Straight Alliance wasn't practical. These were
just things I HAD TO DO. Because they were right. If I actually got into
the Pittsburgh Institute of the Arts it might prove to Mom and Dad that
I really have the talent to make it as an artist. Does that even matter?
Brian just woke up and asked me why I wasn't asleep. I told him I was
too excited about the acceptance letter. He sort of grumbled (as usual)
and went back to sleep. He's snoring very lightly. The folds of his
nostrils are flaring in and out, and his eyelashes look especially long
when his eyes are closed. He really looks just like a little boy right
now...completely innocent...just like Gus. Maybe that's why I can't
leave Pittsburgh yet...maybe I'm just rationalizing staying with him?
No. I know I want to be an artist whether I'm with Brian or not...just
would prefer it was with him. Uh-oh, the sleeping monster just woke up
again and threatened to toss me on the couch if I don't stop writing.
So...goodnight sketchbook. Hopefully tomorrow will bring some decisions...
04-22-01 - Episode 18
I was heading home after work last night and passed a building that was
being torn down. Outside was a dumpster filled with a bunch of old
stuff...some of it looked like it might be valuable, so I looked inside
and found this really old wedding photo of this couple. It had to be
from the 1930s or 40s. I started to wonder why it would have been thrown
out at all. I mean, even if they were dead, wouldn't their children or
relatives have kept it? They were both really beautiful. The bride
looked like she was Latina and the groom was this handsome blonde man,
and they both looked incredibly in love. How could someone stop caring
what happened to the photo? Maybe he turned abusive, or she cheated on
him, or they died completely alone in the world. God, it makes me feel
so depressed. Why does love end? How could my parents give up on what
they had? I know they loved each other. I remember seeing them together
when I was little...like they couldn't get enough of each other. I
remember thinking when I first met Brian that our kisses were the same.
That the kisses meant more then just sex. It seems impossible for that
to disappear. But I guess I'm being naïve in thinking that it can't. I
guess in my mother's attempt to be open about who I am, she saw my
father in a different way. It's like any maternal instinct to protect
her children. But why does her love for him and me have to be mutually
exclusive? Why does my own self-realization have to screw up other people?
Late at night. I was thinking about the paint supplies that Mel and
Lindsay gave me. They are the first real, professional supplies I ever
had. Just owning them for a moment made me feel like a real artist...and
the fact that Lindsay believes in me.
04-29-01 - Episode 19
Daphne's still freaked out about the sex. I knew this would happen. Why
did I do it? I should have followed my instincts. I feel so sick right
now. Her face...in the CD store...it looked so different. I've never
seen her look that way. It's like she's changed into someone else. It's
so stupid. I mean, it was only sex...it's not like it was love. It's not
like she hasn't heard me time and time again say I'm queer. I guess it's
just because she's a girl. I mean, I would never fall in love with
someone just because I had sex with them. Why can't things go back to
the way they were before?
06-10-01 - Episode 20
My "King of Babylon" crown is hanging on the lamp. I still can't believe
I won that stupid contest. I also can't believe I drank as much as I
did. Bad hangover...like someone put a vice on my head last night. There
is no way I'll pass my trig quiz today. Screw it, I'm the damn King of
Babylon, and the King has declared this a royal day off. The trick from
last night stuck his number in my pocket. As if I'd call him. I don't
think so. He was really weird. Kept going on and on about how smooth my
skin was, and how much I reminded him of a young Brad Pitt, and how
great a lover I was and how he wanted to go on a "real" date...blah,
blah, blah. Sooo irritating and clingy. Why did I even have sex with him
in the first place? I guess he was hot, but the only thing that really
turned me on last night was knowing that I took him away from Brian! It
still feels good when I think of the look on Brian's face. He had no
idea what hit him. In that single moment, I think he finally realized
that he's not as much of a god as he thinks he is...or as much as he
thinks that everyone else thinks he is...or as much as he thinks that I
think. Who am I kidding? He is a god...just a screwed-up god who doesn't
know how to show his emotions. I still love him. And if I was that guy
last night, no way would I have chosen me over Brian. I wonder if
Brian's mad at me? Why should I care?! Stop being pathetic! He's treated
me like shit ever since we met...most of the time anyway. This should
teach him a lesson not to think of me as a "back-up plan." From now on,
he's going to be my back-up plan!
Just checked my messages on my cell. Was sort of hoping Brian would have
called a few times. But there weren't even any "missed calls". Now, I
feel really depressed. Why do I do this to myself? I've got to grow up!
When he comes into the diner later I'm going to act completely cold, and
rub everything that happened in his face. See how he likes it for once!
06-17-01 - Episode 21
Just a few weeks away from graduation. Thank God! Everybody in school is
chatting about where they're going to college, and the stupid prom: what
they're wearing, who they're going with, what hotel they're going to
afterwards in order to attempt to convince some girl to have sex with
them. Blah-blah-blah. Who cares anyway? I'm just so glad to be getting
the hell out of that hole. I guess I should feel really happy inside,
but instead I feel kind of depressed. Why? I guess part of it is feeling
sort of left out of this whole prom thing. Once again the hetero world
has created a ceremony in which I can't take part. But is that really
it? Is that why I've been lying in bed for the last three hours, staring
at the ceiling? I guess what it really is - as usual - is Brian. I'm
just so sick of writing his name, whining about him. Brian, Brian,
Brian, Brian. When am I going to grow up? But I can't stop thinking that
in a short while it won't just be the end of school, but also the end of
"Brian and me." (Whatever that means!) I know once he moves to NYC that
will be the last I see of him. I can barely keep track of him here...but
when he moves to NYC there are going to be so many other guys that will
be taking his attention. I'll be lucky if he remembers me at all. I
guess I could try and visit him...but I'm tired of stalking him.
Besides, crossing state lines to stalk is beyond pathetic. I just want
him to want me. I just don't want him to leave.
06-24-01 - Episode 22
Prom's in a few hours. For some reason, I feel totally weird. Maybe I
feel all whacked out because high school is ending and I'm finally going
to have to grow up and be responsible. But then again, Michael and Brian
are 30 and I wouldn't exactly call them models of maturity. Why do I
feel so sad? Maybe "sad" is the wrong word. It's not like I'm going to
miss St. James or Chris Hobbs or Matt or Sean or most of my teachers. I
hate that school and all the homophobic assholes there, and I'm happy to
be getting out. It's been like prison. I guess I'm just feeling
"melancholy." That's a much better word for how I feel. It's like when
summer is coming to a close and you start to smell autumn coming, and
it's beautiful, but you know something is ending...something that will
affect you forever...I guess I just know that tomorrow everything will
be different. The prom will be over, and I'll be one step closer to the
future...to growing up. Why did I agree to go to this prom-thing anyway?
Well, at least I won't have to listen to Debbie tell me how much I'll be
missing while she shoves lemon bars down my throat. And, who knows,
maybe the captain of the football team will decide to come out to me
over the Chicken Kiev. Speaking of which...it's getting late. Gotta go
dress up like a good little homosexual.
@темы: давным-давно на Sho.com, интересности QAF, дневники Джастина, древности QAF
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02.01.2011 в 12:40неожиданность какая)
прям подарки сыпяццо один за одним))
спасибо))
*ушол читать*
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02.01.2011 в 12:42да уж))
*ушол читать*
давай, давай) поделись потом... блин, мне тож надо целиком прочитать)
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02.01.2011 в 13:06а то я только в общих чертах поняла...
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02.01.2011 в 13:11а то я только в общих чертах поняла...
хороший вопрос)
я спрошу у Насти, которая Медведица, все-такими такими глобальными квировскими вещами как-то в моем сознании она у нас заведует))
если ее не вдохновит - будем думать) я считаю, что перевести это надо обязательно
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02.01.2011 в 13:29буду ждать с нетерпением)))
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02.01.2011 в 13:45-
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02.01.2011 в 13:58Это как допматериалы к сериалу считать или просто фанфики?
ну, я не очень знаю, что ответить... наверное каждый это может считать на выбор, как ему больше нравится,
но как я уже сказала это, насколько я понимаю официально публиковалось showtime, на официальном сайте сериала, наряду с характеристиками героев, фотографиями, интервью, закадровыми всякими деламии доп материалами
хотя фанфиками они определенно увлекались - они конкурсы какие-то проводили)
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02.01.2011 в 14:49-
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02.01.2011 в 15:32вот и я обалдела)
и омг, Джастин написал про Брайана стихи)
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02.01.2011 в 15:33дадада! просто прелесть что такое!
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02.01.2011 в 15:45да
это прямо я даж не могу описать))
а вообще очень интересная вещица,
спасибо Саш))
все таки любопытственно очень сценаристы это писали или нет..
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02.01.2011 в 15:57-
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02.01.2011 в 16:02нет... я так не думаю)
ну не могли люди реально писавшие серии написать такое, мне кажется) уж как-то больно не в духе) не знаю... но то, что это писалось с согласия и ведомства создателей - это наверняка... кем... может это уже давно и не тайна записи эти всплыли в 2006, но только вот как найти эту инфу
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02.01.2011 в 16:04на здоровье)
и как часто бывает, нашла я это ваще случайно, искала то что-то про Рэндичку, конечно))
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02.01.2011 в 20:01-
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03.01.2011 в 13:03-
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03.01.2011 в 13:08просто герой!)
tunka-s глюк какой-то...
в смысле?) глупые дневники?)
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03.01.2011 в 13:13ну глупые, это как-то сильно. Тут все вместе - неожиданно (факт их сушествования!), наивно, немного глупо может-быть - ну ГЛЮК! В любом случае интересно очень почитать! Спасибо.
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04.01.2011 в 16:00это точно)))
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04.01.2011 в 16:19ладно, вечером дочитаю!!!
спасибо за находку!))
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05.01.2011 в 15:45)))))))))) уже тогда задумали в НЙ его отправить, негодяи!!!)))
читать дальше
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05.01.2011 в 16:08абсолютно согласна... Странный немножко дневник
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05.01.2011 в 20:25ну, согласна) надо было напсать скорее глупенькие) хотя "наивные" их очень хорошо охарактеризовыва(блин, ну и слово)ет.
yennifaire уже тогда задумали в НЙ его отправить, негодяи!!!)))
или просто воспользовались идеей из этого дневника))
смешно, ваще интересно конечно, когда они придумали сплавить его в НЙ в финале...
все же по сериалу Джастин был поумнее, чем этот текст)) тут такое ощущение, что мальчику вообще 13-14 лет)
да и да!) но мне почему то даже нравится, что эти дневники.. такие, хотя возможно, будь они другими, тоже бы нравились)) эх)
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11.01.2011 в 09:50хах) а мне тут камент оставили на перевод "first kiss - kind of"... сразу вот это вспомнилось)
прям фик по этой цитате написан)