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Тед - Ledger


01-07-01 - Episode 5

I'm 33 years old. That means for the last 12 years I've gone to gay bars an average of four times a week, 51 weeks a year (Subtracting 2 days for sickness and 2 days for Christmas and Easter when the bars are closed) for the last 12 years...that's 2,448 times standing in dark corners, lusting after unobtainable men since I turned 21. In that time I've attempted to meet an average of three people a night ...that's 7,344 men. (Subtracting approximately 23 for those brave souls with whom I've had "full-on" sex - and who, I might add, never called me again.)

This means, in my relatively short life, I've been rejected by 7321 men and have had one near-death experience. (Sometimes I hate being an accountant.) When you think about it, a rat wouldn't find his way through a maze if there wasn't cheese at the end ... and he certainly wouldn't try it 2,448 times! That does it! NO MORE GAY CLUBS! If being in that coma taught me anything it's this: There is no "dream man" at the end of the Babylon maze - there isn't even cheese.

There's just attitude, vapid twinkies, dangerous drugs and enough disappointment that any sane man would run in the other direction. SO RUN ALREADY! Hasn't my near death experience taught me anything? Yes. It has. It's taught me that life is short - too short to spend it being rejected by men I DON'T EVEN LIKE. I know there are good men out there - they just aren't in the clubs ... or, at least, aren't visible in the clubs - maybe they're wearing some type of club camouflage? Or maybe that's my problem - maybe I'm dressed like the wallpaper at Babylon.

They certainly treat me that way. I just need to look elsewhere - there are lots of other ways to meet guys. I just need to stop focusing on what they look like or how young they are or how big their muscles are. Face it. We're all gonna be old some day, and none of us will be able to count on our physical beauty - not even Brian. I just want to meet someone with whom I can really share my life with ... a soul-mate .. with cheese.

01-21-01 - Episode 6

Ran into Blake in the bathroom of Babylon. He's the asshole who gave me the GHB that put me into a coma -- Anyway, while we both were at the urinals he informed me he didn't just run out on me after I passed out. He called 911 from the corner -- perhaps this is just a small consolation, but it did restore my confidence in the queer community ... somewhat. However, just as I was about to ask him on a second date - yes I AM that pathetic -- I discovered he has a boyfriend. What God gives with one hand, he takes away with the other.

On a more depressing note ... (Yes it actually can get more depressing!) I aborted my attempt to meet men in a more "nurturing and stimulating environment" (aka Date Bait) My feeble escapade with Roger (Carnegie Mellon Voice Teacher who NEVER WORKED OUT IN HIS LIFE) can be compared with the Hindenburg on the scale of disasters - well maybe worse since the Hindenburg was at least able to get it up. I, needless to say, wasn't. What's wrong with me? He was everything I said I wanted - on an intellectual/emotional level. But I just couldn't develop an attraction for him. Trying as hard as I did just made it worse. The good thing is I realized being alone is far more desirable than being with someone you have no attraction for. Say what you want about sex...but sexual compatibility is important in the end. I guess I'm still willing to live with my dream that I will be able to have it all: a man I both desire and like. Hell, despite what Emmett thinks, being over 30 doesn't mean life's over. I can wait until at least 40 before I have to settle for mushy-assed choir masters - and maybe by then I'll find it attractive. Then again - maybe not.

01-28-01 - Episode 07

Why am I feeling so left out in my own life? Everything I talk about, or think about seems to be about Michael and David or Brian and Justin...like the only people that matter around this town are the "pretty ones." Even when Emmett and I are alone, that's all we discuss: Brian and Michael's sex lives. I don't even feel like I'm the protagonist in my own story anymore. I'm just the incidental character who stands on the sidelines and comments acerbically about how Brian is breaking the heart of yet another unsuspecting victim! Or how Michael isn't living up to his potential as a hottie....Arrrgh! Who the hell cares?! (I do obviously.)

But what about me?!! I guess I just need to accept the fact that they live - or maybe everybody does -- a more interesting life than I live. Maybe, this isn't going to change. Maybe, I should have stayed with what's-his-name (the choir director) and try to be happy spending Saturday nights watching reruns on TBS and imagining Roger didn't have the body of a young Ernest Borgnine... This is a really depressing thought, but at least I wouldn't be alone. Then again, maybe I should have stayed in the coma - at least people seem to notice me when I was nearly dead. Jesus! Listen to me! Get over it, Ted! Enough with the Pity Party! Cheer the hell up! Think I'll go rent a video (fifth one is free tonight!) and crack open some Ben and Jerry's....not a depression yet that can't be cured with a pint of Chunky Monkey and some quality time with my favorite porn stars.

02-04-01 - Episode 8

Thought I'd take a break from porn and masturbation this week. I don't think I've gone two days (apart from my coma) since I was 13 without having a wank at some photo or video of a naked stranger. Decided this obsession with fantasy men has kept me from settling for the guys with whom I could actually have a relationship - guys that aren't perfect. So, instead of watching a bevy of Eastern European Porn stars romp around nude, I got a book of Walt Whitman's poetry from the public library and started an investigation of my soul instead of my genitals. Unfortunately, I started with that part of Song of Myself where he talks about all those young men swimming naked ...Got me totally worked up and....Guess I'll just say I lost the book and pay the fine. God, that Walt Whitman! It was like a 19th century version of Honcho for Ye Old Queer. What can I say ... I'm weak. I could find the Rice Krispies box hot if Snap, Crackle and Pop would show just a little more damn skin.

02-11-01 - Episode 09

# of men who rejected me this week = 5 (6 if you count the hottie at the video store who wouldn't acknowledge me because he was fixated on this other customer with bigger biceps than me.)

# of porn videos rented = 7

Goals for this week - Same as last week:

1. Save Money.
2. Work Out More.
3. Do something positive for myself.
4. Attempt to Meet One Potential Boyfriend.

Ways I failed on my goals last week:

* "Save Money" - Spent a fortune on new porn...favorite was new porn-kung fu movie Sucking Tiger, Humping Lion- Mediocre sex...except the hot scene where the Kung Fu Master took a sauna with a pool boy. Why do porn stars have to talk? They all have nelly voices. Can't they just dub a butch guy's voice like they did in the 70s?
* "Work out more intensely" - Spent nearly 10 hours in the gym this week, but worked out about 3. We always end up looking at everyone else's muscles rather than working on our own. Or I'll say something about how I want a chest like Russell Crowe's and then Emmett will start an argument about who's cuter Russell Crowe or that new Irish actor that was in Tigerland. Today, I stopped working out because I wanted to cruise the sauna without Emmett blabbering away...I thought I saw this total stud give me a look...but he might have been checking out the clock. (Think his name is Buck, or Chuck or something else butch and monosyllabic.) But when I slithered into the steam I saw Brian was there bobbing for boyfriends, so it was pointless. Cruising a sauna with Brian is like studying physics with Stephen Hawking....humbling.
* "Do Something Positive For Myself" - Well...uh ... maybe next week.
* "Meet one potential boyfriend"- Cruised the new Brazilian coffee guy at Starbucks. Tried to break the ice when he asked me what I wanted to drink...I said "How 'bout a Hot-Single-Brazilian-Mochacchino-Latino"... He just stared at me with this look that was slightly south of contempt. I hate my life. I suck. I SOOOOO suck!

02-18-01 - Episode 10

* # of sex partners this week - 0
* # of times I've been rejected - 13! (An all-time record thanks to our trip to Chelsea!)
* # of porn videos rented - only 1. ("Sex Toy Story 3")

God, all those hotties in Chelsea. I think I'll stay right here in Pittsburgh, where there's still the inkling of a chance I'll get laid. The road trip wiped me out. Slept like a baby until about 5 a.m. when I woke up -- wet dream again - I can't believe I still have these. (Wonder if something is physically wrong?) God knows I whack off enough. Same old dream: Mikey and me... going to Disney World together. This time we're on Space Mountain and we go around this sharp corner. He pulls my arms around him tight, and then suddenly slips something into my hand - his favorite Captain Astro comic book... and suddenly I know that he loves me, so I ask him if he wants to cut the line and go on the ride again. He says he'll think about it, and I get really excited just because he's thinking about it... YOU ARE SO PATHETIC TED! Your fantasies are even boring! You can't even have a real erotic dream about someone... for God's sake at least get to second base!

Saw my parking lot paramour at the Supermarket again tonight. He is SO hot. He doesn't even look at me now. Asshole.

02-25-01 - Episode 11

* # of sex partners - 1 and a half (long story, no time)
* # of porn videos watched - 23 (busy week - should maybe seek help.)
* # of times I was rejected - ONLY TWO! (Mostly because I haven't really tried and Michael's moving in with David has put a damper on my going out.)

I feel completely weird today... depressed and lost and... What is going on? I guess Michael moving in with David has made me even more depressed than usual. Yet, I suppose I'm happy for him... or should be... just wish it was me. (Here comes Mr. Pathetic again!) But, then again... I think it's not just that... it's that everything feels different now. I think it's really because Brian and Michael aren't friends anymore, and our group has sort of fallen apart. As much as I hate Brian Kinney for what he did - not to mention that he treats me like troll-dirt - Brian and Michael's friendship was sort of the centerpiece for this little dysfunctional family we had. Now it's gone. Maybe that's why Emmett is acting so weird. (I can't believe he turned down that doctor's assistant guy!) I should just get away from Pittsburgh -- move to Columbus, Ohio or something. Some place with new people. No one should ever live in the same city their entire life. Heard Columbus is good for queers that want to settle down. Maybe, the change would be really good for me... maybe I'll finally stop thinking about Michael. Or maybe someplace more obscure where the competition will really be low - Butte, Montana? I bet I could find some gorgeous queer guy who doesn't know that there are other queers out there and he'll just fall head over heals in love with me. Possibly he'd find me charmingly humble instead of pathetic. We could move into some obscure cabin in the mountains so he'd never discover other men... Nice dream. Then again if I moved to Montana I'd probably end up the only single queer man within a thousand miles and end up dating a sheep... then again, I'd probably be the first man on earth rejected by gay live stock.

03-04-01 - Episode 12

NOTE THIS MIRACLE!

* # of sex partners in last week = 7 !!!! (An all time high!)
* # of times rejected = 3 (An all time low!)
* # of porn videos rented = Zilch! (Who needs 'em! I'm a sex machine!)

Thanks to my symbiotic relationship with Brian (AKA "Collecting Brian's Rejects"), I've completely changed my luck with men. Who knew there were so many men out there desperate for accounting help! Maybe it's all those numbers I spout out that distracts them? Who cares! Last night my "buddy" Brian and I were playing pinball - actually Brian was playing alone while I either bought him beers or stood on the side and pathetically watched, saying things like "Good one, Bri! Man look at those points!" Then this tourist from Quebec started to hit on Brian. He was total 100% Canadian beef and unbelievably hot -- even hotter than the 6 preceding hotties that were so hot they broke all the hottie-ness records to date! Anyway, Brian, still depressed over his fight with Michael, told Jean Claude (Even his name was hot!) to take a hike. Jean Claude started to walk away, totally deflated by Brian's rejection, muttering something in French which (I think) was the equivalent of "arrogant asshole." (Who knew Brian's attitude translates so clearly into Romance languages?) I quickly followed Jean Claude and started in on my sure-fire "tax advice" line... but then something horrible happened... Jean Claude asked me if I knew anything about Canadian tax laws. "Ugh!" I thought, "Damn these national borders!" I immediately fell into my old self-deprecating shuffle. But THEN something wonderful happened... he asked ME if I was Brian's boyfriend! Me! I stammered for a moment... and then I said: "Yes... but we're having some troubles. He just doesn't turn me on anymore, and he gets really jealous." Then I told him we better head outside or Brian was liable to throw a fit. And ya know what? He did! There's nothing a guy wants more than to cheat with the boyfriend of the guy who just rejected him! Call it the seductiveness of revenge. I guess I'm a jerk for lying... but like the tax laws, the laws of hooking up have lots of loopholes... especially for guys like me.

But... DISASTER JUST STRUCK!

Michael and Brian are talking! I mean, I'm glad for them, but... ARRRGH! This means Brian will be back with the boys and I'll be back with the VCR. I feel depressed. Maybe I should go buy a DVD player?

03-11-01 - Episode 13

* Tricks - 0
* Rejections - 0 (At least that's a good thing...except I haven't even tried.)
* Porn Tapes Rented - 0

I don't think I will ever speak to Emmett again as long as I live. The ingratitude! I'm out $1000 bucks, and he's not "out" at all! The least he could have done was tell me "thanks for the effort." I tried calling Zak O'Toole to get my money back, but he says there is a "no return" policy on private sessions. I said, "How do you "not return" a non-occurring sex act?" Then he just hung up. I am furious! I'd call the better business bureau but I don't think they have a category for hookers. They should. Hmmm? Good new business idea except for the legal problems. Maybe not. What am I thinking?! I'm not in my right head because of that damn Emmett! How can the queen of all queens think he can turn straight? Why would he want to? It just doesn't make sense. He was the one who was the first to claim his pride. It guts the very foundation of my sense of reality. Of course, the worst part of all of this is that I spent a grand on a hot guy and NO ONE GOT TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM! I'm going to call Zak one more time and try asking if he can at least give me a 15 minute session just for the sake of good business.

No go on the "good business practice" with Zak. But I did just get a delivery from his "personal assistant," a hot Honduran guy named Rodrigo - probably Zak's personal fluffer. He started saying something about Zak and his "P-Sigh-kick." I had no idea what he was saying until he pulled out a pocket dictionary and showed me the word "psychic." It seems Zak is into spiritualism and Karma...stuff like that. It seems he consulted his psychic on my suggestion of some compensation for the "non-event." So, this psychic (bless her clairvoyant little head) told him that the cards revealed that Zak needed to give something to a "small pathetic man who bestowed a large gift on him." That's me, of course! I was hoping the spirit world had said, "Give the pathetic guy his cash back" or at least an hour with Rodrigo. But instead, Rodrigo just handed me a large envelope and told me it was a gift from Zak and the spirit world. Money? No dice. Inside were two autographed pictures of Zak and his "buddy" circa 1983 (I think he's been surgically enhanced since then!) Bastard! I hereby swear I will never watch another Zak O'Toole film as long as I live - unless they ever do a DVD re-release of his infamous Tolstoy homage "Ward and His Piece" where Zak rapes the entire Russian Army - played by real Russians! (I suppose even I have my price.)

6 p.m.
Getting ready to go out to Woody's. I miss Emmett so badly right now. I'm imagining him criticizing absolutely every piece of clothing I own. Dressing boring just isn't fun without a queen to complain about it. Why couldn't he decide to change just his sex instead of his sexuality...I'd love to have had him as a transgendered fag hag. Now, I just have Michael and Brian - which makes me the only one who can't get a date in Pittsburgh.

03-18-01 - Episode 14

* Sex partners - 1.5 (Stopped in the middle of second - bathroom attendant walked in.)
* Number of times humiliated by rejection - 8 (Not bad, considering)
* Number of Porn videos rented - 8 (All this religious talk made me horny.)

Emmett is back with the One True Church - The Holy Temple of Queerness. Thank God. Now everything can get back to normal. And it is: Emmett is embarrassingly fabulous and gayer than Liberace at a Radical Faeries convention, Michael's dating David (but still secretly lusting over Brian), Brian's sleeping with everyone, Justin's mooning over Brian, and the lesbians are...well at least they're still lesbian. Then there's me...nothing's changed here. Still somewhat in love with Michael-but-clearly-getting-over-it. That's the biggest and best change I guess. Everything else is the same...always the same. Which is fine. Never been a big fan of change. It upsets the balance of nature. Anytime I try anything different I either end up embarrassing myself or in a coma. Stick with the basics: the three Ps: porn, perfunctory sex, and perpetual rejections. Good ol' Ted.

Leather Ball is coming up. Talk about embarrassing one's self! Why do gay men do leather? Where does that come from? We look bad enough wearing tight T-shirts - or at least I do. I would NEVER be caught dead in some pseudo-Gladiator drag. Have we no shame? Uh...come to think of it... no.

Time for lunch. Think I'll have tunafish.

04-01-01 - Episode 15

* Tricks - 1 ...One big one.
* Rejections 0 None Zilch!
* Porn videos rented 3 (not bad)
* Strap marks - 7!

Last night was...there are no words. I can't believe I did it. Me! Completely boring, totally predictable Ted...ME! A leather bottom! (One night only, thank you...I think?) First Dale made sure that I felt comfortable and trusted him. He gave me an "escape word" ("green")- He told me to say this if I wasn't comfortable doing something. Then so much happened next that I can't write about, just in case anyone ever finds this! But lets just say this, if before Dale Wexler I was a "a very boring tuna fish sandwich," after Dale Wexler I definitely am a satisfied plate of Mongolian beef stir fry...it was that wild! At first I struggled between feeling dirty and feeling thrilled. Ultimately, this whole leather thing isn't about "dirty sex"...it's a metaphor...it's about trusting another so much you let him take you into his fantasies...let him bring to life what he thinks your deepest psychological cravings are... God, what have I become? Will I ever get the wax out of my chest hair?

04-08-01 - Episode 16

* Sexual encounters - 1 (sauna - nothing special)
* Number of times rejected - 3 (not bad)
* Number of porn videos rented - 4 (all leather!)

Michael and David are still in Paris. Probably having the time of their lives. Good for Michael. He deserves it. This will open him up to the world. Everyone needs to try new things. Gosh knows I did. My leather experience with Dale has made me look at life in an entirely new way. Been researching more about the "leather lifestyle" online and also started reading Masoch. (He's the philosopher "masochism" was named after.) I also bought this beginners guide to the Marquis De Sade. (I never knew how little I knew about him. Cool guy!) Went to the leather store and picked up a new leather jacket and hat. I can't believe I used to think leather guys were freaks. I'm not going to dress in leather 24/7, but I really think it's a good new hobby. And it's no different than Michael's comic books, or Emmett's collection of designer scarves and Barbra memorabilia. (Talk about masochism!) What scares me is how easy it was for me to change. What else might I do? What other "absolutely never" might suddenly become my "new hobby?" Who knows, maybe someday I'll do another complete turn around and become a cross-dressing-pierced-born-again-straight-Barbra-Streisand-fan who likes to watch "Touched By An Angel." Then again...maybe some things will never change.

Dale just called and told me about this big leather convention in Chicago on Memorial Day. He said it's the biggest leather convention in the world, and becomes this incredible scene where you can meet hot leather daddies from all over the world. They're selling weekend packages at Fair Leather Friend. I sort of want to go. Supposedly, even the lobby of the hotel becomes a mini-Sodom and Gomorrah...emphasis on Sodom. I can't imagine Emmett, Brian and Michael would want to go. Maybe that's good. Maybe it's time we started individuating, and finding ourselves on our own. Then again, I'd love to see Emmett in an aqua leather jump suit...but not before lunch.

04-15-01 - Episode 17

* Number of sex partners - 0
* Number of people who rejected me - seems like a million (really 8)
* Number of videos rented - 8 (all were lousy.)

God I'm horny...so unbelievably horny. It's been nearly two weeks since the last time I had sex, and it's all I'm thinking about. Maybe I have a problem...but then again almost everyone I know (the lesbians excluded) only thinks about sex. Maybe I'm just being affected by my environment. I guess it's not just sex I want; I WANT A DATE. A real date, with someone who tells me his real name, and doesn't immediately leave after sex, and doesn't have a boyfriend. Then again...just sex might be fine for now. I could call up Master Dale...but I'm not sure I'm in the mood for role-playing. Dale just doesn't do lite leather...what would one call that? Leather lite? Ultra suede? Naugahyde? Who knows? I just want a date...just one measly little date. Is that so much to ask? Well, at least tomorrow is Saturday and we're all going to Babylon and, as God as my witness, I'll meet at least one new guy who doesn't reject me!

04-22-01 - Episode 18

* Number of sex partners - 1
* Rejections - 0 (other than every time I look in the mirror and reject myself for being an ass)
* Porn Videos Rented - 0

I feel like such a jerk. Finding Blake might have been the best thing that ever happened to me, and I screwed it up...over a misplaced wallet! Now he'll never talk to me again. I wouldn't blame him. Why did I have to listen to Emmett?! I swear sometimes he just wants to keep me single because he can't handle a real relationship himself. The old "misery loves company" scenario. Maybe, I did this on purpose. I bet a therapist would say I have a tendency to crush my opportunities for love. But was it love? How can I know? I know I think about him in a way I never thought about anyone before...even Michael. I know I want to protect him, and help him, and make love to him, and do anything for him. I think it was love. I know it was the first time in my life it ever felt real; the first time anyone ever loved me back. If he did really love me? Did he? It certainly felt like it...the way he looked at me. I know Emmett would say I was just looking at life through some sort of penis telescope, but I wasn't. I know this time it was about my heart. Why aren't things more clear? I guess I could just move on the way every other gay man would...just chalk it up to a "bad date"... but I can't. That's why I'm different. I know when I first met Blake it was a nightmare, a mistake, but it was a mistake which gave me a new lease on life. Good and bad aren't clear-cut issues. Fate is not easy to judge. I know his moving in with me was a second chance for both of us. I've got to find him. I've got to.

04-29-01 - Episode 19

* Number of sex partners - 1 (Blake)
* Rejections - 0
* Porn Videos Rented - 0

Just put Blake to bed. He fell asleep listening to "La Traviata." I love how he's taken to opera like he was born to it. I can't wait to introduce him to La Bohème...although maybe I should lay off the tragic heroines for a while. Boy, that cuts out a lot of opera...unless we limit ourselves to Schoenberg.

Tomorrow, Blake starts going to NA meetings at the center. It's going to be hard for him, but I think he can do it. I know he can. I bought a book on recovery yesterday. A little scary. It says a person who is trying to stop using drugs or alcohol shouldn't be in a relationship until he's through his first year of sobriety. Worried me a bit, but then I realize that these are just general rules. Everybody's different. Blake and I aren't some stupid co-dependent couple who have been through this time and time again. I'm not going to hinder his becoming sober, I'm only here to help it. I'm going to have to keep my distance from the bars and clubs. Seeing that could screw Blake up. No, from now on, it's going to be only healthy living and lots of nights at home.

06-10-01 - Episode 20

Blake just went to the store to buy us some Chunky Monkey frozen yogurt. He is looking so healthy and strong these days. I'm so in love with him...and I know he loves me. It still doesn't feel real sometimes. I still have panic attacks that someone is going to take it away...or that I'm just imagining how good everything is. But it isn't a dream. He's really been able to stay off drugs...despite all my so-called "friends" saying he can't. Why do people like Emmett doubt that someone can change? It happens all the time. Change happens. People do get over drug addiction and alcoholism and sex addiction. Sure some people don't...or maybe even a large percentage of them don't...but those people aren't as dedicated to getting better as Blake is. They also don't have me supporting them, showing them that someone really cares. But everyone just wants to think the worst. Can't they see their doubt and distrust makes it harder for the person trying to heal? At least Michael is attempting to be his friend now. I knew he'd be able to see the goodness in Blake. In a way, Blake is a lot like Michael...it's just that Blake didn't have the guidance Michael had when he was growing up. By the time he was 16, his parents had practically tossed him out. Maybe if Blake had someone like Debbie, things would have turned out very differently. And after all, it's not like he wanted to have a problem with drugs. It's not like someone wakes up in the morning and says, "Hmm, today I think I'll be a drug addict." He screwed up. But he can also heal...and he is. He has even started to look for work. He's excited about it too. This morning he put on that really worn white oxford shirt he has - I think it's his only one - and went out to pound the pavement. I really need to do something to show him how proud I am of him...to show him I believe in him as much as he believes in himself. Maybe I should buy him a new dress shirt or a whole new suit for interviews. He'd like that.

06-17-01 - Episode 21

I have to remain calm. I can't jump to any conclusions. But I'm freaking. Really freaking. I found a vile of Meth in Blake's coat. It might be from before I met him. I don't want to jump to any conclusions. But the suit was new...but then again he might have pulled everything out of his pocket at once. I've done that before. You don't really look at the contents, you just scoop everything out and shove it in the new jacket. Or maybe he was holding it for a friend. (That would be just as bad...sort of.) Or maybe someone is trying to set him up and slipped it in his pocket. Am I in denial or what? I just will ask him later. Or tomorrow. I don't really want to think about it anymore.

06-24-01 - Episode 22

It's over. I know that now. Blake is gone, and I don't even know where he went. As soon as I left the rehab center I started to head to Woody's to see if he had gone there to find his drug dealer. But I stopped myself. What's the point? Maybe some day in the future he'll hit bottom again and finally be in a place to change. But how many times does he have to fall? I don't want to think about it. I need to take care of myself right now. I don't want to have every other thought be about him. But it's so hard.

Comments

[yurkina]

Саш, спасибо!
Очень рада, что Настя обрадовалась твоим находкам и дополнит Досье! С нетерпением буду ждать перевода