everybody’s a critic.(c) BK
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Эмметт - Memoir
01-07-01 - Episode 5
I can't believe the fashion faux pas of some of my friends!! Michael for example - has he learned nothing from me? He was ready to go out on a date practically dressed like a Q-Mart version of a medival nun! Doesn't he know: you gotta show some of the meat if you wanna make a sale! Anyway, I saved the day and did a complete makeover! After he left I watched some new porn - or rather some old porn from the 70s. A triple feature "Anvil 8", "Tool and Die3" and "Muscle Truckers 1" - I gather this wasn't very popular since there was only one in the series.
After my date with Rosy Palm and her five sisters, I watched a fabulous Gilligan's Island rerun. (Mary Anne got amnesia and thought she was Ginger.) Later I started watching more porn, but started thinking about the titles: Anvil? Tool and Die? Truckers? Why is it gay porn subjects always seem to deal with career choices gay men rarely make?
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More self - hate I assume. Why shouldn't we eroticize our most popular queer professions? Like "Graphic Design Studs 3" or "Hairdresser Hunks 8" or "Entertainment Lawyers in Lust 7" or "Dirty Art Director 4." Then again I could do one based on my own experience "Retail Slut: Dressing Room Domination 12" Oh well, I'm clearly before my time.
Emmett's Good-bye E-Mail to Katsuo
Dear Katsuo: I know you won't understand this, since you haven't taken the time to learn English - not to mention manners. But I figure someday you may trick-out with a Berlitz teacher and be able to read this. Anyway it doesn't really matter since I'm writing this for me. (Debbie says it will be therapeutic.) What you did to me was horribly unkind and wrong ... not to mention tacky.
I know it may be your "profession," but your imitation of love is far too realistic. I finally understand how Nealy O'Hara (as stunningly portrayed by Patty Duke) felt in Valley of the Dolls when she discovered that bastard husband of hers in the pool with that Hollywood floozy. Or how Maria Callas must've felt when Aristotle Onasis took up with Jackie Kennedy ... but, believe me, that guy you were with was NO JACKIE KENNEDY! Perhaps I was being naïve.
But you should at least carry English language business cards! My hand is practically shaking right now, but that could be the caffeine or perhaps a petit mal seizure brought on by a brain tumor YOU CAUSED by your selfishness! Anyway, by the time you read this I'll have moved on and be completely over you! And when you wake-up and realize what you've lost and how much you truly loved me don't even think about crawling back to me. I won't be waiting. You will mean nothing to me! N-O-T-H-I-N-G! (Look it up!) So, goodbye, arrivaderci, bon voyage, sionara (How do you spell this?), no hard feelings, and I wish you all the luck in the world.
Yours, Emmett
P.S. Please return my aqua Raymond Dragon, sleeveless-t shirt! I only gave it to you because I thought you were falling in love with me. You weren't, so you can't have it. Leave it on my doorstep -- AFTER you wash it. By hand, cold water, Woolite. And if you stretch it out I swear you'll be on your back so fast and not for money making purposes!
(After re-reading this e-mail around 17 times Emmett opted not to send it, but instead went on an online-spending spree, purchasing three identical pair of Prada slip-ons and some rather embarrassing underwear from the International Male online catalogue)
01-21-01 - Episode 6
Why are there so many desperate people in the queer world? Went to Date Bait the other night with Ted. What a mistake! Desperation is definitely last year's accessory. If Ted thinks these forced, phony, holier-than-thou, events to meet men are any better than the queer clubs, he's going to be horribly disappointed. The ONLY difference is one has the advantage of lower quality competition - meaning less attractive guys can finally get noticed since there aren't any Brian Kinneys around making everyone else look like trolls. A shallow fact, but horribly true. I know when I'm determined to score I make sure I'm at least 150 feet away from anyone better looking than me - and at least 275 feet away from Brian. The truth is Einstein probably discovered the theory of relativity while cruising a Berlin gay bar - If you stand next to Hunky Hans you have a much less chance of getting picked up than if you stand next to Ditmar the Dog-Faced Boy. Elementary Queer Physics 101. Why spit in the face of science?
I think Ted has realized he is going to have to accept that he's as shallow and vain as the rest of us. Date Bait = Dog Bait. It seems Mister Choir Director's baton just couldn't get Ted's attention - nor could his fashion sense for that matter. Where did that guy shop? Mister Roger's Neighborhood? But, good ol' Teddy's come home to the warmth and rejection of the bars. Hopefully, he now realizes that the only people that choose a partner based on their "inner beauty" or "common interests" are either women or the blind. And I'm not so sure about the blind.
01-28-01 - Episode 07
Drama last night at Babylon - as if it would be a typical night there without it. David, (Michael's hot Doctor-boyfriend) came to the club dressed all fabulous - i.e. Hunky and Trashy (just like I like 'em!), and then started dancing with ... guess who? (Betcha couldn't guess - Why am I talking to myself in my journal?) ... Brian! You could almost hear a gasp from the entire room - okay maybe just from Ted, Michael and I, but still... We all thought Brian had stolen yet another one of Michael's boyfriends. I swore Michael was gonna go all "Jerry Springer" on Brian, but he didn't - unfortunately. (Where's his spine?) I guess it's probably for the best. It turns out David was just "talking" to Brian - no one knows what they said. (This, of course, is killing me. I hate being out of the good-gossip-loop.) Oh, well. I imagine David was just trying to make friends with Brian, since the big jerk's obviously (God knows why!) important to Michael. However, one of these days, Brian's going to go just one step too far and scam on one of MY gentleman-callers, and I promise, if that day comes, Mister Pretty-Boy Kinney's gonna be pulling one of my 300-dollar-a-pair Hugo Boss slip-ons out from where-the-sun-don't-shine. (And that is a promise!) Oops! Nearly 7! Time to close-up and get my hair cut! Hope that Brazilian guy is washing hair today! (Yum!) God I've been awfully parenthetical today! (Must be the moon.)
02-04-01 - Episode 8
Online last night with my new screen name, Pitts9x6 - funny how everything changes with a name and a profile that includes the word "Top" and initials "VGL". At one point I had to put a block on all the IMs that were coming in at a rate of 1 every three seconds. Came across Ted, who also was using a new screen name: NiceguyPA! I knew right away that it was him from the bland name. Poor thing has no idea how to attract guys. Just to rib him I asked him if the PA stood for a Prince Albert ... I swear I could hear him flush through the modem. But the saddest part was when he sent me his X pic. Pitiful...Has he no shame? Has he no dignity? Has he never heard of airbrushing? Anyway, this almost sent me back to watching the Golden Girls until I opened a gif and it was a picture of Brian Kinney! Me getting to play with Brian on line? IT WAS THE OPPORTUNITY OF A LIFETIME! I wanted to see how far Brian goes when he's online...so I started asking him the usual list: Do you like JO? "Yes." BJ? "Yes" 69? "One of my favorites." SM/BD? "You bet!" (At this point my fingers started sweating, and I thought I might short-circuit my keyboard.) Uh do you like ff? "Yes! Top and Bottom!" (This was too good to be true!) ws? "Got the yellow hanky in my right hand pocket as we speak." I swear I was ready to post the chat on the bulletin board of Babylon! Brian Kinney is a raunch freak! That is until....He started talking about his interest in meeting a "life partner who shared his interests in raunchy sex as well as having a committed relationship." Brian Kinney interested in a "life partner?" It was obviously an imposter! I was furious. Using Brian's picture! I felt raped! I can't stand online-phonies! (This, of course, does not include myself who is merely doing it for sociological reasons.) I would have reported him to the authorities (Whoever that may be under these circumstances), but then I thought...heck, he's using Brian's photo - not like he's hurting an innocent person. So, I told him that my "police officer boyfriend" had come home and I had to get offline...but, before I logged off I referred him to a really hot Top that would be into everything he liked -- with a PA -- plus want a long term relationship...(he-he)...Ted will never be the same once he sees the photo.
02-11-01 - Episode 09
Being Butch is TOO MUCH WORK! Now I know why I've been Nelly so long, it's EASIER! Met a fabulous Italian guy in the Frozen foods section at the Grocery store last night, nearly melted an entire glacier of Lima Beans. Name was "Vinny" - couldn't you die?! Ran into him again in the parking lot and we had quick, sleazy sex in the car; 8 minutes of unbridled bliss! Of course, as soon as we finished he told me he had a boyfriend and felt terribly guilty. (All men are assholes!) The worst part is when I got home I realized we must've switched bags and now I'm stuck with four pounds of lamb sausage (which I hate) a can of almonds (To which I'm allergic) and various ingredients for what I suppose was a lasagna dinner. Well, I hope Vinnie and Mrs. Vinnie enjoy my 7 Light n' Lively dinners for one, my large tube of K-Y (the classic lube) and the condom wrapper I tossed in the bag so as not to be a litterbug.
02-18-01 - Episode 10
I've got to get the hell out of Pittsburgh. My REAL people are in NYC... it's exciting. It's alive. People understand the importance of fashion, and OH THE BOYS. I could feel the very concrete of the pavement calling me... or maybe that was the new pair of faux Prada slip-ons I bought on the street in the Village for only 25 dollars! It was so AMAZING! We only had a few hours but we walked all over Chelsea - which is basically a storage area for New York's HOTTEST MEN... then we walked down through the Village. Mostly older queers and breeder transplants live here now. The area is much prettier than Chelsea despite the fact that Chelsea is where the bulk of the beefy boys hang out. Queer men are like worker bees, we find the areas that need fixing up, move in, make 'em look fab, and then relocate leaving them for the Hets. The Discovery Channel should do something about this phenomenon. Went to the Stonewall Inn - Mikey got all excited by the history of it all. He's SO adorable when he gets all gay and proud. So we went in. Next thing you know I run into Bruno! My old crush from that summer I spent in P-town when I was 21. I remember the first time I saw him. He was working at the Boatslip, bartending. People used to surround him like flies on a sloppy bottle of Aunt Jemima. He was - without question - the most beautiful man that had ever existed. Italian, of course, with this perfect body... swimmer's build, a dusting of hair on his chest. His eyes - incredible - this golden brown... and his lips! So luscious! He used to bite them when he wasn't talking, as if he wanted to stop them from flying off his face to kiss you. I used up about a dozen boxes of Kleenex on that one - and it wasn't for crying. Anyway, there he was -- eight years later -- calling my name... only I didn't recognize him. It wasn't just because he was older -- he also looked haggard and his skin was grey and he wasn't beautiful at all anymore. It made me so sad. I guess he had the same personality... but now it seemed dull and somewhat odd. After we left, Ted said it was probably due to drugs or alcohol or both, or maybe something really sad happened to him. People change, I guess. But do we have to change like that?
02-25-01 - Episode 11
48 hours and 11 minutes since I stopped having sex with men - feel fine, but a little tense.
I've gotten hit on 3 times since yesterday. I suppose God is testing me, putting stunning men in my path all day. This is going to be hard, but I will keep my promise no matter what it takes. I'm a walking miracle! I'm alive and healthy! Not hunting for sex will give me so much more time to do all the things I always wanted to do. Now I'll finally be able to... what? God, I just realized I've been so addicted to the gay "lifestyle" and the pursuit of sex I haven't taken much time to think about doing anything else. There must be something I wanted to do other than meet men? Dance? Yeah, but there's too much sexual energy in that environment. Work out? Yeah, but I can't take showers or saunas because that can lead to - "you-know-what." See, this is another test by God: "Let me see if Emmett can give up sex and also tolerate being bored." But I can... I know I can. And once I get over this withdraw then everything will open up for me... like when people give up smoking and everything tastes better.
Haven't stopped J.O., but I will after the weekend. (Ted lent me some videos it would be a sin to miss.)
03-04-01 - Episode 12
Ways to "See the Light"
1. Stop watching gay male porn.
2. Throw out all my INCHES magazines.
3. Stop going to gay bars.
4. Stop wearing revealing clothes. (Except for the peach see through... that's sort of religious looking in only a slightly sexy way.)
5. Start watching straight porn... ONLY with unattractive male stars.
6. Check women out and don't comment on what they are wearing.
7. Pray.
8. Don't take showers at the gym since it will stimulate impure thoughts.
9. Wear more unattractive underwear.
10. Don't use gay words or expressions such as "fabulous," "go girl," "hello gorgeous," "puh-lease," and the pronoun "she" unless it's referring to a person of the opposite sex... WHO YOU SHOULD BE ATTRACTED TOO!
11. Also, don't watch television except for PAX TV... TV commercials (soap and shampoo commercials) and sports (soccer, basketball, and football) can be too stimulating of impure thoughts.
12. Cold showers... alone.
03-11-01 - Episode 13
Washed my hands of my ex-friends. The Zak O'Toole thing was the final proof. Satan will stop at nothing to work through them. I have to be strong, and call Matt whenever I'm tempted. Thank God for him. He's the rock. Already, I feel stronger and lighter than yesterday. I never realized how easy it is to change...or at least start to change. It's still tough to believe that I once thought Ted and Michael were true friends and laughed with them at those good people who were trying to be their true selves and SEE THE LIGHT. It's easy to be blind when you're numbed by the chase for pleasure. Matt says my ex-friends aren't evil. He just believes the devil and ignorance have led them to follow unnatural desires. He says that once I have my own "success story" and have fully and completely "SEEN THE LIGHT," I can try and help them begin the process of change. I think it will be hard for Michael to change, since he has the misguided acceptance of Debbie. (Luckily, my parents knew this lifestyle was wrong for me.) Ted just needs to know his sorrow isn't because he can't meet a man...it's because he's looking for men in the first place. I think if he came to just one meeting, he would understand. God knows he already dresses like a straight guy from some backwater suburb. Oh my God! Yesterday he was wearing some tacky, fake leather black dress belt with jeans and these brown side-top loafers he's been wearing since the 80s! No wonder he can't get a date! Stop it, Emmett! Get back to the light! Breathe, breathe, think about the light. That kind of "gay thought" is from the devil. Remember what Matt says, the devil uses material things to lure you away from the light. Stop obsessing about fashion, working out, dieting, mismatching shoes and belts, or whether Britney could be the next Madonna...(she can't! Let it go!). Stop! That's the old Emmett. The only important thing right now is your return to the light, to your true self. It doesn't matter whether you wear Prada or J.C. Penney's, just as long as you're IN THE LIGHT.
03-18-01 - Episode 14
Just woke up in a cold sweat! What the hell was I thinking?! I almost gave up all my queerness to be part of a cult! It must be the club drugs. They never tell you irrational-conversion-to-alien sexuality can be a by-product of that crap. Well, at least I'm friends with Heather. God knows if I'll ever get over having sex with her, but she's a great gal. Guess it'll just be an amusing memory...slightly nauseating...but then again so was riding some of those roller coasters at Hershey Park when I was little. But I definitely need a major Breeder detox. This whole "See the Light" experience has taught me several important lessons...the most memorable of which are: you lose your taste in clothing and realize that intercourse with the opposite sex is not your scene. I hearby promise the following...
I will never do anything to a woman's body again that doesn't involve her hair or makeup.
I will never wear any clothing again that doesn't at least emphasize A) My basket or B) My buns.
I will never think of my sexuality ever again except as something which is beautiful and perfect and natural JUST AS GOD INTENDED! (Thank you for Ted, too.)
I will NEVER NEVER have unsafe sex!
Oh my God, I just realized I threw out all my queer porn and my silver cock ring! I suddenly feel sick. Well, at least this will give me something to shop for on the weekend besides my Leather Ball outfit. Thank God, I stopped all that "See The Light" stuff before the Leather Ball. I'd be spitting bullets if I realized all that stuff was crap AND missed the most decadent event of the year. Perhaps I should do a religious motif in honor of my de-conversion, my "backsliding" back to Babylon. Yes! Perhaps a Bishop-meets-the-Marquis-De-Sade...and perhaps a gold-plated cock ring to top it off...er ... bottom it off...er...IT DOESN'T MATTER!
04-01-01 - Episode 15
Leather Ball was the best ever! Completely decadent...and I looked fabulous (of course). If I only could wear bottomless chaps every day...well, let's skip that thought. (I'm still a little sketchy from staying up so late.) Speaking of which ...Cowboy Bob called three times to make sure I was all right. A total sweetie... who's really a male nurse from Bayonne, New Jersey! (He said he practices his rope tricks with the gurneys and IV racks at the hospital! Is that adorable or what?!!!) We had so much fun. Played this one game where I was this bad cowboy named "Dark Dan" and he was the good cowboy -- named "Bob" of course. Anyway, it was a totally ridiculous, silly, and marvelous evening... and if he calls one more time I'm changing my number. Fetish is fun, but as an old Sondheim song says "Once is a lark, but twice tho' loses the spark. No, I never do anything twice..."
04-08-01 - Episode 16
Watching Justin stand up to that bully on the street brought back so many memories for me. I guess, it's such a different environment for him today than when I was a kid...at least he has positive images on television. Who were my gay role models? None except for pseudo queer characters. Like...Dr. Smith from Lost In Space...Felix Unger from The Odd Couple...Charles Nelson Reilly...and of course, Agnes Moorehead from Bewitched. God, I can remember seeing my first real gay person...Quentin Crisp doing the Naked Civil Servant on PBS...he was so effeminate and blatant and ... fabulously brave. God, what would I have been like in high school if I had people like Justin around? What would I have done when they threw lit matches at me in gym class? I remember having such vivid fantasies of being brave...of taking revenge. Kids can be so evil...or maybe they're not evil...just ignorant and confused. Probably that Chris Hobbs kid has confusions of his own, and he's taking it out on Justin. Probably a big ol' homo himself. People think it's not a big deal being picked on when you're a gay kid, but it is a big deal...huge! It's one of the worst things that can happen to a kid. When other kids throw around those hateful words you start to hate yourself. You think they must have a point to their hate. You sense your feelings are out-of-the-ordinary, and you feel dirty and completely alone. But luckily, high school ends...and miraculously, we find each other...queers and open-minded people who know how to accept difference. We learn that it's not a disadvantage to be queer, it's just another blessing. But even then, you have to remind yourself...like I did with my tawdry - and utterly embarrassing - foray into "See the Light." (Am I ever going to live that down?) Oh well...I lived down the summer I wore those vintage Versace hot pants, and I suppose I can live down one, small, misstep into religiously-inspired-faux-heterosexuality. I am just a human being after all...in an utterly spectacular way. Well, all I can say is, I'm certainly proud of Justin. It's teens like him who are going to change this world for the better. Bravo for him.
04-15-01 - Episode 17
Got a call from Bill (Bill from Chicago, not Bill from Miami) about P-town. Bill said he's going to be in a house in the east end with Vinnie, Kyle, Trey, Lance, Jim B. and Jim something. (Not the Jim from Pittsburgh, but the Jim from...uh-oh...he's from Pittsburgh too...hmmm? Note to self: learn last names.) Anyway, Bill also said he saw Randy. (Weasley-looking guy, lipo, calf implants...only thing real about him is a trust fund.). He's also going to be in P-Town with his new boyfriend...gasp...a cute Japanese guy who barely speaks English! I bet it's Katsuo! (The bastard who rejected me last autumn!) I'm completely over him, but I'm still feeling a little vengeful. Oh well, there's no better revenge than looking fabulous!
OH MY GOD! Just walked by the bathroom mirror and nearly screamed like Janet Leigh in "Psycho." I am SO NOT ready for summer. Provincetown is only a few short months away, and if I don't get my butt to the gym I'm going to look like Shelley Winters in the "Poseidon Adventure!" And I might remind myself that she had a husband already...I don't! I have to get in shape! (Affirmation: I now have a fabulous and toned body, I now have a fabulous and toned body, I now have a fabulous and toned body.) Was reading this Fashion Guru column in the local rag and he said it's a good idea if you're doing a summer-slim-down to buy yourself some piece of clothing, which inspires you. I know JUST the thing: this cute little lime green Versace swimsuit with a 1950s style belt. Very tight, but nearly fluorescent, so if anyone looks too closely for signs of cellulite it'll probably blind them. (Serves them right!) Sort of expensive but credit cards always make things seem free. Fashion Guru also said that this summer queer boys will stop shaving their chests as much, and body shapes will be less hulking, and more classic (i.e. toned but slim like me.) Thank god. I'd love to see smaller muscles on the beach this summer...at least I'll have a fighting chance of being noticed. It will also be nice to see all the "roid rage" disappear. I swear, it's getting scary to be gay. The other day two muscle queens were at the store and nearly ripped each other's hair plugs out because there was only one box of 2Xist underwear left on the shelf. Frankly, I would have liked to see them lose the nasty hair plugs...their scalps looked like cheap doll heads. Have they no shame? (No.) Anyway, I'm going to start eating right, working out, drinking lots of water (god I hope I don't retain...!) and maybe even do one of those colonics they do out in Hollywood. By the time summer rolls around I'm going to be fit, fabulous, and have a colon so clean you might mistake it for a vegetable crisper. (Note to self: work on metaphors.)
04-22-01 - Episode 18
Just left Ted. Ugh! He's completely freaked about Blake, the tweeker twink, being gone. He should be rejoicing. He just saved himself about 10 years of therapy. Okay, so maybe I was wrong about Blake being a thief, but I'm not wrong about him being bad news. In the name of Judy, he's not only an addict, but he has already nearly killed Ted! Am I crazy, or is that reason enough not to date someone? Leave it to Ted -- poor pathetic-but-adorable Ted - to go from being dateless to co-dependent in five seconds flat.
Oh, speaking of cute-n-cuddly co-dependents...just got a letter from Heather. (My one-and-only female lover!) She's still a lesbian (thank God...and I MEAN that) and it seems, about two weeks ago, she went to some tennis camp for lesbians (Is that redundant?) and met some lesbian biker from San Jose who's a mechanic and also does spiritual healing. (Wrench, oil can, crystals, sweat lodge?) She fell in love (of course)! Well, frankly, good for her! She's solidly back on lesbo ground. I guess it's like that old expression - once you ride a lesbian biker, you never forget...or something like that.
04-29-01 - Episode 19
What is wrong with me? Everyone's dating someone except for me? Brian has Justin, Michael has David, Ted has Blake (Although, drug addicts do not COUNT as boyfriends!) Melanie has Lindsay (That doesn't count either since lesbians are always in relationships. Unfair advantage.) But still, I'd at least like a pseudo-relationship, even if it doesn't really count. Just one lousy date with a terribly attractive man...or at least a reasonably attractive man...well...a little better than reasonably attractive. This coming weekend is the King of Babylon contest. Lots of cute boys around. Maybe I'll meet someone. You have to figure the losers are going to need to be consoled. I should write some affirmations around that thought...
I am now meeting someone,
I am now meeting someone,
I am now meeting someone...
(More specific)
I'm now meeting someone Hot...
and rich...
and hung...
More of a top...
but versatile...
But not "too" versatile..
who loves me and cares about me a lot...
and who works in the men's fashion business...
and gets an incredible discount!
I suddenly feel loads better!
06-10-01 - Episode 20
Brent. Brent. Brent. Brent. Gone. Gone. Gone. Dead...no, but in a way I wish...if only it were that simple. That way he could be permanently frozen in my mind as a "great love" who died early...instead of betraying me with the first Tom, Dick and Harry who just happened to be in front of him in the line for the urinal. Why is it every man I meet is either afraid of commitment, or married, or both? Why is my life so tragically flawed, huh? WHY?! Why is it that life takes me to these stunning heights of breathtaking beauty only to drop me like a four pound sack of canary crap in the dumpster of lost loves? Why is this friggin' pitcher of Cosmopolitans suddenly empty?!!! It must be some alcohol-chemical-process thingy...maybe the splash of cranberry juice speeds up the evaporation process.
Made another pitcher, but I'll keep a lid on it to protect it...keep the vapors from wafting away like my lovers.
Oh...I feel so sad...so horribly, tragically sad. My heart is wounded like "someone" (Brent to be specific) shot me directly through my left ventricle, then opened the wound with his handsome fingers, yanked out the damaged heart, slapped it around with one of those beach paddles, scratched it in the sand, rimmed it with salt like some tall, tawdry margarita glass, shoved it back in my chest, then sewed it up with a rusty needle...and then waltzed off with some Babylon heathen. What was I writing about? I dunno. Lost the thought. I'm so thirsty. Pittsburgh's like a desert. Just had a craving for Margaritas. Put the pitcher of Cosmos in the fridge for later.
The thing that really pisses me off about...about that guy... whasisname?...Brett! That's it! Brett! (Still doesn't sound right?) Oh, well...he should change it then! But he won't, because he doesn't friggin' care about me...not me, not little old Emmett whom he once loved for an hour and 45 minutes...with whom he shared a passion for so many things...doesn't he see the miracle in that? Huh, doesn't he?! I mean when is he gonna meet someone who likes Clinique for Men AND green onion potato chips AND Brad Pitt! Whose favorite song is "Somewhere Out There"? Whose favorite album is Barbra's Back to Broadway? When it comes down to it, I haven't lost anything! He has! He's the loser! Not me! I'm a valuable human being! It says so right here in my journal a few pages back. See, right there in lavender ink! "Emmett is a valuable human being!" Written 100 times! So Brett or Buster or whoever-the-hell-he-is can shove it up his adorable, precious little butt. I long for his butt...and his shoulders and the way he didn't really know my name. Why did he have to be so beautiful? God I miss him.
I have to stop drinking. It ages the skin.
06-17-01 - Episode 21
So much drama around here lately! Vic's trial, Michael deciding to move to Portland, Brian moving to NYC. Too much for one queer boy to handle!
I guess the really big news is Brian's turning 30 in a few days. The end of an era! Not since the death of "acid wash" has a cultural turning point had such piquancy! What's more, I'm hoping it will bestow some humility on our taciturn Adonis. Come to think of it, perhaps I should buy him a box of Depends and some Geritol. In a couple of years I'll be turning 30, but I won't "look it" for another 10 or 20 years...as God is my witness! Who knows? Maybe by then they'll have come up with some new drug to stop aging all together? God, if that happens, how will queer men be elitist? How will we cruelly separate the trolls from the twinks? Of course, there will always be wealth and looks to divide us. It must be hell being old and living around young people, constantly reminding you you're no longer one of the "desired." I guess some guys like older guys. We just don't see them hanging out in the bars. I know when I'm older I'm not going to be chasing chicken around. No way. I'm going to age with grace and dignity and three or four eye lifts, a forehead full of Botox, a tummy tuck, a butt and chest implant and an adorable Brazilian lover of a certain age who owns a horse farm in Sao Paolo. He'll be named Gustavo and have grey at his temples and enough money in the bank that we'll buy small countries for sport. And we'll be unbelievably proud of our age, and be charter members of the Pittsburgh-Sao Paolo chapter of SAGE, and never let anyone under 50 come to our parties. Well...whatever happens I just don't want to be tragic. I can't stand tragic queens.
I'm NOT a tragic queen.
I'm NOT a tragic queen.
I'm NOT a tragic queen....
06-24-01 - Episode 22
Just saw Ted, he's devastated about Blake's disappearance from rehab. He actually thought this was all going to have a happy ending. Poor thing, I really feel for him. Why do I have to be right all the time? Sometimes I'd love to be wrong when it comes to my friends screwing up their lives. Ah well, my empathetic genius is both a gift and a curse. I really should have been a therapist or some other helping profession. However, I suppose, in my work as a "retail whore," I do get to influence people in a positive way. In fact, I'd say for every person who leaves the store with a new pair of go-go shorts, two people leave with a better sense of themselves thanks to my words of wisdom. Speaking of which, I think I need to ask the boss for a raise. My credit cards are almost maxed out. How does he expect me to remain stylish and fit on the pittance he pays me? Fashion and beauty are expensive. Maybe I should get a second job?
Эмметт - Memoir01-07-01 - Episode 5
I can't believe the fashion faux pas of some of my friends!! Michael for example - has he learned nothing from me? He was ready to go out on a date practically dressed like a Q-Mart version of a medival nun! Doesn't he know: you gotta show some of the meat if you wanna make a sale! Anyway, I saved the day and did a complete makeover! After he left I watched some new porn - or rather some old porn from the 70s. A triple feature "Anvil 8", "Tool and Die3" and "Muscle Truckers 1" - I gather this wasn't very popular since there was only one in the series.
After my date with Rosy Palm and her five sisters, I watched a fabulous Gilligan's Island rerun. (Mary Anne got amnesia and thought she was Ginger.) Later I started watching more porn, but started thinking about the titles: Anvil? Tool and Die? Truckers? Why is it gay porn subjects always seem to deal with career choices gay men rarely make?
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More self - hate I assume. Why shouldn't we eroticize our most popular queer professions? Like "Graphic Design Studs 3" or "Hairdresser Hunks 8" or "Entertainment Lawyers in Lust 7" or "Dirty Art Director 4." Then again I could do one based on my own experience "Retail Slut: Dressing Room Domination 12" Oh well, I'm clearly before my time.
Emmett's Good-bye E-Mail to Katsuo
Dear Katsuo: I know you won't understand this, since you haven't taken the time to learn English - not to mention manners. But I figure someday you may trick-out with a Berlitz teacher and be able to read this. Anyway it doesn't really matter since I'm writing this for me. (Debbie says it will be therapeutic.) What you did to me was horribly unkind and wrong ... not to mention tacky.
I know it may be your "profession," but your imitation of love is far too realistic. I finally understand how Nealy O'Hara (as stunningly portrayed by Patty Duke) felt in Valley of the Dolls when she discovered that bastard husband of hers in the pool with that Hollywood floozy. Or how Maria Callas must've felt when Aristotle Onasis took up with Jackie Kennedy ... but, believe me, that guy you were with was NO JACKIE KENNEDY! Perhaps I was being naïve.
But you should at least carry English language business cards! My hand is practically shaking right now, but that could be the caffeine or perhaps a petit mal seizure brought on by a brain tumor YOU CAUSED by your selfishness! Anyway, by the time you read this I'll have moved on and be completely over you! And when you wake-up and realize what you've lost and how much you truly loved me don't even think about crawling back to me. I won't be waiting. You will mean nothing to me! N-O-T-H-I-N-G! (Look it up!) So, goodbye, arrivaderci, bon voyage, sionara (How do you spell this?), no hard feelings, and I wish you all the luck in the world.
Yours, Emmett
P.S. Please return my aqua Raymond Dragon, sleeveless-t shirt! I only gave it to you because I thought you were falling in love with me. You weren't, so you can't have it. Leave it on my doorstep -- AFTER you wash it. By hand, cold water, Woolite. And if you stretch it out I swear you'll be on your back so fast and not for money making purposes!
(After re-reading this e-mail around 17 times Emmett opted not to send it, but instead went on an online-spending spree, purchasing three identical pair of Prada slip-ons and some rather embarrassing underwear from the International Male online catalogue)
01-21-01 - Episode 6
Why are there so many desperate people in the queer world? Went to Date Bait the other night with Ted. What a mistake! Desperation is definitely last year's accessory. If Ted thinks these forced, phony, holier-than-thou, events to meet men are any better than the queer clubs, he's going to be horribly disappointed. The ONLY difference is one has the advantage of lower quality competition - meaning less attractive guys can finally get noticed since there aren't any Brian Kinneys around making everyone else look like trolls. A shallow fact, but horribly true. I know when I'm determined to score I make sure I'm at least 150 feet away from anyone better looking than me - and at least 275 feet away from Brian. The truth is Einstein probably discovered the theory of relativity while cruising a Berlin gay bar - If you stand next to Hunky Hans you have a much less chance of getting picked up than if you stand next to Ditmar the Dog-Faced Boy. Elementary Queer Physics 101. Why spit in the face of science?
I think Ted has realized he is going to have to accept that he's as shallow and vain as the rest of us. Date Bait = Dog Bait. It seems Mister Choir Director's baton just couldn't get Ted's attention - nor could his fashion sense for that matter. Where did that guy shop? Mister Roger's Neighborhood? But, good ol' Teddy's come home to the warmth and rejection of the bars. Hopefully, he now realizes that the only people that choose a partner based on their "inner beauty" or "common interests" are either women or the blind. And I'm not so sure about the blind.
01-28-01 - Episode 07
Drama last night at Babylon - as if it would be a typical night there without it. David, (Michael's hot Doctor-boyfriend) came to the club dressed all fabulous - i.e. Hunky and Trashy (just like I like 'em!), and then started dancing with ... guess who? (Betcha couldn't guess - Why am I talking to myself in my journal?) ... Brian! You could almost hear a gasp from the entire room - okay maybe just from Ted, Michael and I, but still... We all thought Brian had stolen yet another one of Michael's boyfriends. I swore Michael was gonna go all "Jerry Springer" on Brian, but he didn't - unfortunately. (Where's his spine?) I guess it's probably for the best. It turns out David was just "talking" to Brian - no one knows what they said. (This, of course, is killing me. I hate being out of the good-gossip-loop.) Oh, well. I imagine David was just trying to make friends with Brian, since the big jerk's obviously (God knows why!) important to Michael. However, one of these days, Brian's going to go just one step too far and scam on one of MY gentleman-callers, and I promise, if that day comes, Mister Pretty-Boy Kinney's gonna be pulling one of my 300-dollar-a-pair Hugo Boss slip-ons out from where-the-sun-don't-shine. (And that is a promise!) Oops! Nearly 7! Time to close-up and get my hair cut! Hope that Brazilian guy is washing hair today! (Yum!) God I've been awfully parenthetical today! (Must be the moon.)
02-04-01 - Episode 8
Online last night with my new screen name, Pitts9x6 - funny how everything changes with a name and a profile that includes the word "Top" and initials "VGL". At one point I had to put a block on all the IMs that were coming in at a rate of 1 every three seconds. Came across Ted, who also was using a new screen name: NiceguyPA! I knew right away that it was him from the bland name. Poor thing has no idea how to attract guys. Just to rib him I asked him if the PA stood for a Prince Albert ... I swear I could hear him flush through the modem. But the saddest part was when he sent me his X pic. Pitiful...Has he no shame? Has he no dignity? Has he never heard of airbrushing? Anyway, this almost sent me back to watching the Golden Girls until I opened a gif and it was a picture of Brian Kinney! Me getting to play with Brian on line? IT WAS THE OPPORTUNITY OF A LIFETIME! I wanted to see how far Brian goes when he's online...so I started asking him the usual list: Do you like JO? "Yes." BJ? "Yes" 69? "One of my favorites." SM/BD? "You bet!" (At this point my fingers started sweating, and I thought I might short-circuit my keyboard.) Uh do you like ff? "Yes! Top and Bottom!" (This was too good to be true!) ws? "Got the yellow hanky in my right hand pocket as we speak." I swear I was ready to post the chat on the bulletin board of Babylon! Brian Kinney is a raunch freak! That is until....He started talking about his interest in meeting a "life partner who shared his interests in raunchy sex as well as having a committed relationship." Brian Kinney interested in a "life partner?" It was obviously an imposter! I was furious. Using Brian's picture! I felt raped! I can't stand online-phonies! (This, of course, does not include myself who is merely doing it for sociological reasons.) I would have reported him to the authorities (Whoever that may be under these circumstances), but then I thought...heck, he's using Brian's photo - not like he's hurting an innocent person. So, I told him that my "police officer boyfriend" had come home and I had to get offline...but, before I logged off I referred him to a really hot Top that would be into everything he liked -- with a PA -- plus want a long term relationship...(he-he)...Ted will never be the same once he sees the photo.
02-11-01 - Episode 09
Being Butch is TOO MUCH WORK! Now I know why I've been Nelly so long, it's EASIER! Met a fabulous Italian guy in the Frozen foods section at the Grocery store last night, nearly melted an entire glacier of Lima Beans. Name was "Vinny" - couldn't you die?! Ran into him again in the parking lot and we had quick, sleazy sex in the car; 8 minutes of unbridled bliss! Of course, as soon as we finished he told me he had a boyfriend and felt terribly guilty. (All men are assholes!) The worst part is when I got home I realized we must've switched bags and now I'm stuck with four pounds of lamb sausage (which I hate) a can of almonds (To which I'm allergic) and various ingredients for what I suppose was a lasagna dinner. Well, I hope Vinnie and Mrs. Vinnie enjoy my 7 Light n' Lively dinners for one, my large tube of K-Y (the classic lube) and the condom wrapper I tossed in the bag so as not to be a litterbug.
02-18-01 - Episode 10
I've got to get the hell out of Pittsburgh. My REAL people are in NYC... it's exciting. It's alive. People understand the importance of fashion, and OH THE BOYS. I could feel the very concrete of the pavement calling me... or maybe that was the new pair of faux Prada slip-ons I bought on the street in the Village for only 25 dollars! It was so AMAZING! We only had a few hours but we walked all over Chelsea - which is basically a storage area for New York's HOTTEST MEN... then we walked down through the Village. Mostly older queers and breeder transplants live here now. The area is much prettier than Chelsea despite the fact that Chelsea is where the bulk of the beefy boys hang out. Queer men are like worker bees, we find the areas that need fixing up, move in, make 'em look fab, and then relocate leaving them for the Hets. The Discovery Channel should do something about this phenomenon. Went to the Stonewall Inn - Mikey got all excited by the history of it all. He's SO adorable when he gets all gay and proud. So we went in. Next thing you know I run into Bruno! My old crush from that summer I spent in P-town when I was 21. I remember the first time I saw him. He was working at the Boatslip, bartending. People used to surround him like flies on a sloppy bottle of Aunt Jemima. He was - without question - the most beautiful man that had ever existed. Italian, of course, with this perfect body... swimmer's build, a dusting of hair on his chest. His eyes - incredible - this golden brown... and his lips! So luscious! He used to bite them when he wasn't talking, as if he wanted to stop them from flying off his face to kiss you. I used up about a dozen boxes of Kleenex on that one - and it wasn't for crying. Anyway, there he was -- eight years later -- calling my name... only I didn't recognize him. It wasn't just because he was older -- he also looked haggard and his skin was grey and he wasn't beautiful at all anymore. It made me so sad. I guess he had the same personality... but now it seemed dull and somewhat odd. After we left, Ted said it was probably due to drugs or alcohol or both, or maybe something really sad happened to him. People change, I guess. But do we have to change like that?
02-25-01 - Episode 11
48 hours and 11 minutes since I stopped having sex with men - feel fine, but a little tense.
I've gotten hit on 3 times since yesterday. I suppose God is testing me, putting stunning men in my path all day. This is going to be hard, but I will keep my promise no matter what it takes. I'm a walking miracle! I'm alive and healthy! Not hunting for sex will give me so much more time to do all the things I always wanted to do. Now I'll finally be able to... what? God, I just realized I've been so addicted to the gay "lifestyle" and the pursuit of sex I haven't taken much time to think about doing anything else. There must be something I wanted to do other than meet men? Dance? Yeah, but there's too much sexual energy in that environment. Work out? Yeah, but I can't take showers or saunas because that can lead to - "you-know-what." See, this is another test by God: "Let me see if Emmett can give up sex and also tolerate being bored." But I can... I know I can. And once I get over this withdraw then everything will open up for me... like when people give up smoking and everything tastes better.
Haven't stopped J.O., but I will after the weekend. (Ted lent me some videos it would be a sin to miss.)
03-04-01 - Episode 12
Ways to "See the Light"
1. Stop watching gay male porn.
2. Throw out all my INCHES magazines.
3. Stop going to gay bars.
4. Stop wearing revealing clothes. (Except for the peach see through... that's sort of religious looking in only a slightly sexy way.)
5. Start watching straight porn... ONLY with unattractive male stars.
6. Check women out and don't comment on what they are wearing.
7. Pray.
8. Don't take showers at the gym since it will stimulate impure thoughts.
9. Wear more unattractive underwear.
10. Don't use gay words or expressions such as "fabulous," "go girl," "hello gorgeous," "puh-lease," and the pronoun "she" unless it's referring to a person of the opposite sex... WHO YOU SHOULD BE ATTRACTED TOO!
11. Also, don't watch television except for PAX TV... TV commercials (soap and shampoo commercials) and sports (soccer, basketball, and football) can be too stimulating of impure thoughts.
12. Cold showers... alone.
03-11-01 - Episode 13
Washed my hands of my ex-friends. The Zak O'Toole thing was the final proof. Satan will stop at nothing to work through them. I have to be strong, and call Matt whenever I'm tempted. Thank God for him. He's the rock. Already, I feel stronger and lighter than yesterday. I never realized how easy it is to change...or at least start to change. It's still tough to believe that I once thought Ted and Michael were true friends and laughed with them at those good people who were trying to be their true selves and SEE THE LIGHT. It's easy to be blind when you're numbed by the chase for pleasure. Matt says my ex-friends aren't evil. He just believes the devil and ignorance have led them to follow unnatural desires. He says that once I have my own "success story" and have fully and completely "SEEN THE LIGHT," I can try and help them begin the process of change. I think it will be hard for Michael to change, since he has the misguided acceptance of Debbie. (Luckily, my parents knew this lifestyle was wrong for me.) Ted just needs to know his sorrow isn't because he can't meet a man...it's because he's looking for men in the first place. I think if he came to just one meeting, he would understand. God knows he already dresses like a straight guy from some backwater suburb. Oh my God! Yesterday he was wearing some tacky, fake leather black dress belt with jeans and these brown side-top loafers he's been wearing since the 80s! No wonder he can't get a date! Stop it, Emmett! Get back to the light! Breathe, breathe, think about the light. That kind of "gay thought" is from the devil. Remember what Matt says, the devil uses material things to lure you away from the light. Stop obsessing about fashion, working out, dieting, mismatching shoes and belts, or whether Britney could be the next Madonna...(she can't! Let it go!). Stop! That's the old Emmett. The only important thing right now is your return to the light, to your true self. It doesn't matter whether you wear Prada or J.C. Penney's, just as long as you're IN THE LIGHT.
03-18-01 - Episode 14
Just woke up in a cold sweat! What the hell was I thinking?! I almost gave up all my queerness to be part of a cult! It must be the club drugs. They never tell you irrational-conversion-to-alien sexuality can be a by-product of that crap. Well, at least I'm friends with Heather. God knows if I'll ever get over having sex with her, but she's a great gal. Guess it'll just be an amusing memory...slightly nauseating...but then again so was riding some of those roller coasters at Hershey Park when I was little. But I definitely need a major Breeder detox. This whole "See the Light" experience has taught me several important lessons...the most memorable of which are: you lose your taste in clothing and realize that intercourse with the opposite sex is not your scene. I hearby promise the following...
I will never do anything to a woman's body again that doesn't involve her hair or makeup.
I will never wear any clothing again that doesn't at least emphasize A) My basket or B) My buns.
I will never think of my sexuality ever again except as something which is beautiful and perfect and natural JUST AS GOD INTENDED! (Thank you for Ted, too.)
I will NEVER NEVER have unsafe sex!
Oh my God, I just realized I threw out all my queer porn and my silver cock ring! I suddenly feel sick. Well, at least this will give me something to shop for on the weekend besides my Leather Ball outfit. Thank God, I stopped all that "See The Light" stuff before the Leather Ball. I'd be spitting bullets if I realized all that stuff was crap AND missed the most decadent event of the year. Perhaps I should do a religious motif in honor of my de-conversion, my "backsliding" back to Babylon. Yes! Perhaps a Bishop-meets-the-Marquis-De-Sade...and perhaps a gold-plated cock ring to top it off...er ... bottom it off...er...IT DOESN'T MATTER!
04-01-01 - Episode 15
Leather Ball was the best ever! Completely decadent...and I looked fabulous (of course). If I only could wear bottomless chaps every day...well, let's skip that thought. (I'm still a little sketchy from staying up so late.) Speaking of which ...Cowboy Bob called three times to make sure I was all right. A total sweetie... who's really a male nurse from Bayonne, New Jersey! (He said he practices his rope tricks with the gurneys and IV racks at the hospital! Is that adorable or what?!!!) We had so much fun. Played this one game where I was this bad cowboy named "Dark Dan" and he was the good cowboy -- named "Bob" of course. Anyway, it was a totally ridiculous, silly, and marvelous evening... and if he calls one more time I'm changing my number. Fetish is fun, but as an old Sondheim song says "Once is a lark, but twice tho' loses the spark. No, I never do anything twice..."
04-08-01 - Episode 16
Watching Justin stand up to that bully on the street brought back so many memories for me. I guess, it's such a different environment for him today than when I was a kid...at least he has positive images on television. Who were my gay role models? None except for pseudo queer characters. Like...Dr. Smith from Lost In Space...Felix Unger from The Odd Couple...Charles Nelson Reilly...and of course, Agnes Moorehead from Bewitched. God, I can remember seeing my first real gay person...Quentin Crisp doing the Naked Civil Servant on PBS...he was so effeminate and blatant and ... fabulously brave. God, what would I have been like in high school if I had people like Justin around? What would I have done when they threw lit matches at me in gym class? I remember having such vivid fantasies of being brave...of taking revenge. Kids can be so evil...or maybe they're not evil...just ignorant and confused. Probably that Chris Hobbs kid has confusions of his own, and he's taking it out on Justin. Probably a big ol' homo himself. People think it's not a big deal being picked on when you're a gay kid, but it is a big deal...huge! It's one of the worst things that can happen to a kid. When other kids throw around those hateful words you start to hate yourself. You think they must have a point to their hate. You sense your feelings are out-of-the-ordinary, and you feel dirty and completely alone. But luckily, high school ends...and miraculously, we find each other...queers and open-minded people who know how to accept difference. We learn that it's not a disadvantage to be queer, it's just another blessing. But even then, you have to remind yourself...like I did with my tawdry - and utterly embarrassing - foray into "See the Light." (Am I ever going to live that down?) Oh well...I lived down the summer I wore those vintage Versace hot pants, and I suppose I can live down one, small, misstep into religiously-inspired-faux-heterosexuality. I am just a human being after all...in an utterly spectacular way. Well, all I can say is, I'm certainly proud of Justin. It's teens like him who are going to change this world for the better. Bravo for him.
04-15-01 - Episode 17
Got a call from Bill (Bill from Chicago, not Bill from Miami) about P-town. Bill said he's going to be in a house in the east end with Vinnie, Kyle, Trey, Lance, Jim B. and Jim something. (Not the Jim from Pittsburgh, but the Jim from...uh-oh...he's from Pittsburgh too...hmmm? Note to self: learn last names.) Anyway, Bill also said he saw Randy. (Weasley-looking guy, lipo, calf implants...only thing real about him is a trust fund.). He's also going to be in P-Town with his new boyfriend...gasp...a cute Japanese guy who barely speaks English! I bet it's Katsuo! (The bastard who rejected me last autumn!) I'm completely over him, but I'm still feeling a little vengeful. Oh well, there's no better revenge than looking fabulous!
OH MY GOD! Just walked by the bathroom mirror and nearly screamed like Janet Leigh in "Psycho." I am SO NOT ready for summer. Provincetown is only a few short months away, and if I don't get my butt to the gym I'm going to look like Shelley Winters in the "Poseidon Adventure!" And I might remind myself that she had a husband already...I don't! I have to get in shape! (Affirmation: I now have a fabulous and toned body, I now have a fabulous and toned body, I now have a fabulous and toned body.) Was reading this Fashion Guru column in the local rag and he said it's a good idea if you're doing a summer-slim-down to buy yourself some piece of clothing, which inspires you. I know JUST the thing: this cute little lime green Versace swimsuit with a 1950s style belt. Very tight, but nearly fluorescent, so if anyone looks too closely for signs of cellulite it'll probably blind them. (Serves them right!) Sort of expensive but credit cards always make things seem free. Fashion Guru also said that this summer queer boys will stop shaving their chests as much, and body shapes will be less hulking, and more classic (i.e. toned but slim like me.) Thank god. I'd love to see smaller muscles on the beach this summer...at least I'll have a fighting chance of being noticed. It will also be nice to see all the "roid rage" disappear. I swear, it's getting scary to be gay. The other day two muscle queens were at the store and nearly ripped each other's hair plugs out because there was only one box of 2Xist underwear left on the shelf. Frankly, I would have liked to see them lose the nasty hair plugs...their scalps looked like cheap doll heads. Have they no shame? (No.) Anyway, I'm going to start eating right, working out, drinking lots of water (god I hope I don't retain...!) and maybe even do one of those colonics they do out in Hollywood. By the time summer rolls around I'm going to be fit, fabulous, and have a colon so clean you might mistake it for a vegetable crisper. (Note to self: work on metaphors.)
04-22-01 - Episode 18
Just left Ted. Ugh! He's completely freaked about Blake, the tweeker twink, being gone. He should be rejoicing. He just saved himself about 10 years of therapy. Okay, so maybe I was wrong about Blake being a thief, but I'm not wrong about him being bad news. In the name of Judy, he's not only an addict, but he has already nearly killed Ted! Am I crazy, or is that reason enough not to date someone? Leave it to Ted -- poor pathetic-but-adorable Ted - to go from being dateless to co-dependent in five seconds flat.
Oh, speaking of cute-n-cuddly co-dependents...just got a letter from Heather. (My one-and-only female lover!) She's still a lesbian (thank God...and I MEAN that) and it seems, about two weeks ago, she went to some tennis camp for lesbians (Is that redundant?) and met some lesbian biker from San Jose who's a mechanic and also does spiritual healing. (Wrench, oil can, crystals, sweat lodge?) She fell in love (of course)! Well, frankly, good for her! She's solidly back on lesbo ground. I guess it's like that old expression - once you ride a lesbian biker, you never forget...or something like that.
04-29-01 - Episode 19
What is wrong with me? Everyone's dating someone except for me? Brian has Justin, Michael has David, Ted has Blake (Although, drug addicts do not COUNT as boyfriends!) Melanie has Lindsay (That doesn't count either since lesbians are always in relationships. Unfair advantage.) But still, I'd at least like a pseudo-relationship, even if it doesn't really count. Just one lousy date with a terribly attractive man...or at least a reasonably attractive man...well...a little better than reasonably attractive. This coming weekend is the King of Babylon contest. Lots of cute boys around. Maybe I'll meet someone. You have to figure the losers are going to need to be consoled. I should write some affirmations around that thought...
I am now meeting someone,
I am now meeting someone,
I am now meeting someone...
(More specific)
I'm now meeting someone Hot...
and rich...
and hung...
More of a top...
but versatile...
But not "too" versatile..
who loves me and cares about me a lot...
and who works in the men's fashion business...
and gets an incredible discount!
I suddenly feel loads better!
06-10-01 - Episode 20
Brent. Brent. Brent. Brent. Gone. Gone. Gone. Dead...no, but in a way I wish...if only it were that simple. That way he could be permanently frozen in my mind as a "great love" who died early...instead of betraying me with the first Tom, Dick and Harry who just happened to be in front of him in the line for the urinal. Why is it every man I meet is either afraid of commitment, or married, or both? Why is my life so tragically flawed, huh? WHY?! Why is it that life takes me to these stunning heights of breathtaking beauty only to drop me like a four pound sack of canary crap in the dumpster of lost loves? Why is this friggin' pitcher of Cosmopolitans suddenly empty?!!! It must be some alcohol-chemical-process thingy...maybe the splash of cranberry juice speeds up the evaporation process.
Made another pitcher, but I'll keep a lid on it to protect it...keep the vapors from wafting away like my lovers.
Oh...I feel so sad...so horribly, tragically sad. My heart is wounded like "someone" (Brent to be specific) shot me directly through my left ventricle, then opened the wound with his handsome fingers, yanked out the damaged heart, slapped it around with one of those beach paddles, scratched it in the sand, rimmed it with salt like some tall, tawdry margarita glass, shoved it back in my chest, then sewed it up with a rusty needle...and then waltzed off with some Babylon heathen. What was I writing about? I dunno. Lost the thought. I'm so thirsty. Pittsburgh's like a desert. Just had a craving for Margaritas. Put the pitcher of Cosmos in the fridge for later.
The thing that really pisses me off about...about that guy... whasisname?...Brett! That's it! Brett! (Still doesn't sound right?) Oh, well...he should change it then! But he won't, because he doesn't friggin' care about me...not me, not little old Emmett whom he once loved for an hour and 45 minutes...with whom he shared a passion for so many things...doesn't he see the miracle in that? Huh, doesn't he?! I mean when is he gonna meet someone who likes Clinique for Men AND green onion potato chips AND Brad Pitt! Whose favorite song is "Somewhere Out There"? Whose favorite album is Barbra's Back to Broadway? When it comes down to it, I haven't lost anything! He has! He's the loser! Not me! I'm a valuable human being! It says so right here in my journal a few pages back. See, right there in lavender ink! "Emmett is a valuable human being!" Written 100 times! So Brett or Buster or whoever-the-hell-he-is can shove it up his adorable, precious little butt. I long for his butt...and his shoulders and the way he didn't really know my name. Why did he have to be so beautiful? God I miss him.
I have to stop drinking. It ages the skin.
06-17-01 - Episode 21
So much drama around here lately! Vic's trial, Michael deciding to move to Portland, Brian moving to NYC. Too much for one queer boy to handle!
I guess the really big news is Brian's turning 30 in a few days. The end of an era! Not since the death of "acid wash" has a cultural turning point had such piquancy! What's more, I'm hoping it will bestow some humility on our taciturn Adonis. Come to think of it, perhaps I should buy him a box of Depends and some Geritol. In a couple of years I'll be turning 30, but I won't "look it" for another 10 or 20 years...as God is my witness! Who knows? Maybe by then they'll have come up with some new drug to stop aging all together? God, if that happens, how will queer men be elitist? How will we cruelly separate the trolls from the twinks? Of course, there will always be wealth and looks to divide us. It must be hell being old and living around young people, constantly reminding you you're no longer one of the "desired." I guess some guys like older guys. We just don't see them hanging out in the bars. I know when I'm older I'm not going to be chasing chicken around. No way. I'm going to age with grace and dignity and three or four eye lifts, a forehead full of Botox, a tummy tuck, a butt and chest implant and an adorable Brazilian lover of a certain age who owns a horse farm in Sao Paolo. He'll be named Gustavo and have grey at his temples and enough money in the bank that we'll buy small countries for sport. And we'll be unbelievably proud of our age, and be charter members of the Pittsburgh-Sao Paolo chapter of SAGE, and never let anyone under 50 come to our parties. Well...whatever happens I just don't want to be tragic. I can't stand tragic queens.
I'm NOT a tragic queen.
I'm NOT a tragic queen.
I'm NOT a tragic queen....
06-24-01 - Episode 22
Just saw Ted, he's devastated about Blake's disappearance from rehab. He actually thought this was all going to have a happy ending. Poor thing, I really feel for him. Why do I have to be right all the time? Sometimes I'd love to be wrong when it comes to my friends screwing up their lives. Ah well, my empathetic genius is both a gift and a curse. I really should have been a therapist or some other helping profession. However, I suppose, in my work as a "retail whore," I do get to influence people in a positive way. In fact, I'd say for every person who leaves the store with a new pair of go-go shorts, two people leave with a better sense of themselves thanks to my words of wisdom. Speaking of which, I think I need to ask the boss for a raise. My credit cards are almost maxed out. How does he expect me to remain stylish and fit on the pittance he pays me? Fashion and beauty are expensive. Maybe I should get a second job?
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24.12.2011 в 00:41но глаза закрываются сами собой, дотерплю до выходного и с гуглом будем разбираться в дневнике Эммета.
Саш, спасибо тебе