everybody’s a critic.(c) BK
Линдси - Journal
читать дальше01-07-01 - Episode 5
I can't stop staring at Gus. How can I love something this much? He's completely dependent on me and ... how sick is this? ... I want him to be. It almost feels wrong ... to be able to create something so beautiful. I guess as an artist I've always wanted to achieve this ... this kind of creation which - when it comes down to it - isn't physically that hard to start. It's the emotional part that's so hard.
But I guess it's like the first step of making a painting ... having the baby is just stretching the canvas ... how we raise him will be the hard part...the part where we take our paint knives and brushes and slop on the paint, hoping some divine intervention will make it genius. But ... maybe not.
Because, there is no doubt that Gus is perfect. He just needs to survive and he'll be a masterpiece. Oh my god! He just looked at me in this way ... hard to describe - it was like he was flirting with me.
God he already is taking after Brian. He can't just ask for my breast...he has to seduce me into feeding him. He's going to be such a lady-killer ... if he's straight. (God help straight women!)
01-21-01 - Episode 6
The art show at the Center went great. Made nearly five thousand dollars. Felt nice to get out of the house and do something not related to the baby. Sometimes it seems my whole existence has been squished into this tiny box, like my whole reason to live is for diaper duty and milk production. God, that just sounded so horrible...so resentful. It's not that I resent Gus at all - God no. I love him more than anything and would give up everything for him - but it's nice to remind myself that I don't have to exclude other things from my life - that I'm still an artist and a teacher and a woman, and I can still participate in the world which is separate from Melanie and Gus. Is that wrong?
01-28-01 - Episode 07
Had a horrible dream last night about Gus not breathing in his crib. I jumped up out of bed and saw that he was fine. But now I'm so damn tired. Melanie's always telling me to relax...but even though she loves Gus, she doesn't know what it's like to give birth to something. I sense she's getting a little impatient about me not wanting to have sex ... but I just don't feel like it. I read somewhere it takes a long time to get your libido back after having a child. I should find the book and show her the passage... forget it. She'll just say I'm using it to hide something I'm angry about and start blabbering on about us needing therapy again. Why do women like her always try to over-analyze everything? She really irritates me sometimes.
02-04-01 - Episode 8
Had a nightmare last night about losing Gus ... it was awful. Can't remember anything except that there was this storm - really bad, a hurricane or a tornado -- and I was outside, walking Gus in his baby carriage. The sirens went off, sort of indicating it was going to be a real dangerous storm. So I ran home through the storm and finally reached the house. But after I opened the door, I turned around and Gus's carriage was gone. I just started running around insane, screaming for help. Melanie was no where to be found...I finally found Gus's carriage by this rushing river. It was empty. That's when I woke up and found Gus crying. At first I thought maybe he had the same nightmare - like maybe we're still connected that way. But then I noticed he was a little warm. I think he might be getting sick.
02-11-01 - Episode 09
Gus might have said "mama" today... not sure. Can't take my eyes off him. Watched him blow bubbles and sleep for nearly three hours. I can't stop touching him since the hospital, as if as long as I'm there touching him he won't ever be in danger... as long as my eyes and hands are on him it will keep him safe. I'm still feeling a bit scared that I wasn't watching his health closely enough. How much is too much? He's awake right now, his eyes are looking at me and he's smiling. He's definitely better.
Melanie's stomping around about Brian not keeping his side of the bargain. She's really irritating me right now. I can't ever let her know, but part of me didn't want Brian to give up his rights.. .God, I feel so guilty about that. What's wrong with me? I just want him to be part of Gus' life too... why can't all three of us be in this together?
To do list:
* Make mobile for above Gus's crib. (Supplies: String, wood, black and white acrylic paint, thick poster board.)
* Pick up new baby thermometer.
* Return books to library.
* See if they have that Bio on Georgia O'Keeffe.
02-18-01 - Episode 10
Gus - Age: 10 weeks 3 days Weight: 14 lbs.!
I'm getting to stay home with Gus for a whole year! I'm SOOOO in love with Melanie right now. I can't believe she did this for me. All the negative things I've been feeling have suddenly vanished.
Gus rolled over a little while ago and looked at me with this really perplexed expression. As if to say: "Mom, you are the weirdest person in the entire world!" He really is one of the most beautiful babies I have ever seen. And I'm not just saying that. He's physically perfect - I've drawn him at least 100 times in the last week. The other day, a woman in the drug store suggested we get one of those commercial agents in NYC and put him on TV. I think it's too far away to travel, and it's sort of icky when you think about it... exploiting the fact that he's better looking than other babies. Want him to at least start life with some humility.
02-25-01 - Episode 11
Melanie's walking around moping as usual. I can't think about it right now. It's hard enough having one baby to deal with I don't need two. Part of me wants to call Brian - I know he must be lost without Michael, but he really crossed the line. I can't even defend him on this one... but, of course, I want to. I'll e-mail him later.
Gus just started giggling! I swear! It was almost like someone told him a really funny joke and he burst out laughing - sort of laughing. Actually... uh-oh... by the smell of things I think I know what just happened. Time to get busy... I wonder if there's an Olympic diaper changing competition?
03-04-01 - Episode 12
Just got a call from Didi about Zoey and Franny's baby shower... "It's a lesbian baby boom!" she started squealing. "Isn't this amazing how everyone's having a baby, and all our friends are so in love..." I wanted to reach through the phone and shake her. I finally lied about Gus needing to be fed just to get off the phone. I'm so sorry Mel and I agreed to give this baby shower. Acting excited feels so strained. I guess I never counted on feeling so out-of-touch with Mel. I'm not sure if it's because I'm just tired from taking care of Gus and all... or if it's just that I'm not feeling as attracted to her as before. Her constant harping on the "Brian issue" has really begun to irritate me, not to mention that she seems to be drinking way too much... to the point where I'm beginning to wonder if she's having a problem. God! Addiction is so "last year's lesbian issue" - leave it to us to be behind the trend. Mel always wants us to go to counseling... has she ever thought of going herself?! How can we go through with this party? Everyone is looking at us like we're the perfect lesbian couple... what a lie. (Now I know how Anne and Ellen must've felt... no couple is perfect, and it's hard to be stuck with the label of "role model" when you're dealing with a relationship.) The fact is, except for Gus, this family is a mess... a complete mess.
03-11-01 - Episode 13
Melanie left. Most of her clothes are gone. Empty drawers. Closets like caves, like someone died. Never knew such clothing could take up so much space. She left her sweat pants, the ones I've been begging her for years to get rid of --raggedy green with her law school insignia. They're completely frayed at the bottom of the ankles, and she was always fruitlessly trying to locate the end of the pull-string, which inexplicably disappeared into the waistband ...as if it never existed at all. God. I'm in really bad shape! Using a pair of torn up, stained sweat pants as a metaphor for my disintegrated relationship. I can still smell her on them. Maybe it wasn't all her fault. I did spend a little too much time with Gus and not enough with her. Then again, he is our child. What does she expect? I only have so much energy. HELL WITH HER. YES IT IS HER FAULT! She cheated! I didn't. While I was here holding our baby, making sure he was fed and clean and warm, she was going down on that cigarette-smoking, bourgeoise, always-so-witty, fat, ugly cow! I swear if I ever see that bitch out, or even hear one second of that ridiculously low, completely affected, douche-commercial-voice of hers, I will...I will ...I will do something really, REALLY mean to her! (Why can't I think of anything? I really have to learn to be more specific with my anger.) Woke up the baby. Guess he can sense my being upset. Got to find peace, at least for his sake. Won't think about her anymore.
God, I miss her.
03-18-01 - Episode 14
Melanie's with her mom in Florida. It's weird, now she's not even in the same state as me. It all feels more empty...gone. It's like she's saying, "See, I can just go anywhere I want, and you can't. I have wings, you don't."
Going back to work in a couple of weeks, and they're forcing me to go to this stupid teachers' conference. It'll be all inane theory, and straight teachers cruising each other, and bitching about how they're not paid enough. (We're not, but that's not the point. I'm just sick of hearing it.) I'm asking Brian to baby sit...which makes me incredibly nervous. I know he's Gus's father, but he still has the maturity of a gnat. Am I crazy to do this? I know he won't hurt Gus, but what if something (or someone) distracts him. What if the diaper deliveryman ends up being cute? Oh, God, I can picture Brian having it off with Diaper Man in the back of his truck, destroying all of Pittsburgh's diapers, causing a major diaper shortage...and all because I let Brian baby-sit Gus. Maybe this isn't such a good idea. STOP IT! You're being paranoid. Brian loves Gus, and he'll be responsible. Just relax, it's normal new mother anxiety.
04-01-01 - Episode 15
Getting on with my life. Start teaching next week. Gus is getting bigger and bigger...and so damn handsome. Life is pretty hard at the moment. Constantly stressing about money. Budget is so tight. Not sure how to make this single mother thing work without help. I don't want to ask Brian right now, after the crap he pulled last weekend. He's even more irresponsible than I thought. Melanie was right about that. I know he's going through his own "stuff" with his dad dying, but...is it so wrong that I ask him to think about us for a change? Gus should always be his first priority! It's obvious that I can only depend on myself.
I've been wondering how much anyone truly knows about their partner. It's not like I knew Melanie would ever cheat on me, that's for sure. Come to think of it I can't even remember what color underwear she used to wear. Wait, yes I can, white...she always wears white. What about her favorite color. I can't remember. Maybe that was the problem...maybe we really didn't know each other.
04-08-01 - Episode 16
Gui and I need to get married right away. I know Melanie and Brian don't want this...but it's the only way. I can manage at this point and I have to be practical. The fact is it's no one else's decision. I'm on my own now, and I've got to sort this out myself.
2 a.m.
Gus is up...as usual. He is having an especially tough time getting comfortable after I feed him. I miss Mel.
04-15-01 - Episode 17
Monday morning 6 a.m.
Both Melanie and Gus are asleep. Melanie and I had the most amazing night. First we played with Gus who finally got tired out about 9 and fell asleep. Then Mel and I made love for the first time in what seems like forever. It was...I can't describe the feeling ...it definitely felt like it did when we first met. Then she left for a moment and came back with some champagne, fresh strawberries (a cliché, but I still loved it), and this beautiful bouquet of tea roses which she proceeded to pick apart and drop the petals on my body. It was so sweet. Gus, thank god, didn't wake up until we had slept for about 3 hours. Brought him into bed with us...just the three of us asleep together. It was just as it should be...finally! How could I have taken this family for granted? There is so much love here.
Tuesday, 12 noon.
Melanie couldn't stop talking about how she's really misjudged Brian for so long...how she knows now why I love him so much. Is all this really happening?
3 p.m.
Saw Gui at school earlier. He was cleaning out his office. I guess I feel a bit badly about letting him down... but sometimes you have to prioritize...and, unfortunately, someone may get hurt. Maybe I could call Sheila in Portland and see if she wants to marry him. She always said she'd like to have dual citizenship in Europe. Although, no one would ever believe she's straight. She looks like Wayne Newton...during his mustache period.
04-22-01 - Episode 18
Gus was in such a grumpy mood this morning. He's really irritating me. God, I hate feeling that. Change the thought...it's changed. Gus was "challenging" this morning. He is NEVER irritating. He's perfect at the moment, now that he's taking his nap. I finally have time to write in here, as well as make something nice for Mel for dinner. Found some cool recipes in this book on nouvelle Jewish cuisine. It would be cool to learn more about her culture...God knows she's done enough for me. I'm so in-love with her right now, I'm bordering on camp. But I'm sure "issues" will arise again...but this time I'll know we can survive anything.
Just called Brian to see if he wanted to join us for dinner. Said he was busy...still sounds freaked about his father...or rather, as "freaked" as Brian can sound. He holds so much back, it infuriates me. I guess the only thing to do is be there for him because someday his walls are going to fall...hard.
Uh-oh. Gus is up...with a loud wail. Here I come, my loud little Prince Charming!
04-29-01 - Episode 19
Laying on our new mattress. Got it at this great sale. Really comfortable. I feel so toasty right now, underneath the blankets. Gus is asleep in the other room and Melanie is working on some legal briefs. It's just me and my journal and a cup of herbal tea. Things are good here...perfect. I wish they were that way for Brian. I feel so sad for him right now. He can't seem to confront his anger toward his father. If you can't confront it, you can never forgive it. I just wanted to save him from that awful gathering at his mom's house. Is it any wonder why Brian can't maintain relationships. If I grew up in that family, I'd be horrified of love. Maybe that's why Brian loves Mikey so much. He and Debbie are so completely different than the Kinneys. The Novotnys are all about showing their love for each other and confronting emotions...too much sometimes on Debbie's part. But you still have to love her for it. Michael definitely fills the void in Brian. I wonder what would have happened if they ever got together for real? They would either be a perfect fit or destroy each other.
06-10-01 - Episode 20
Spent some time with Gus and Brian this afternoon. Brian was more quiet than usual. Except when I brought up the King of Babylon contest...he nearly took my head off. I think it must be hard watching Justin become the "hot one"...watching himself grow old in a culture that is so age obsessed. Yet another reason I'm glad I'm a lesbian.
Gus gained nearly two pounds since his last visit to the pediatrician. I'm developing muscles I never knew I had. If he keeps this up I'm going to start competitive bodybuilding. God knows this baby eats! He never refuses food. Soon he'll be going from strained peas directly to meat and potatoes. The worst part of all this growing is that his clothes are almost all too small already. I called Laura and Michelle. Their son Jake is about three now, and they said I could look through his baby clothes since they aren't planning on having another kid. If I remember correctly, a lot of Jake's clothes are a little too girly for Gus. I'm sure they'll have something that'll fit my very butch baby boy. Uh-oh, sounds like Gus, the man-eating baby, is hungry again.
06-17-01 - Episode 21
Gus is standing up...with a lot of help of course. Sara and Jana, the lesbian parents from down the block, are always talking about how advanced their 13 month-old is. I think her name is Gosha or Josha. (Some stupid made-up name. I hate pretentious lesbians!) But when I saw her I didn't think she was that far ahead of Gus in development. There's no doubt Gus is much more beautiful than their kid, but I also think he's smarter too. Am I being a conceited parent again? Probably. But I think that's better than thinking everyone else's kid is better than my own. Oh my God! Gus is just staring at me really intensely. I wonder if he senses I was writing about him?
06-24-01 - Episode 22
Melanie's out having some private time while I try to draw Gus. I mean I was trying to draw Gus, he just wouldn't sit still! He's constantly looking around...just like Brian when he's cruising a bar. I'm hoping he gets tired and I'll try again. But, I have to admit I'm a bit rusty. Haven't sketched for so long. It sure isn't like riding a bike. Would be nice if Justin also did a portrait of Gus, maybe I'll ask him. It'll be nice to remember Gus at this age. I guess we have enough photographs, but art work always shows so much more of a person's soul. When I look at drawings that I did of Brian in college and compare them to photos from back then, there's no doubt that the photos don't even come close to showing the real Brian. They look like model shots, with Brian doing his "I'm about to sleep with you" expression. (He never changes) But the drawings I did really show that other aspect of Brian that he never lets out...the hero underneath it all. I saw it in Justin's drawings too. Maybe it takes an artist to really understand Brian. He's not someone that can be absorbed immediately.