дневник Мел с сайта шоутайм

[moveforever]

Мелани - Legal Pad

01-07-01 - Episode 5

For the hundredth time: I hate Brian Kinney! Lindsay thinks he should have unlimited access to the baby... As if he were a real father. Just because he did us a "huge favor" and shot his precious load into a cup.

If Brian had access to everywhere he blew a wad he'd be the mayor of Pittsburgh. Can't she see his only interest in Gus is the same as it is with everyone: power and control.

That's why he hates me, because he'll never control me. I don't give a damn how charming or good looking he is. Lindsay's got to start standing up to him. If she doesn't, I will. I'm not gonna let him destroy my family. Need to get this thing settled soon - legally.

01-21-01 - Episode 6

Work sucked this week. Too many clients demanding too much of my time. Sometimes I hate being a lawyer. Thank God I had the weekend to spend on the art show with Lindsay and the baby. Gus is growing like a weed. He's certainly going to be an open-minded kid when he grows up that's for sure. During the art show he had every dyke, drag queen and queer boy fawning all over him like he was the second coming of Judy Garland. What will that be like for him when he's older? To never know prejudice when you're growing up? Although if we send him to school he's going to have to face the fact that he doesn't have a traditional family...he'll get some kidding. I know the center has a group for kids with queer parents. But maybe it might be better to home school him anyway. I wonder if Lindsay would be open to it? Don't want to be over protective but how necessary is it to expose a kid to hate so early? I know people will say we'd be keeping him from being exposed to the "real world", but what law says that a kid needs to be exposed to prejudice to develop as a whole human being? Are kids raised in violent countries better people because they've witnessed bloodshed? Were black children better off during slavery since they got to see the vividness of racism up close? Then again will Lindsay want to stay home for that many years? Doubtful. Well ... guess I'll just put that into the "things to be discussed at a much later date" column.

01-28-01 - Episode 07

This baby stuff is getting really expensive. It'll be nice when Lindsay goes back to work and we can get some more money coming in. How can babies be so expensive? He's worth it - when I get to spend time with him. Wish I had time off to get to know him on my own. Also be nice to have some quality time with Lindsay - starting to forget what it was like to have a girlfriend. I feel like all I'm good for is my paycheck. Starting to feel resentful...I tried to talk to Lindsay about it the other night but she kind of froze up on me. Luckily, things will be different soon. Patience.

02-04-01 - Episode 8

God I can barely keep my eyes open. First Lindsay woke me up because she had some nightmare, then Gus started crying - he might have a little cold. Now, I'm behind on this case, and I have no energy to put into it. Was really surprised that Lindsay made Brian do something about Justin the other night. Maybe she's finally learning that Brian leaves everyone else to clean up his messes, and he won't grow up until he learns to clean up after himself. Thank God! Maybe there is hope! ...Damn! Boss just came in and balled me out for not returning some stupid client's call. As if Lawyers are ever supposed to return calls in a timely manner.

02-11-01 - Episode 09

I wish Brian were DEAD!

I knew he'd do it! I knew that schmuck would back out on his agreement to give up his rights to Gus. Even worse is how Lindsay reacted toward the whole thing. It's like she doesn't even care! I couldn't even look at her tonight when we were watching TV. -Called my friend Angela from San Fran. She told me this great dyke-drama story about Myra (The hot bi-sexual actress who was dating Winnie- the power dyke from Cleveland she met at the Lilith fair last year.) Myra decided to get a breast enlargement - something she planned to do before she met Winnie. Winnie thought it was a disgusting bow to the patriarchy of Hollywood while Myra just saw it as a way to get better parts ... "or at least larger parts." (Angela's joke not mine.) Anyway, Winnie finally relented and Myra got the breast enlargement (34 DD). Everyone thought everything was fine until Winnie found this LOVE LETTER from Myra's plastic surgeon. (A Man! Go figure.) Winnie confronted Myra - who was still healing from the surgery - and broke up with her. Myra completely freaked-out and said the affair with the surgeon really didn't mean anything - it was just a way to get a good discount! (I couldn't believe it - bisexual women can be such whores!) Then when Winnie started walking out, Myra threatened to "tear the stitches from her breasts" if Winnie left. Of course, this overly dramatic gesture convinced Winnie that Myra was still really in love with her, and they decided to have a commitment ceremony as soon as Myra's scars healed. PATHETIC! But sort of riveting ... leave it to Angela to turn Dyke Drama into Greek Tragedy. The best part of the story was that it took my mind off hating Brian for a minute, and also made me realize how lucky I am to have Lindsay ... I do love her ...and she already has fabulous breasts.

02-18-01 - Episode 10

Why am I feeling so resentful all of a sudden? I guess I thought giving Lindsay this year off to be with Gus would make everything change back to before... to how we felt about each other during her pregnancy. I thought it would make me feel more like I had some right to Gus... but it hasn't. I'm feeling like I'm being used by her... and by Brian. Like I'm paying for Brian's child. NO! I've got to get rid of that thought. Got to remember Gus is my child too. I'm just so damn tired, and work is incredibly stressful and less than fulfilling, I've nearly doubled my caseload from three months ago! When this is all over I want to go away with Lindz - to Aruba or the South of France maybe. Aix en Provence? Nice? Someplace warm, and beautiful where we can lie down in the sun with our tops off and get back to knowing each other. When? When Gus is finished kindergarten? Elementary school? High School? God, when are we going to get to be alone again?

02-25-01 - Episode 11

Still feel like hell from being drunk the other night. Depressed. Guilty. Irritated. Peevish. Moribund. Lindsay wouldn't even touch me last night. This isn't just "lesbian-bed-death" this is downright "lesbian-bed-dead-n-buried-n-rotting-in-the-ground!" Jesus! This journal has become a litany of my complaints. Am I really this whiny? I really should try and write something more positive, or posterity will remember me as one of the more dreary and depressing dykes in history... a sapphic Sylvia Path. Ha! That would mean Lindsay is the lesbian version of Ted Hughes... asshole! (Even if he did write better poetry than Plath - God, if any women ever finds this journal I'll be tarred-n-feathered by the Daughters of Bilitis.) At least Plath had something to show for her misery... poetry. What is my legacy? Legal briefs? Our well-manicured lawn? My son WHO-ISN'T-LEGALLY-MINE?! Nope... no legacy there, Mel. Gus is Brian and Lindsay's legal child... You? You're just his meal ticket. Well... so much for writing something positive... maybe tomorrow.

03-04-01 - Episode 12

Had a little too much to drink and now Lindsay's giving me her Aryan ice princess routine again. Why does she think I drink?! Does she think it's so damn easy to be with someone who seems to care more for a self-centered, egomaniacal, SPERM DONOR?!!! God, I really am a little inee-bree-ate-id (how the hell do you spell this? Stupid English!) I'm... tipsy... I can hardly read this... who's writing this? Now, look at this, I'm talking... er..."writing" to myself... wait, isn't that what a journal is? Maybe I AM drunk! Great, now Lindsay will think she's ALWAYS RIGHT. Well, YOU'RE NOT MISS POLLY SHIKSA WHITEBREAD! I wouldn't be drunk if you really cared... but you don't... you only care about the baby and that friggin' Brian. I HATE BRIAN! I HATE HIM, I HATE HIM, I HATE HIM....Ooops. Not feeling too good. I better go to bed. Bye bye journal... I'll write later.

03-11-01 - Episode 13

I've left Gus and Lindsay. Just like my father left. Something I thought I would never do. It's nearly 2 a.m., and I'm sitting in Cousin Rita's tacky "kitchen nook" writing, and feeling lousy. Rita spent the entire meal gloating about how she predicted Lindsay and I would never work out. Then her neighbor, Esther, pulls me into the foyer and says "Couldn't you meet a nice Jewish lesbian... those girls are filthy rich. I see 'em all the time taking writing courses over at the Jewish Y." Aaaah! This place is driving me crazy. And Rita's meal was horrible! She made this god-awful goulash recipe she said she saw on the Food Network. I asked her if she was sure it wasn't the Discovery Channel - but she didn't get the joke. She never does. I hate it here. I hate her. I hate goulash.

11 p.m.
I miss Lindsay and hearing Gus make bubble sounds and his little peeps and...I'm crying again...I've got to stop this. I just wish I didn't have to sleep alone tonight. Although sleeping with Lindsay has become worse than sleeping alone...it's like sleeping with a block of ice. That one night with Marianne - whatever it meant - was the first time in so long I felt warm, unafraid, attractive and sexy. I can still remember her voice, so deep and warm like chocolate and spice...whispering things into my ear...things about me, not about Brian or the baby or how she needed more money to buy more new baby supplies she read about in Parenting magazine. Marianne really wanted me for me, for my body and my face, not for the fact I can pay to let her stay home with a baby who isn't even l egally mine! I can't write any more, my hand is shaking.

3 a.m.
Rita just brought me warm milk and some leftover tiramisu (thanks to yesterday's episode of "The Essence of Emeril"). Unfortunately she didn't follow the recipe, so her version of it tasted like cinnamon flavored school paste. The one thing I'll say for Lindz: the gal can cook, and before we fell apart she also could kiss, and make love like a crazy woman, and laugh, and touch me in a way that gave me chills. God, I want that back, I really do. But, the one thing I'm learning is that life isn't a movie. There aren't always happy endings. Life is sloppy and it can and does end badly sometimes. Maybe this is one of those times.

5:30 a.m.
Gave up the idea of sleeping. Started reading Rita's library, which mostly consists of self-help books. Crap like "How to Meet a Man in 15 Minutes a Day" and "What Men Want and How You Can Give It to Them" and "How to Dissolve a Bad Relationship in One Weekend." Then, next to a myriad of cookbooks, she also has a bunch of fad-diet books from the "Zone" to the "Zombie Diet" - which by the way talks about eating while wearing a blind fold! This allegedly makes you eat for satiation rather than allowing other factors -- visual elements of amounts and "plate white space." Jesus! Who are these schmucks?! Give me some of Lindsay's good old home cooking any day. I'd kill for some of her homemade granola right now. Great. There I am doing it again. Obsessing! Stop it! Why do I feel like I might have done the wrong thing leaving so quickly, and at the same time feel like it was the best thing to happen? How can two opposing thoughts fill my brain equally and incessantly?

10 a.m.
Can hardly keep my head up. So tired. Ted called. Wants to go to a Marx Brothers movie this weekend. Says it will cheer me up. Doubt it.

03-18-01 - Episode 14

10 a.m. Flight from Pittsburgh to Miami

Sitting in coach. Couldn't get bumped up. Bastards. There's this fat, accountant-type man on one side of me (sorry, Ted), and this prim-looking young woman on the other side of me reading pamphlets. By the looks of things she's a Jehovah's Witness. God help me, if she starts trying to convert me. These silly sanctimonious religious zealots. So damn afraid of life's complexity they try to cling to anything to make it easier. Well, it's not. Listen to me! I'm as "sanctimonious" as they are when it comes down to it. Why is my life so great? A failed relationship, I've abandoned my son, I've started to hate my job...maybe I should ask her for one of those pamphlets. Maybe I should see the light like Emmett did...nah, I'll just try to screw with this gal's mind instead. Ooops, plane's taking off. Store everything under the seat, Mel...including your attitude.

11:30
Landing in a while. Donna, the Jehovah's witness, is actually a really nice gal. She isn't really a full JW yet. Just started looking into it after she broke up with her "partner" last summer. I told her I just broke up too. She didn't seem shocked when I said, "Broke up with my girlfriend..." Maybe she's queer. She used a lot of indefinite pronouns, "They just weren't right for me, I guess..." and "They were the first person I loved..." I'm gonna give Donna my phone number, and see if I can't stop her from going off the deep end.

1 p.m. Boca Raton
Sitting on the sun deck while mom is yabbering with Cousin Rita on the phone. Think I saved Donna the Almost-Jehovah's Witness. Told her about Emmett. Said just because your heart is broken doesn't mean you should give up on life. Funny, telling her that made me think the same thing. No matter what happens with Lindsay, I'm not giving up on life. There are plenty of other lesbians out there...woman who are a lot more open and giving than the Ice Princess. Life isn't over.

1:30
God, I miss Lindz.

04-01-01 - Episode 15

Lonely, lonely, lonely. God, everything is reminding me of Lindsay. I try and think about other stuff but I just can't seem to escape it. Went to do some grocery shopping and saw a package of Wonder Bread and I started cry. At first I thought, "What the hell is wrong with me?" Then I remembered back when we first met, and I used to tease Lindz about eating white bread ...how it was another example of her WASP roots. I ended up buying a loaf, going home and making a peanut butter and banana sandwich (Lindsay's old favorite as a kid). It was god awful, but I ate three. Feel sick now.

Have to get out of this hole I'm in!

Bought some books to help: "Breaking Up, Breaking Ground" by some straight woman, but the back looked good, "What To Do When You Lose the Love Of Your Life" by some straight guy. (Good to get perspectives from the other teams.) Also bought, "How to Rebuild Your House-of-Self After the Bulldozer of a Break Up has Uprooted Your Foundation of Love." (I guess I just wanted to read something written by someone who was obviously even more pathetic than me.)

Dyke Nite at Babylon this weekend, maybe I'll call some friends. Got to start circulating again. Force myself to meet other women. God, the thought of it makes me sick. Who can I call to go with me? Sort of hard when all my gal friends are married. There's nothing more threatening to a lesbian couple than a recently separated lesbian who needs comforting. I could call Marianne, but THAT would NOT be a good idea. (Part of me feels angry that she even exists...which is so unfair of me.) So, who to ask? Ted. Ted will go with me.

04-08-01 - Episode 16

I am freaking out right now. I cannot believe Lindsay is thinking about marrying that French fart. It's like our commitment vows to each other meant nothing...but then again, I guess I was the first one to break our vows. Why am I such an idiot? This is all my fault. If I lose her for good, I'm never going to be able to forgive myself. I know she still loves me...I could see it in her eyes last night. If Guillaume hadn't walked in, I think she would have let me kiss her. I never thought I'd say this, but I think I found someone I hate more than Brian Kinney. Wow. It's like I'm a lesbian Alice in Wonderland...things change so fast around here. I'm actually not hating Brian at the moment...he's almost being a mensch lately...relatively speaking anyway.

If I do get another chance with Lindz, I swear on my life that I will never risk our relationship for anything again.

04-15-01 - Episode 17

Brian Kinney IS human after all. I never thought I'd say it, but he is! I'm finally going to be a legal MOMMY! I'm still sort of overwhelmed. I'm just so happy. I guess I feel like all those Who's in Whoville felt when the Grinch returned Christmas or like Elizabeth Taylor felt when she won the race in National Velvet or like Luke Skywalker felt when he blew up the Death Star. To put it more succinctly: I feel REALLY good.

6 p.m.
Lindsay and Gus are in the other room...suppertime. I was napping. Didn't get a lot of sleep last night thanks to one of the best nights of love-making Lindsay and I ever had... not to mention Gus's three a.m. wake up scream. (Perhaps one of the sweetest sounds I ever heard after these weeks of silence!) When I woke up this morning Lindsay was in the other room with Gus, and I immediately started wondering whether I dreamed everything that happened...that maybe I was still alone...but then I looked around at our room, and I just felt so damned happy. Lindsay, Gus and I are back together and we will NEVER BE APART AGAIN.

04-22-01 - Episode 18

Just got off the phone with Ted. He told me about how he kicked Blake out of his apartment 'cause he suspected him of stealing his wallet. This on top of something that's going on between David and Michael. Michael seemed so cagey the other day. God it's probably another Brian-debacle. Just when things calm down. Geez, they accuse lesbians of being dramatic. Gay boys are twice as dramatic if you ask me...they just do their drama quicker than we do. They're like "ER"... we're like "The Iceman Cometh"...but with girls...set in P-town.

04-29-01 - Episode 19

Man, if ever I was glad I wasn't born a WASP it was at Brian's house. The Kinneys are the most disturbing family I've ever seen. They were all so cold and out of touch with their feelings. Except for Claire who wouldn't shut the hell up with her crying. I swear that woman must have more water in her than Lake Erie. At one point I heard one of her aunts say that she was going to smack Claire if she didn't stop. Then again, maybe she was just over-compensating for the dearth of emotion in the rest of the Kinney clan. They were straight out of a John Cheever short story. Repressed, emotionless, distant, with a seething anger underneath. Is it any wonder why Brian's the way he is? Actually, in comparison, Brian's a lot better than that mother of his. She made dry ice look cuddly. You'd never have known that she was the widow in the room. She looked more like she lost a handbag rather than a husband. Actually she'd probably miss a handbag more. I will never complain about my overly dramatic relatives again.

06-10-01 - Episode 20

Just left Debbie's and Vic's house. Vic could really be in deep trouble. I believe him when he says he was set up. Some other people might have lied, but Vic's brazen enough that he'd admit it if he ever was caught choking-the-chicken in public. Unfortunately, his prior conviction for drug possession's going to be a rough one to get past. Funny, I hate that this happened, but it makes me wonder about my contract work. Why can't I be practicing law that really means something? Defending people like Vic from this abuse by the police...or fighting for queer rights, or women's rights... I think if I had to do it over again, I would be a public defender or work for an organization like Lambda Legal Defense or GLAAD or something. Unfortunately, they wouldn't pay as much as what I make doing this corporate crap. But it would mean so much more at the end of the day. God, I hope I can help Vic get off. I guess I can only do my best. Maybe I'll call Professor Connelly from law school and see if she has any advice on this. I remember her lecturing on something like this during first year.

06-17-01 - Episode 21

Vic got off scot-free! Not even a ticket. I feel totally like Super Lawyer! I'm tempted to look more deeply into that cop's arrest record, and check to see how many people he's entrapped since he got to Pittsburgh. But I guess I should just let it alone for now. I've been sort of neglectful of Lindsay and Gus while I've been dealing with all this. Lindsay hasn't complained, but I'd better spend some quality time with them over the next couple of weekends.

Blake started work this week. He was great the first day, really ambitious and energetic. Such a sweet kid. Unfortunately, he was really sort of spacey yesterday. One of the partners got really pissed when Blake forgot to finish typing up notes for a case. He seemed to completely forget what he was doing. I know this is his first big job, but he better shape up fast or he won't have a chance in hell of keeping this job.

Brian's birthday coming up. Meeting with the guys later to plan something fun...since he's acting like such a queen about exiting his 20s. I suggested hiring a sky writer to fly over Pittsburgh and type "Brian Kinney is now 30!" But Ted called about it and it's a little too expensive. Lindsay's worried Brian may not have a sense of humor about it. But I think he's starting to lighten up.

06-24-01 - Episode 22

9:30 a.m. Beautiful Friday evening. Having a cup of coffee at a cafe while Lindsay is drawing Gus at home. Lindz said I was making her nervous staring over her shoulder. Artists are such babies.

I hate to say it, but I'm glad Brian's not moving to NYC. He's still a self-centered SOB, but I'm definitely starting to like the guy. I still can't imagine him without Michael living here. I wonder if Michael will be happy in Portland. Nice town - from what I can remember. Lots of rain though. Might be nice to go out and visit when Gus gets a little older. I know some women who moved out there after college. In fact, I think that park ranger I dated works out at Mt. Rainier - Evylynn or Joceylin (Something like that.). Maybe she could get us a discount on a lodge or something. Be great to do some hiking and stuff. Oh wait, Mt. Rainier is in Washington...damn! Oh well, still be nice to go visit!