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Дебби - Diary

01-07-01 - Episode 5

Dear Diary:

Jennifer, Justin's mom came into my Diner last night. She was still wearing the "What-Did-I-Do-Wrong-To-Make-My-Son-Gay" look on her face. Gave her the ol' PFLAG-pep talk. I think she'll be fine. Funny, you'd think someone as classy and educated as that would have an easier time than a downtown gal like me. And that son of hers? All that private school and he doesn't hold a candle to my Michael. But, I have to remember, Michael is exceptional, so I really can't compare.

Sometimes I wish I could be more like her -- like Jennifer...all pretty and glamorous and crap-like-that. I wonder if Michael wishes I was? I could have been too, if life didn't hand me the pile o' poop it did, and I had what it takes to be a lady of leisure. If I had time to go to a gym, or the money to get my hair done like hers (had to run close to a hundred bucks!), or had a husband who stayed around.

WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING? IF, IF, IF! Bunch o' hooey! Self-pity is for losers!

Face it, if I wasn't the way I was than Vic wouldn't have had a sister to support him, and Michael wouldn't have been born and ... Damn it, I am just fine-and-dandy the way I am. (Just ate a lemon bar and feel much better.) But, I sure wouldn't mind finding our where Jennifer gets her hair done. I could use a new Doo for my birthday. OOPS, an early bird jus' came in. See ya later Diary! Schmooch!

01-21-01 - Episode 6

Dear Diary:

Ran into Jennifer at the art show at the Gay and Lesbian Community Center. "Sunshine" had some drawings in it. Talented little brat, I must say. Jennifer asked about Brian in relation to Justin. I told her the truth about Brian. Next thing I know she's storming out of the center. Hope I didn't make things worse for her. She clearly hasn't adjusted to all this. Guess she's just a mother concerned for her son...trying to make sure he doesn't get hurt. I guess every mother wants to protect her child from pain ... can't blame her for that. Wish I could protect Mikey from heartbreak. But I can't. Couldn't protect myself, and can't protect him. That's as much a part of life as the joy - don't I know it? And thank God for it. People always try to struggle against it, but it's like struggling against growing old. Can't do it. When you love someone, it ultimately will hurt - at least at some point. No one even has to be at fault. It just happens. Either they leave you, or you leave them, or they die, or the love just stops. One way or another love does go away, but at least it's there for a while. It's only easy to see this in hindsight. When love first goes it's sort of hard to accept it was ever "True Love" love at all. ("True Love" is a bunch of bunk - it's all love.) People seem so intent on diminishing love just because it ends. But that's cheating themselves out of the memory. Everything ends. And that's why you have to cherish it while it's there. Just because Vic may die before his time doesn't diminish how much I enjoy being with him now. In fact, I'm glad I know so I can make sure to take advantage of the time. When I think of it - now anyway -- I'm glad for everyone I ever loved ... even the few stupid assholes who left me. And I'm not sorry I was fooled into believing the love would never end. Hell! Good for romantic fools! Guess that's why I don't try and stop people from falling in love ... even with jerks. It's all a lesson.

01-28-01 - Episode 07

Dear Diary:

Okay, the candles I lit at the Vatican have finally paid off BIG TIME! Michael met a DOCTOR - and a gorgeous one at that! His name is David, and he's completely rich and completely in love with Michael! (As if anyone in their right mind wouldn't be?) So, okay ... I'm praying now ... Dear St. Anne or St. Theresa or St. Whatchamacallit (The one I prayed to in Vatican City?) -- or whoever-the-hell-did-this -- thank you! And I promise to light another candle to you -- make it 10 candles -- hell: make it a friggin' bon fire! Just please make sure Michael doesn't screw this up! He's not real smart when it comes to relationships, and he might get cold feet, or let his old feelings get in the way ... so please knock some sense into him and keep Brian out of the way. (I'm not asking for anything to harm Brian...just keep him out of Michael and David's hair until they start to bond. Okay?) Thank you again, and send my best to all the other Saints and Martyrs and whoever.

P.S. Not to be greedy, but could you do something about tips? The queens have been real stingy lately.

02-04-01 - Episode 8

Dear Diary:

Feeling better...guess Vic and Mikey were right about me taking time off. But it was boring as hell. The big news....Michael made manager!!! If Mikey keeps this up he'll be owning one of those Big Q's someday, and then I'd get to retire. Come to think of it ... hell with that. I hope I never retire. What would I do if I didn't have to work at the Liberty Diner? Probably hang out there all day...or maybe I'd finally go to Beauty School and open my own shop. I bet I could get a huge clientele just from the Drag Queens I know from the Diner. Gosh knows some of them need a makeover in a big way. Maybe I could do a combination diner/beauty salon! Have specials like: "Meatloaf and a Makeover" or "Early Bird Bouffant." Then again...maybe not...people already complain about the hair in their food. Ah well, I guess I can dream. Oh yeah, one thing's bothering me...David wasn't at the Diner last night for the celebration! What the hell is up with that? Mikey didn't say anything. Hope everything's all right. I swear I'll kill Mikey if he screws this up...no, I'll kill Brian!

02-11-01 - Episode 09

Dear Diary:

Vic feeling sick. But I think it's just a little cold - everyone has been catching it lately.

Talked to Michael this afternoon. He sounded upset, but refused to talk about it - the little jerk. I think something happened at that dinner with David. I'll see him later tonight and hound him until he spills it.

Something really exciting happened this afternoon; I saw the drag queen Lady Constance on JERRY SPRINGER!! I remember her saying she had gotten a settlement on a botched sex change operation and was gonna move out West to open a bar in Salt Lake. Well, it seems she met this radical, fundamentalist Mormon guy and fell in love. Of course (being a guy) he forgot to tell her he already had three wives - all biological women. Anyway, they all came on the show so he could dump Lady Constance in front of them and about a million people. (Bunch of Scum balls.) It was so sad 'cause the audience was booing Lady Constance and she was crying real hard and it made her look like Alice Cooper ... and the three wives all sat there looking all prim and clean like bars of brand new Ivory soap. Then the first wife, this fat, pale little sausage of a woman, called Lady Constance an "abomination" So Constance called her "a pig-faced Mormon slut with an IQ of a white turd who couldn't satisfy a man if she had three vaginas." (You go Constance!!) Then Lady Constance grabbed one of the Mormon wife's braids and landed a right hook ...but the bodyguards pulled her off before she did any real damage. Unfortunately, I don't know how it ended because Vic started coughing really bad and I needed to run out to the store and get some cough medicine. I'll have to look up Lady Constance's phone number on information.

02-18-01 - Episode 10

Dear Diary:

So, Sunshine moved in the other day. Michael - jealous of course - asked me if I thought I was opening up some sort of runaway shelter. Funny, but I think I would like to open something like that someday... sort of a place for gay runaways to stay and get counseling. I don't think there's anything really like that in Pittsburgh. I'd call it "Liberty House" - wait, isn't that the name of a department store somewhere? Maybe "Liberty Avenue House" - that's nice. Then when kids like Justin have to leave home, they'd have a safe place to find themselves with no judgments, access to counseling, safe sex instruction, and maybe a school. So many queer kids end up out on the street, all messed up with drugs, prostitution, and rape... I can't stand it. Something has to be done. They probably don't go to regular shelters cause they're afraid of getting beat up. I wonder how people get money to start something like that? Probably have to be rich. Maybe I should volunteer at a runaway shelter in my free time to check it out. Free time? Vic and Michael will kill me if I work any more than I do. Maybe I'll wait a few months until things slow down and then volunteer. It's a cool idea... start my own version of Boy's Town... Queer Boy's Town?... except with lesbian's too (Dyke Town), and transgendered people (Drag Town), and bisexuals, and questionings (Can't Decide Town)... maybe just call it Queer Kid's Town. Look at me, I'm a fag-hag Father Flanagan!

02-25-01 - Episode 11

Dear Diary:

Michael's moving in with David, Thank God. Actually, thank Brian (never thought I'd say that - or write it for that matter). I hope Sunshine isn't going to need Brian-de-programming later when he wants a real relationship - then again Sunshine is stronger than Michael. (I hope.) He's also smart, sometimes a little too smart for his own good, and a little bratty and manipulative. But, life will teach 'em a few lessons and he'll be just fine. Speaking of lessons... this other kid came into the diner the other day, must've been 14... maybe 15 max. Said he was 18, of course. He was looking for work. Real effeminate kid... Bad skin, thin, small as a parakeet... probably took a lot of kidding at school. Said he was from Baltimore, but he had this thick southern accent. Probably from Georgia or the Carolinas or something - maybe he's trying to recreate himself, I dunno. (I once told someone I was part Indonesian and my mother was Yma Sumac.) His eyes were all glassy, and his conversation kept going all over the place. Drugs? Hope not. Told me he ran away from home when he was 12... abuse from his father, who used to call him the "spawn of Satan" (or some crap like that). Then he tells me his Dad threw him out because he had tested positive! The SOB - I'd like to strangle parents like that! Anyway, I told the boss we could use another bus boy, so Corey - that's the kids name - is gonna work the nights that Sunshine is off until he can get the bus fare to go down to Miami. I put him in touch with a local gay-friendly shelter, and the HIV clinic. Wish I had more room in the house. This kid rips my heart out.

03-04-01 - Episode 12

Dear Diary:

Slow day at the diner. Must be the weather. Gosh, Pittsburgh can be gloomy in the rain. Brings out the ghosts of all those coal miners and oilmen. Only excitement around here is that Justin has a little stalker following him around the diner... nothing dramatic, just some young fella with a bad blonde dye job keeps showing up with gifts - mostly those tacky joke gifts, like edible underwear. Poor guy. He doesn't have a chance in Hades. I should put a sign on Justin's back: "Don't bother. Gone fishing... for Brian." Corey, the other bus boy, said he finally found a place to stay that doesn't ask for a deposit. (He ran away to Pittsburgh with only 13 dollars and change!) He also said his counselor was encouraging him to call his folks... but he doesn't want to. I can understand. It must hurt like hell when a queer kid - especially one with AIDS - gets kicked out by the people who should love him the most.

Saw Michael and Brian talking... friends again, I guess. I swear if that asshole messes up Michael's relationship with Dave again I'll rip his pretty head off and make it into meatloaf... which I'll only serve to unattractive men. (That'll show him.)

STOP THE CLOCK!

Miracle happened today: A straight guy came into the diner... ex-hippie guy works for a natural food company... CUTE! And he flirted with me! He had a wife of course... but it was nice to have a fella hit on me for a change. Been a while. Usually the only thing a guy asks for in this place is directions to the nearest gay bar.

03-11-01 - Episode 13

Dear Diary:

I'm sitting here taking a break from workin' my shift at the diner and Justin just told me the news. Emmett's gone straight! I keep switching from anger towards the damn stupid "See-The-Light" freaks, and laughing at the thought of Emmett as a straight guy. Man-o-man, not since Liberace has there been a "straight" guy like that! When I told Vic about it a minute ago, he laughed so hard he started having a coughing fit and hung up the phone. Sorta scared me for a moment. (At least he would have died with a smile on his face.) He called back and said he was okay, and then said that maybe Emmett could open a clothing store for his kind called "In the Closet," specializing in re-teaching these religious brain-washed losers how to dress like "straight guys" again - meaning badly and boring. Vic kills me! He always keeps his sense of humor. I think I get more worked up about this stuff than he does. He also suggested we could easily de-program Emmett by locking him in the bathroom with a copy of Honcho and play a loop of Barbra Streisand's first The Broadway Album over and over again until he screams "Mary!" (Hell, that would turn John Wayne queer.)

3 p.m.
Lunch is finally over. Got totally slammed. Must be a convention in town. Damn, my dogs are killing me again. I really should get a pair of those ugly orthopedic shoes that Elaine wears over at the Howard Johnson's. Damn ugly though. (The shoes, not Elaine.) Why can't they make orthos more fashionable? Or at least make 'em in purple or aqua or with a glitter surface or something. I shoulda been a shoe designer! (Check that off in the "dreams unfulfilled" column.) I guess I could paint a pair myself. Hmmm? Not a bad idea. Use acrylic paint, and some spray glitter. Could be real nice.

03-18-01 - Episode 14

Dear Diary:

All the queer boys are talking about is the Leather Ball next week. It's like Christmas meets Mardi Gras around here. There was this one little queen who was so excited 'cause he found an off-the-rack harness that would fit him. I bet he'll look like Barney Fife meets Gladiator. But who the hell cares! That's what makes this party so fun. No judgements. I'm tempted to ask Vic if he wants to put on the old chaps and go cut-the-rug for a few hours. I know he'll just say "I've done my days in the sling... leave that to the younger set." But maybe I'll just force him...put on the ol' Dominatrix outfit. I could use some fun. Michael's been pissing me off so much, I can hardly look at him these days. He's just bound and determined to chase David away. I mean, David's not perfect, but geez, everybody's got problems. He's still a helluva lot better than Brian and his little-boy-who's-afraid-to-commit-routine.

04-01-01 - Episode 15

Dear Diary:

Man, it's been busy around here. The Leather Ball always brings everyone out. Tips have been great! I might splurge this week and get my wig done by a professional. Or maybe buy Vic something special? Brian was just in with little Gus...damn beautiful baby. Say what you want about Brian, but the guy's got good genes. Unfortunately, he just found out that his dad is dying. Poor bastard. I told Brian he should talk to his dad, tell him everything...tell him he's gay. I doubt he'll do it. Jack Kinney isn't an easy one to talk to. Man, I remember when the boys were 14 and had skipped school and gotten drunk, and I went over to talk to Jack about what we should do about it...to make sure we were on the same wavelength in how we talked to them about drinking and stuff. But by the time I got there, Jack was three sheets to the wind, clutching a bottle of bourbon, and hollering bloody murder at his poor wife. I nearly called 911. Still, I feel sad for the poor guy. He's certainly someone who's been trapped by his own limits. Must be even harder to die when you've let your life be wasted away by drinking.

1 a.m.
Finally past the dinner crunch. Totally a mess tonight. How the hell does a restaurant run out of hamburger buns? Chef must be fighting with his boyfriend again.

Other news...it seems Mikey and David had a nice weekend with Hank, David's boy. Never thought I'd be a grandma but seeing Brian and his baby made me want to see another little Mikey running around. I don't see why they shouldn't have a kid. David's got nothing else to do with all that money...although, I sure wouldn't mind him buying his mother-in-law and uncle-in-law a nice cruise to Aruba! Boy, could I use that.

04-08-01 - Episode 16

Dear Diary:

Just brought Sunshine some milk and cookies. He wasn't even hungry. Poor kid looks so sad. He's hurting bad about that damn teacher blocking The Gay Straight Student Alliance. I swear, if I didn't think it would have screwed Justin more, I would have kicked that bastard teacher right in his homophobic balls! Sometimes, when you live around open-minded people, you forget how many bigots there are still out there. I've got to figure out a way to help Sunshine get this Alliance started...but, I don't want to be too pushy...at least not so it's obvious. I bet I could organize a protest with the gang from PFLAG...but I only want to do it if Sunshine wants it. He's being brave, and I want it all to start with him...that way, it'll make him even stronger, knowing he can figure out these things for himself. I'll just offer suggestions, and if he decides to take some action...I'll just help him make it splashier. Maybe we can chain ourselves to something? Have a sit-in in the cafeteria...or on that crappy teacher's head.

Michael's been in Paris for nearly 4 days. He hasn't called yet. He's probably too busy being romantic and seeing all the art and Eiffel Tower and stuff. I'll probably get a card in a few days. I wonder how long it takes for a post card to come all the way from France? About a week, I guess. I'll kill the little nudge if he forgets. I sure wish I had been able to buy him trips to Europe when he was little but I guess I did the best I could, considering.

04-15-01 - Episode 17

Dear Diary:

Diane (The Senator) and I are meeting on Friday to get our nails done. She's such a character. Turns out her 2nd cousin was in burlesque with Aunt Faye...did some act with pigeons...or maybe it was doves...whatever she did she ended up having to quit cuz of some fungus or virus or something she caught from all the bird crap. Poor thing. Diane told me she thought I should go into politics...but I said liked it better on the front lines.

Sorta good news...Sunshine got into Dartmouth. The only thing is he doesn't want to go there. Seems it's a pretty stuffy school where his Dad would make him study business. You can bet that was his father's idea, not his. Sunshine should study business about as much as I should be studying to become a rocket scientist or a wrestler. I told him he should follow his dreams. Otherwise he'll just curse his life...like I do sometimes. Like on rainy days like today. How would have things been different if I actually had become a beautician? I guess I'd have more money, and maybe have my own shop by now. Maybe I would have had my nights free and would have met another fella and gotten married...maybe I'd have had more kids. Maybe...wait! Hold up! Where you going with this, Deb ol' girl? Damn, I hate when I get like this...whiny rainy day talk! Crap, is what it really is. The fact is I could have become a beautician and instead of things working out, I could have sucked, burned some old lady's hair who could've had me fired, and then I would have gotten so depressed. I could have been living on the street with nothing but my clothes and curling iron. And I wouldn't have had Michael (the joy of my life!) Nope, can't think that way. But still, Sunshine needs to follow his dreams...his art. It may not make him rich, but an artist is never poor.

04-22-01 - Episode 18

Dear Diary:

Nothing on the tube tonight. Just crap. I gotta get the cable working again. Then again maybe I'm just not in the mood to concentrate. I'm so teed-off at Sunshine. He's screwing up his life, and he won't seem to listen to me. He got into the Art Institute and is blowing it to go to that stupid Dartmouth. (Or is it Dartmuth? Darthmuth? Who the hell knows!) It's just some snooty school that his dad went to. Completely wrong for Sunshine, and I don't mind expressing my opinion on this one. The Art Institute is the perfect place for this kid. He's got talent that is rare in anybody...and not just for a kid his age. Don't he and his parents see that this might be a lost opportunity? Don't they care that their kid might be trapped in a thankless job for the rest of his life? I can see it, why can't they? For gosh sakes if anyone knows about lost opportunities I do. Then again, maybe I'm just thinking about myself...how did that psychologist who comes into the Diner call it when someone forces their own experience onto other people? Projecting? That's it. But I saw Sunshine's face when he said he wasn't going...it was like he was giving a puppy back to the pound. It's just not right. I know the real reason, he's got some stupid idea in his head that he's splitting up his parents. He's too sensitive, like me (Projecting again?)...thinking he's responsible for other people's pain. He's got to understand - and so do I - that we can't control everybody. Okay. Fine. I understand. But I still want to help him follow his dreams...since his folks won't seem to. How can they be so selfish. I'll have another talk with him in the morning. I better try and get some beauty sleep...maybe after Conan.

04-29-01 - Episode 19

Dear Diary:

Late shift at the diner. Really slow. Just a few dieting drag queens, and this male couple in the middle of a fight. They still haven't ordered anything. They're bickering about one borrowing the other one's favorite green polo shirt and not respecting limits and the fact that the shorter one was cruising some Latino guy at the Pay n' Save. Yeesh, why the hell am I listening to this crap? I hate it when it's this slow! Someone shoot me now.

Picked up a little after the bars closed. One of my regulars, Cubby (hot stud, great arms), gave me a great tip on a cup of French Onion. Think he was on a first date with this sexy little Portuguese number. Have to remember to give him extra fries or something when he comes in again.

Brian's mom must feel so alone. I know they didn't have a great relationship, but sometimes you even miss bad relationships. God knows I've missed Michael's son-of-a-bitch father for long enough. I wonder if Michael thinks about who his dad was? He never really talks about it with me, but he's got to wonder - especially with what just happened with Brian. I wonder if he feels like he's lost something?

Damn. Here comes those late-night diner blues again. Got to perk up, before I start to sour the milk around here. Who knows? Maybe I won't be alone for the rest of my life...maybe some day I'll meet a guy again. Sure. It's not impossible. Maybe, a busload of eligible straight men from Philadelphia will be on a trip up to Canada and their bus will breakdown right outside the diner. They'll come into the diner. I'll serve them all meatloaf and lemon bars, and they'll all fall in love with me. Six will propose. Of course, I'll fall for the seventh who doesn't propose, become obsessed, he'll turn out to be gay, and I'll spend the rest of my life whining about the six that got away. Jesus! Debbie! Cheer the hell up!

06-10-01 - Episode 20

Dear Diary:

Vic is still in shock from jail last night. He's got a fever too. I could kill that son of a bitch that arrested him. I hate that he has to go through all this. There are real criminals running all over Pittsburgh and they have to harass gay men for taking a leak in a public restroom! I can't think any more. I better just go make some soup for Vic and then try to get some rest myself.

Vic barely ate anything! I know he's going to get sick because of this. I called Michael, but he wasn't home. At times like these, I wish I had a husband or a boyfriend or someone that I knew would be where I wanted them to be. (Not that they ever would - when you think of my past record with men - but it's nice to dream.) The one thing I know is that I've grown to depend on Michael and Vic too much. I'm pathetic without them. What am I going to do when they're gone? From now on, I've got to learn to depend on myself. I've got to be more emotionally self-sufficient.

I think I just heard Justin come in!

06-17-01 - Episode 21

Dear Diary:

I'm so damn proud of Vic! Standing up for himself like that. And Melanie! God love that lesbian! Damn good lawyer. She kicked that cop's ass, that's for damn sure. I'll bet that son-of-a-bitch doesn't try and screw with the queer community again any time soon.

I've spent the last hour crying in my room. Michael just told me he's moving to Portland with David. I know David's good for him, but I still can't help feeling sick about him going so far away. I guess I knew this would happen someday...actually, I thought he'd split for S.F. or NYC a lot sooner. But Portland? It seems too far... I can't show Michael I'm upset about it, or he'll change his mind. He's always trying to please everyone. I've got to cut the strings, or think about relocating myself.

06-24-01 - Episode 22

Dear Diary:

Michael's gone to the airport. Justin's just left for the prom. I feel like a million years old. Damn, I've got to get out of this funk. It's not like they died. Justin will be back later, and Michael is just a phone call away. Still, I feel like I've lost both of my little boys. The other day, I was talking to Mysterious Marilyn about Portland. She once lived there while traveling with a caravan of psychic drag queens. She says it's real nice, lots of queer bars, but a little too much nature for her taste. (Then again a terrarium is a little too much nature for Marilyn's taste.) Hmm? That was pretty funny. Maybe I should become a stand up comedienne in my old age. Might as well since I'm practically childless now. I guess I'll see if anything is on cable and maybe whip up some lemon bars for Justin when he gets home.